10-05-2018 01:02 AM
Still waiting for your pics @Dec but really gonna have to nod off soon. Thank you so much for chatting, both of you. I feel lost a lot. Sorry you felt down earlier today Dec, hope tomorrows better. I did have a nice lunch out with my cuz today.
Good night 💤
11-05-2018 05:41 AM - edited 11-05-2018 06:00 AM
Hi @Bella1978, whatchya doin over here? ☺. I'm ok, at 0430 the dogs woke me to go out & i can't nod off again . Cold & windy out.
Actially shed a few tears for my mum for the first time since the funeral. Strange how many families scatter rather than come together at these times. I feel alone. You know - i pulled together a grief info package & copies of counselling services offered by mums palliative care team, and anonymously mailed it to each of my siblings & mums. Not one of them has memtioned it or asked if i got one too. Guess we all feel alone in this family of trauma childhood. Stiff upper lip. Hope it helps them a little anyway. Guess i feel more experienced with grief. I've always had to play 'grownup' with them. Its draining.
Bro4 os the only one who drops in regular, but he ihas restless manner (MI / drugs) Rarely stops long enough for a cuppa. Last time i asked him to drop in more since hez close- he said, and i still cant believe he said it, "if you want me to come round cook up a meal for me & i'll come" Then he went on - "tonight, cook something tonight" ... I didnt comment. Then 2hrs later he rings up to tell me not to worry about dinner - he's going over a mayes place... " Didn't have the heart to tell him how pleased i was, grr. I've invited him & bro3 a few times for tea Poor mum, seems they are 'takers' - only want to bother when there's something in it for them...
This week cuz-T is ignoring my emails since i asked him to plz respect my faith amd never again denegrate my God like he dos last week. . Its not a big ask but his silemce tells me he can"t and i'm learning to respect myself enough to not be around people who deliberately insult my soul, and those i love.
I reached out to my cousins to compemsate for the way my siblings treat me but surprise surptise, they are not much different, just more twofaced anout it. Also - i usually have to initiate .& i'm tired. I feel abused though theyre not evem in the room. Its emotional i guess, still hurts.
Dad's battling on, has a weird rash atm - maybe from old winter clothes i dug out of his cupboard & didnt wash first.
Ooo, theres the garbage truck, its 6:30 & still dark
Big day today, dad's specialist & my psychologist apt.
12-05-2018 05:25 AM
Saw my psychologist, she's glad i was assertive with cuz-T about my faith. ( I need to hear that its ok still). She also encouraged me to put energy into friendships above my family. Showed her one of Bro2 tx msgs & i think she's starting to 'get it' As with dad's Gerentologist, She supports me going for guardianship & poa of dad. I told her i don't feel confident on my own (what if i have another breakdown... ) but she believes in me & said to build up that confidence (hope shes not just patronising). She agrees the siblings would be imposdible to work with, reminded me i love my dad & respect his wishes... and says to apply online & "show them [the siblings] how its done" I like that. The Holy Spirit also reminds me to 'toughen up' & "be strong for i am with you" (Josh 1:9).
Had a lovely talk with friend EM back home last night. She is carer for her 98yr stubborn mum. Kinda feel the added connection now i too am live in 'carer' for a parent. EM & I worked together nursing a while back.
Managed to work out how to turn on my parents gas heater (scares me) & didn't have to ask the sibs for help (like pulling teeth). Its got cold, finally, so I'm glad.
Dad had eye specialist today, amazing setup there in the eye clinic. Dr was amazed how good his eyes are given the 40yr history of diabetes. Theres some small bleeds but not enough to act on he said.
Busy day. Should i be checking in here for support like this here? I donno 😏