Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

The first 45 minutes was really busy as there were a lot of people there today but once they all finished their exercises and/or therapy the pool was free to float around @Sans911 I really needed that today. What have you been up to today?

[Sans911]

I'm still loafing in bed, because I was awake at 4 @Zoe7

But I'm about to get up soon for a very busy afternoon. I've got my GP first in about an hour, then my pdoc, support worker and a volunteer walk. The weather for the walk is pretty awful though. It's raining, overcast and quite blustery.

[Zoe7]

That is a busy afternoon @Sans911 Goodluck with your GP, pdoc and support worker 

I hope the weather eases a bit for your walking group - it is not much fun walking in that kind of weather. It is wet and cooler here today so apart from some shopping I need to do later I will be inside trying to get a little tidying up and housework done. I might even get to some painting today 

[outlander]

hope your appointments go well @Sans911

well done on getting to the pool @Zoe7 some time to yourself sounds lovely!

[Sans911]

There are times like today when I wished I hadn't survived, and that I wasn't so cowardly about a more destructive ending. Why am I in this dark place? Why does have to be so hard to survive? I'm so ashamed that I am mostly to blame for being this way.

There is so much lost. Grieving for people passed is easier than grieving for the missed opportunities, the loss of chances, the loss of friendship, the loss of love, the loss of character, the loss of dignity, the loss of reputation. How and where do you repair the great holes ripped open by these. It's seems so insurmountable.

I don't know if I should dare to hope anymore, as hope always lets me down.

[outlander]

hearing you sis @Sans911

[Snowie]

Hugs and hugs my sweet sis @Sans911

Hearing you and sitting with you 

[outlander]

@Sans911@Snowie

[Zoe7]

Hi @Sans911 It certainly seems to have been a tough day for you Hon.

I really wanted to reply here to you because of one thing specifically you said ..."I am mostly to blame for being this way" - that, to me, could not be further from the truth my dear Sans. Circumstances have brought you to this point and you have continued to seek help and support to navigate the tidal waves. None of that is easy. It is said that we are in charge of our own destiny but that only holds true if we know where we want to go in that journey and even more so if we have come from a path that leads us there. Many of us have not been on that path - infact we haven't even been in the same vicinity - so it is much harder to recognise that path when we find it and even harder to stay on said path. Some of us simply have not found that path yet and although we might have a destination in mind - it is useless if we cannot begin the journey. 

Keep holding on because you have so much to give, so much wisdom, so much knowledge and above all so much love - you have the strength and courage within to keep finding that path Hon and I hope you can believe in yourself just as I believe in you 

[Sans911]

Thank you @Zoe7. I wish I could believe in myself and see what others see, but that is perhaps my greatest weakness.