Lived Experience Forum

[wolfecharlize]

Hey, y'all. I think this is the right place to give a bit of background on myself. I'm sure my sob-story of a childhood would either take up too much time to read or just make people uncomfortable, so I'll say I had a pretty rough childhood and leave it at that. I'm 25, single, no children, and I have major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, a self-injury addiction, and anorexia nervosa. I've been self-injuring for 19 years, anorexic for 17 years, depressed for about 10 years, and I knew I had PTSD probably 8 years ago (though I first began exhibiting symptoms for about 18 years ago).

Most people think I'm basically fine, but I'm not. I'm just exceptional at pretending to be fine. I even manage to fool myself sometimes. Today I'm fooling everyone else, but not myself. Today I feel like there's no point in fighting because I've already lost.

Feel free to ask questions if there's anything I've neglected to say or if you want details. It's not overselling it to say that I'm an open book. 

[Mazarita]

Hi @wolfecharlize, welcome to the forum. 

I relate to the part of your post where you mention pretending to be fine, while struggling so hard beneath the surface. I've had mental illness of some kind or another since I can ever remember: social anxiety 'since year dot', as my mum describes it. Childhood depression. At 56, I now live with the diagnosis of bipolar 1. And yet over my whole life to age 56 now, the way I've presented myself to the outside world means that no-one has ever suspected I had any kind of mental illness. When I actually tell them, it is often met with disbelief. Only my most trusted loved ones have seen how bad I can get and how much I struggle with basic aspects of life.

There are so many of us here who will relate to your experience and I hope you find the forum helpful in being supported and supporting others who understand too well what it's like to suffer in this way. For many of us, it makes us feel much less alone to have this place to talk about what we are going through. I hope it works the same way for you too.

If you would like to reply directly to anyone you read on the forum, just put the @ symbol before their name. You should then be able to select the name from a drop-down menu. Other than that, take a look around and use the search function for any specific topics you may be interested in. And feel free to jump in and post anywhere you feel drawn to.

Again, welcome. Hope today brings some better feelings for you.

[Lilabelle]

Hi @wolfecharlize welcome to this forum, I especially relate to your reference of pretending, for years I was my own best kept secret, fake it till you make it kind of thing, and like you I couldn't fool myself. I am a survivor after all and this is a common survival response for people like me. I had no one I could truly confide and even when I did I could not speak my problems because I was under the misconception that  I was the problem.

Growing up was tough on me too, adulthood was a nightmare.  Trauma and Abuse are social issues that have been around along time, and unfortunately our society still has along way to go in creating safer families and safer communities. I am not an expert on recovery from Trauma, however I am a participant and I am recovering one day at a time. 

Giving up the fight is not defeat, it is as you say, accepting reality, that some things cannot be fought, some things need to be given the attention they deserve, healing old wounds, setting of ones injuries, taking care of ones self, these are the necessary things for a recovered life. 

Keep postimg, and keep in touch, isolation is the first obstacle to overcome when seeking recovery of any description.