Lived Experience Forum

[Mulgajane]

Hi @eudemonism

I thought I might respond specifically to the two points that I understand best.

The first is just a side note on the whole pharmaceutical drugs thing making you feel like shit and taking away your sex drive. Yes, side effects are a massive problem and because western medicine is so young we are in a fashion guinea pigs to the cause. Loosing your sex drive is a particularly cruel side effect since having a sex drive is good for us and not having one can be enough to bring on depression, which is frustratingly counter productive.

However, if the drugs are stabilising you then this is a great opportunity to try something different. If you are anything like me, you may be trying to think yourself better over and over again with the same ineffective result. Which leads me to the next point.

Addiction. You mentioned cigarettes and coffee, I have no idea if you struggle with anything else since I've not read all your posts but I'll just explain how addiction was such a stumbling block to me getting better..

I happen to be an alcoholic which may not be relevent to you, but in my experience all addictions follow a similar pattern of behaviour. I am an intelligent and sensitive human being whose self esteem in the past was extremely fragile - so much so that I thought I had a tiny ego. Turns out I have a massive ego and I have a tendency to think that everything that is going on in my head is true and all my opinions are right 🙂

I came up with perfectly rational excuses for my addictive behaviour and I believed them. It was a simple problem really, I needed help from someone who could see through me. For me those people were the folk at AA. Conventional therapists can be awesome, but if they aren't  recovered addicts then they simply don't have that glorious first hand experience with the addict's manipulative mind. I jest because in hindsight it is funny. But it is not funny to be a practising addict. For me it was so horrendous that I would not wish it upon a single human on this planet.

What I am trying to point out is I was too arrogant to let people help me. When I first went to AA I made up a shit load of excuses and was gone again in three months. I thought faith was an intelictual decision and because I rationalised that I was an atheist; therefore anyone who believed in a God was an idiot. See what I mean about arrogance? I was being total arsehole and I didn't even know it.

I don't have any answers for you eude except that if trying to think your way out is not working then it's time for something new. There a lot of wise people out there. If you can find the ones whose mental stablity you want, ask them how they did it and here's the key; shut up and listen.

Mj.

[Sophia1]

Hello @eudemonism

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner re one of your responses....

I will quote it so that you know which one I am referring to...

I know only too well how confusing it gets when threads start to move faster...

so if only for my sake...to help me respond ...you wrote the following:

---

@eudemonism wrote:
@Sophia1very wise and discerning words...

I genuinely feel for your situation with your family member...

When I was really unwell - in a state of loathing, despair and anguish... I really had to think about who I could reach out too... And basically pleaded with them in a sorrowful and remorseful way... Which was my mother at the time - I will never forget what her reply was 'we love you' or something along those lines...

It gave me hope of salvaging one of the most important relationships in my life... Which was with mum...

I hurt lots of people when I was unwell and in the process of growing up. And God didn't let me get away with anything...

There is always hope - never give up on hope...

Eude

---

..

your experience and memory of a time when you felt so low and had the need to reach out.....resulting in you doing exactly that ....now remembering the response was that you were loved....

giving you hope of salvaging one of the most important relationships in your  life... Which was with your mum...

that experience is the ultimate primary love...mother and child....your origin...

you found that again...were reassured that the love is still there....

hold onto this memory forever....nothing can take this away from you Eude....

I realise that you follow religion and attend church....you tagged me into the christian chat thread...

Your faith brings you comfort....I am happy for you that you have this...

continue to be true to yourself ....

take care

Sophia

[eudemonism]

@Mulgajane I wouldn't wish my problems upon anyone to be honest with you. I'm not even sure what my problems are... I've been dealing with them for that long... It's just a normal part of everyday... I'm not even sure If they can be fixed!.. Who has the right to tell me I have problems in the first place?.. When I have I ever judged someone as having problems (unless it effected me negatively?)

I'm hearing what you're saying though...

Eude

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 it was the anniversary of my brothers death today, so I'm not sure what has been real and what has been not (when it comes to the stuff going on in my mind) it's been a rather hectic day - I must admit.

Eude

[Sophia1]

oh @eudemonism

That is so very hard for you....

Are you able to speak to the minister of your church that you mentioned you attend?

I know that your faith means so much to you...

Talking to someone or just sitting with someone who is supportive and someone you can trust might be of some help...

What do you think? Would it be easier being with another rather than dealing with all of the grief on your own today?

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 I think half the problem is the depot injection... The medicine should be in full swing... And I'm feeling more agitated then ever... And I'm drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes to deal with the side effects... I mentioned it too the nurse today but she denied it was the medication doing it... But what would she know when she's never been on this medication?.. Essentially it means she's in denial!.. Eude

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 and then the nurse turns around and blames the agitation on the coffee. When really, agitation (feeling wound up) is a documented side effect of the medication Eude. - it's really frustrating!..

[Sophia1]

Hello @eudemonism

I did not get much sleep last night...awake from about 3am onwards...finally got up at just after 5am...

That would be very frustrating waiting for the benefits of the depot injection to start taking effect...

I have had agitation for depression my pscychotherapist has explained...

however too much coffee....therefore too much caffeine has agitated and unsettled me....also gives me heart palpitations..so I have cut my coffee back to two in the morning with breakfast...

after that I drink water or herbal tea...

I love coffee ...hard to stop drinking ...I finally realise that I have to minimise my intake due to the side effects I have...

I know some people have had to stop drinking it altogether as advised by their heart specialists...

hope that your medication effects kick in soon and you feel more rested...

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 I seen the doctor today and we organized an appointment to see a new psychiatrist. I'm really optimistic about this. I've got good feelings about this one.

I've finally committed to a doctor I can trust. And with each appointment I'm becoming more comfortable to be open and honest. So we can make as much ground on my illness as possible.

Another thing... I need to be honest and promptly admit when and where I'm wrong. Even though I'm 32 years old. The odd tantrum still does occur. My bad. Nobody else's fault.

Eude

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 life ain't easy. It's a struggle. It involves suffering. And I ain't gonna let my suffering fuel the ego of another. Eude.