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PLU
Casual Contributor

Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

 

When I married my husband his son was in his early teens. At that stage things on the whole appeared to be OK although his son spent a lot of time playing computer games and was socially very awkward. When he was in late teens his anxiety worsened and he started to see a psychologist. His social anxiety escalated after a relationship breakup two years ago he has become more isolated and non communicative. Now in his mid 20s, he spends most of the day in his room on his computer. He has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and depression and spent time in a mental health facility. He makes no effort to get a job or study in spite of encouragement and support from my husband and I. We understand he has been prescribed medication but we don't know if he is taking it as he only gets angry when we try to communicate with him. We also have a younger son living at home who is also impacted by his older step brother. My husband refuses to discuss his son and whenever I try to raise the topic we end up fighting. I have asked my husband to set some boundaries for our stepson, ie getting out of bed at  reasonable time of day, eating meals with the family, helping out with chores around the house but he does not want to deal with it. I know he feels awful that his ex wife abandoned his son when he was young but that was almost 15 years ago. I am becoming more and more frustrated with the situation and cannot see how we can find a solution.

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

My heart goes out to you. @PLU

I was a mother in a step situation which had pre-existing mental health issues.  It can make all the difference for everyone involved if good counselling is engaged and acted upon whole heartedly.

Bloomin egos and pride can get in the way.

I lasted 16 years, I would not have survived if I had stayed.  So now it is an EX step situation.

Take Care of you and get some boundaries set up re the next generation and expect proper comminication from husband ... the quiet silent type is mainly good on tele ... not when real life situations need sorting.

Smiley Happy

 

Re: Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

Thank you for your reply. I was beginning to think no one was out there. Can you recommend any counsellors who work in this area? We have tried one but she didn't really work out. 

 

The latest drama in our house is discovering that SS is most likely dealing dope. His father doesn't know how to talk to SS, so he doesn't. His enabling behaviour is frustrating.

Re: Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

Hi @PLU

That sounds incredibly challenging what you are going through yourself and as a family. It sounds like you are feeling really frustrated with the lack of boundaries and commmunication at the moment. It's great you are thinking about reaching out for support again, as this is a lot for you all to be carrying. Sometimes the first counsellor doesn't work out and it's okay to look for a better fit. 

As the forums are an anonymous space unfortunately it would have been hard for @Appleblossom to recommend a counsellor to you, as it might have revealed identifying information or involved asking you to identify more about yourself than was anonymous. 

Here are some national services that might be helpful to you - Relationships Australia provide counselling to couples and families and offer services in all states. Also Carers Australia support people who are caring for loved ones and provide different services in different states, so they can be worth giving a call to see what they offer. 

I wonder if anyone else has some thoughts or guidance in this situation? Like @CherryBomb@Shaz51, or @Susan1? Smiley Happy

 

Take care, 

Tortoiseshell

Re: Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

I also found a Stepfamily Association personally helpful.  They called out husband on just wanting to flirt with them the course facilitators rather than him taking serious issues seriously.  He has not changed.  Each situation is unique, so I cant comment on what would be right for you.  Follow it up with professionals.

Take Good Care of YOU @PLU

Smiley Happy

Re: Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

Hello @PLU

hello and welcome to the forum

how are you today xx

Each situation is unique, so I cant comment on what would be right for you. 

But I am a step mum of 4 children who are all adults now , at the beginnig I did lots of reading and thinking of how I could help

when I and my husband who has MI got married , his children were all teenagers , 2 of the children has ADHD and the 4 of them have inherited depression like their dad but are at different degrees of the mental illness

My biggest change was when my step daughter  said " I don`t need another Mum" and that was my turn around -- changing my attitude

changing my attitude to focusing on us -- me and my husband , we still had and have our ups and downs , in and out of hospital with my hubby and the children , helping them , moving , encouraging ect

is the younger boy yours ?

and remember to care for you too , that is one thing I am still learning and lots of times I have bitten my tounge when hubby steps in with his kids

talking about things helps , so please keep talking , I wish I had someone to talk to at times

hello @Appleblossom

Re: Adult stepsons mental health issues is testing our marriage

Hello Appleblossum,

Wow you are amazing to be dealing with all of theose kids.

 

Yes the younger boy (19) is mine and he is pretty cool about the whole issue but I can the older SS (24) does affect him.

 

SS just blames everyone for his problems. He blames his school, his father, me, a girlfriend (2 years ago). Fails to take any responsibility for his own actions and life. He makes no effort to get a job, spends his dole check on takeaway food, cigarettes and dope. Hardly leaves is room.

 

His mother is remaried and has no interest in him.

 

I feel ashamed of complaining but just being around him is so bad. He sucks the oxygen out of a room.

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