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Re: Life can be a Pain

ohhhhhhh lots of hugs my second mum @Owlunar

sitting with you my mum xoxoxoxo

Re: Life can be a Pain

Oh dear

 

And it's only Tuesday

 

Every get the feeling something is out to get youEvery get the feeling something is out to get you

More trouble with the council - so what's new - I was up bright and shiny for a worker to turn up for domestic work at 9.00am - I had a good sleep and wasn't quite ready to get up but still - I would have because I need to go up to the pharmacy to sort out my account which has been paid - 

 

And time passed as it always done and no one turned up and finally I rang and they are sending someone at 11.00 am - really good but the %$*##2^^ council didn't let me know and I could have attended to my account problem before it got hot

 

Okay - I can live my life seeing the humorous side and Life is Like a Soap Opera - in fact - Life is a Soap Opera - 

 

And it's only Tuesday - luckily I am not planning to fly anywhere today - I have the feeling right now is not auspicious

 

mmmm myep - aw - gotta put my shoes on and go to the shops

 

I suddenly feel really tired again

 

Dec

 

Re: Life can be a Pain

Hi @Appleblossom

 

My GP will be back next week and I will see him on Friday - in the meantime the his partner has been seeing me and yesterday I was lucky enough to have a chat with him about the changes being made to my medication which sound okay to me in the long run but are happening too fast and I will be seeing this doctor on Tuesday about seeing a private pain specialist about these sudden changes - too much too soon - and I am - I believe - an agreeable person most of the time

 

I have been ring Life Line every couple of days lately - one thing about a therapist is we have to wait to see them - Life Line is just there - and although councellors vary we do not have to wait long - and right now I need that support - I haven't felt this fragile for a long time but under all the veneers of my life I know myself - I haven't been able to move past my son's death and see it as something I can only live around - I would be so grateful if someone could say the right words I am not sure exist - but I can talk about this - I don't want to talk about my mother - I have said all I can say about that - all I want to say and I am strong enough now to be in charge of my therapy - thanks to you and other people here

 

And my son's life - to celebrate it - he really did not fit into the world - and Vincent - that is "Starry, starry night" is my favourite song - I treasure the funny things my son said - there were figurative parts of speech he really did not understand - we had to be careful what we said and I would like to write these and have them published in picture form - I am no artist though - it would be hard for me to draw Brown's Cows or the cat that was let out of the bag or Lime Light - A Million Things a Lost Child Said would be a good title

 

I really love the Classics - Greek Plays really come close to the bone - as in Orestes - whatever he did to avenge his father's murder would upset the Furies - and of course - the mystery of Odysseus' Sword - I worked that one out myself - totally embarrassed two tutors about that one

 

How wonderful that your aunt gave you your uncle's books - that was truly a gift - my father was always interested in what I had to say about my studies in different kinds of literature - but I am not sure how much he had read - my uncle often commented on the extent of my reading though and the last time I saw him he asked me where I got so much information - the internet of course - it's great to have the books we can read anytime even if the power goes out -

 

When I saw The Trojan Women it was a play produced by the Classical Civilization Department at Monash University - and it was wonderfully done and the young women did appear classically partly nude - and I went with my husband who was surprised by the quality of the whole production and told me he wanted to see more but we never did - one of those "what if" moments in life

 

Scene from "The Trojan Women"Scene from "The Trojan Women"

Re: Life can be a Pain

Sorry your vulnerability about your son requires you to reach out, but always better that you do reach out and have a better quality of life.

 

It is nice your father spoke to you about your studies. @Owlunar

 

My father would have if he could have.  In his absence I tended to idealise the slightest bit if positive attention.  The boyfriend's father who suicided, only had a couple of good conversations with me.  Very nascent, nothing with real ease or confidence to talk about things, but I have chosen to celebrate all the tiny things.  The uncle who studied never spoke to me about things, only to his little brother, but I was present in the room, and would sometimes ask a question.  They never really included me in a fully open way.  I was doing secondary school so was seen as inferior, but then both boys/males were obviously limited themselves as emerged to me, due to the way they chose to end their lives.  So those three - bf's father and uncle and bro were "at least" not bullying, cruel or mean, but all suicided.

 

Someone recently said to me ... that I had a lot of suicides in "my field of influence". It made me feel responsible for the suicides, and I really do not think that was true.  They were ALL older than me, and had more privileged, confortable lives, tho of course everyone struggles.  Nothing I did had direct bearing, we were not that close.  Maybe the father felt shame at how is son behaved to me, but it was more that he had difficulty parenting this very outspoken difficult nasty person, his son, who should have had the psych label rather than the father .... hmmmm .... 

 

I dont think I am avoiding my guilt. Nobody honestly thought that much about me, saw me as a child from dreadful circumstances, and basically harmless and/or powerless...

I did not realise, in my teens, how "my deprived childhood" was an enormous balloon,  trailing behind me, that influenced others' behaviours to me.  A lot of it was based on shame, or she is a fool or a target ... I did not talk about it then, as much as I do now. I am trying to straighten it out in my head ...

 

The Trojan Women is powerful.  I supported my youngest sister doing theatre for a while, and saw her in a chorus for a very edgy production of Medea, but I try and stay away from that play and Sisyphus stories.

 

I love the fact of Greek choruses.  It gives all drama/action of main protagnists - social structure - even ... great men's lives occur in social environments, people cant escape it.  I found Hollywood plots as bad as opera plots .... 

Smiley Tongue

Cant spend too much time on here. Have pressing stuff.  Got some plumbing sorted for $400, but missed 2 appointments today.  Always plenty going on ...

Smiley Happy

I think it is more than fair that you decide what is dealt with in your sessions.

Some therapists do not have sufficient insight.  Women all deal with the mother and the mother myth ...

Therapy is making things conscious ... 

 

 

 

 

Re: Life can be a Pain

Hi @Appleblossom

 

Someone recently said to me ... that I had a lot of suicides in "my field of influence". It made me feel responsible for the suicides, and I really do not think that was true.

 

Wow - Apple - that was an incredibly thoughtless thing for anyone to say - ïn your field of influence" - I do understand - I have two - my son and my cousin - my stars - people make that choice for themselves - 

 

I thought myself when I was reading your post that it was a lot of suicides and then was shocked that someone thought you might have influenced them - I hope that they intended to say something else - in your scope of experience - because we do see this and it becomes part of our own life-story - 

 

When I think of my son I fall back onto his being a troubled-teenager with a lot stacked against him but also scatter-brained - easy to forgive him - but my cousin was a mature person and the planning and intensity of his actions have left me bothered - I feel as if in time I can focus on him better but I have read all about it on the internet and well - enough said for now - I can't help what other people choose to do after all - none of us can but it can be hard to live with

 

But like - whatever they did or didn't do - they died anyway - and your field of influence - I guess you were influenced but whatever she meant it was a cruel thing to say to you

 

And as a child seen as one from dreadful circumstances - I have seen it myself - I often wonder what my father thought he was doing taking his young family to live at a police station in a semi-rural area - I saw things and knew about things a child need not know and this was regular dinner table conversation for us - we were told not to play with this or that child/family - but that was okay - no doubt their fathers were telling them not to play with us. 

 

Those advertisements for children needing sponsorship - The Smith Family - I'm sure you have seen them - they look okay considering the real-deal - there are still times I want to cry about what I saw but also - it was a time in my life when I saw a lot that made me who I am - like you - l knew life was not a bed of roses - unless all that was left was the thorns

 

I think I am settling down after a chaotic week - I think I rang Life-Line 3 or maybe 4 times had had good response each time and I spent time putting bits of the puzzle together - for my son and for me justice was never served - people found it too hard and it was - but my own family treating me the way they did at the time - that was wrong - now I see - it was nothing I did - I never abandoned this difficult child no matter now hard it got and those closest too me did

 

I think we really do have a lot in common - and as for The Medea - that can be too close to the bone - 

 

Catch up later Apple

 

Dec

Re: Life can be a Pain

Thank you so much for your considered response to my post. @Owlunar

It matters and helps a great for me to read it now.

Heart

I dont think it was meant as cruel, more thoughtless, and not having a full understanding of the situation.

I probably should gently tease that phrase out, at some stage, with that lady, as I do believe she is well intentioned.

 

If I let too many things go, that is the way misunderstandings occur.

 

You are right I think I was far more influenced, than influential, in these matters.  I barely opened my mouth, smiled and nodded a lot.  I learned to have opinions a lot later and through reading and I expressed them through writing.  At times, I was told I wrote a few lovely letters, apart from that who would have known what I thought ... lol ... I just am not that BIG.  Their individual decisons actually had little to do with me. I was always removed by at least a few degrees. 

 

I am expecting a house guest today after a very busy week in music band camp and the opera.  I did some dishes and tidying in the garden this morning, but the house is in a relaxed state ... 

 

I have had the most wonderfully inspiring converstations with many women in both groups. A few older, but many younger, in their 20s; passionate, articulate and seeking various connections. An odd little hiccup amongst a stream of goodness, should not trouble me too much.

Thanks so much for your lovely shoulder. 

Heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Life can be a Pain

I'm always glad to be here @Appleblossom - isn't it hard to have an opinion when we are not noticed much and feel small and insignificant - it can take a long time to get past that and learn to speak our mind

 

You wrote letters - so did I actually - first to newspapers - then to the editors of those newspapers and politicians and demonstrated but I remember the days I actually spoke my mind to a group of academics and church elders in St Pauls Cathedral

 

They were talking about forgiveness - isn't that one of the hardest subjects in the world? - I stood there listening and thought - I am in my 60s and have a certificate of theology containing Doctrine 1 and 2, I have an Honours Degree and I am an accountant"- thus I bolstered myself up and made an intelligent comment that made everyone look at me and I was noticed. I actually said something interesting

 

But we all have a past to overcome - I think that was one of the great moments

 

What a beauty!!What a beauty!!You write really well and bring your ideas into the forum clearly - I really enjoy reading what you write

 

So I wonder - as my mother really didn't understand a lot of what I said didn't make what I said stupid - did you feel that way at all? - it was difficult speaking out in small groups - but I realise that I had been doing this in different ways all my life and I always feel like encouraging young people to not just have an opinion but to share it

 

I'm glad you like the shoulder - it's always there

 

Dec

 

Re: Life can be a Pain

@Owlunar

Too much feeling. Not sure what to say.

Just Thanks and keep being there as long as you can.

Also, having worked bookkeeping, tax and in so many fields.  I value people who are honest about the world of money. And you take the world of spirituality, theology, ritual and the unknown importantly enough, to study them, to act, and to speak out.  I dont like to be too casual about magic, miracles or metaphor.

Heart

For humans, no matter how learned, there will always be unknowns, some people are just not as aware of them ...

I feel more secure walking along with you, having each of us expressed and explored "what counts in life". 

Smiley Happy

 

 

Re: Life can be a Pain

Hi @Appleblossom

 

I feel secure walking with you too - you are very honest with your comments and I value this a great deal

 

So @Appleblossom@Shaz51@BlueBay@Zoe7@utopia@outlander@Sophia1

 

I picked up my old computer today - it has a new hard drive at no cost to me - but it does need me to reload my stuff - not that it's a problem - this new computer is a handy little friend and easier to use - I'm pleased with it

 

Today I am seeing one of the doctors at my clinic - he's be helping me out while my GP has been on leave - and it seems a pleasant man and easy to get on with

 

But like everyone else excecpt my GP who has a better idea of how much medication I have dropped over the last 4 years he is concerned about what I am taking and I get the same conversation over and over and last week this doctor suggested I see him today and discuss seeing a private pain specialist and getting a second opinion and this seems like a good idea to me

 

The pain specialist I saw last week seems to me to be very young and shiny and has brand new ideas that make it hard for me to really get along with her - she was intelligent and friendly but I also suspect inexperienced - some of us are getting on in years and this doesn't mean we are losing the plot - in fact many of us have a wide and deep understanding of a great deal of information - 

 

Anyway - I didn't agree with a lot of what she was saying - and chronic pain can't be cured - it can only be managed - and a lot of discussion is that they - whomever they are - want us off our pain medication - yet nothing has been done or can be done to repair the damage in my spine so it seems a ridiculous idea - 

 

Anyway - I have a book I imported from the US written by a pain specialist who writes very sensibly about the issue of chronic pain and I have taken a lot of this in over the weekend - also I have reflected a lot on what the pain specialist had to say when I first saw him when I injured my spine and it makes a lot of sense

 

I haven't consciously bothered myself about this interview today - after all my own GP will be back this week - but I have managed to be headachey and tired over the last few days - could be the hot weather here - and I think I have a lot on my mind - don't we all - so I have decided

 

I will speak with dignity - the dignity I feel we all deserve - in this case what I deserve and what the doctor deserves - I will insist on my points

 

I am taking a lot less medication than I was 4 years ago

The second MRI I had around that time showed the damage my spine had increased in the previous 20 years

I'm not uninformed about the problems associated with my kind of medication - that is addiction and other issues - I do get tired of hearing about them because I do keep myself informed and I think that's a good point to make

I might not have the quality of life I have at the moment if forced off my medication - even some of it - before I am ready

I am likely to lose some of my mobility - 

 

No one has ever answered what I am supposed to do about the pain in my spine without the medication - when I started this journey I was given the medication because there was nothing else they could do - and so nothing has been done - I have tried all sorts of other treatments and given them up a long time ago - everything seemed to get worse after trying to comply with these medically approved interventions

 

Anyway - I have done all this writing and maybe my head is aching because of having another of these interviews again today - I expect this one to be good but still - I get tired deep down inside about it all and I would be glad never to have to take anything but I think most people here understand that - and we have to go along with this as long as we can interact with our presribers and know a lot of what we have - regardless of it being physical or psychological - needs to be fair

 

We may not have the medical professions knowledge on their subjects but we have our own and we are - after all - the person at the centre of our health issues

 

Dec

 

Aw - I need coffee

 

sheesh - the tank is nearly emptysheesh - the tank is nearly empty

 

 

Re: Life can be a Pain

It will be good when your regular GP is back and you can discuss all of this with them @Owlunar They know you very well and know your history and therefore will also know what you can and cannot handle. But you know yourself well and you know what you need and a quality of life is important. Stick with what you believe is right for you and fight for what you need.

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