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mogul
Casual Contributor

Really confused by a loved one with BPD

I hope it's okay to just start a thread here because I don't know what much I can contribute... I've had some mental health issues decades ago, but in general, I'm stable and I'm more just concerned about a girl I've known now for three decades, in which there has been off-and-on romantic interest. 

I've talked to professionals about it but what I'm having a difficult time getting is advice on how to help show kindness to someone, from someone who has actually gone through it?

I love and admire - and have had a really messed up relationship with - a BPD girl.

Her behavior is textbook BPD: black and white world view, wild mood swings, self-injuring, reckless drug use. She had a very promiscuous stage, and even though she’s past that she constantly reminds me she’s been with ‘many hot guys’ and holds that experience above me at times because I did not have a promiscuous stage. Then on the other side of the coin, she's confided in me she’s about her suicidal thoughts, and I’ve personally experienced her disassociating, and her constant fluctuating between idealization and devaluation of me in particular. She can appear narcissistic and lacks any sort of decorum – she’ll just matter of factly tell someone to their face that she thinks they’re being stupid. The things is, she’s actually a kind heart and much of her stress comes from what she thinks is an evil, cynical world. She’s also really smart and graduated at the top of her class at a top-ranked private university in 3 years and finished her masters a year later.

The worst part for me, aside from worrying she’ll hurt herself, is the idealization/devaluation and the fact that I have to walk on eggshells around her because I don't know what is going to trigger her - in fact it changes - she's had emotional outbursts for opposite responses I've had to things. For example, one moment he emotional outburst might be to the tune of "you don't get angry enough" and days or even hours later be  "you take things too seriously"

One day she was berating me with something like "you should really stop thinking about what you're about to say and stop sugarcoating things" then literally minutes later, in another outburst, the tone was "do you ever think before you talk?"

She’s paranoid, and sometimes when I don’t respond to a text for an hour or so for whatever reason, she will either give me the sad “why are you ignoring poor me” thing or say some incredibly nasty stuff.

She goes from being extremely guarded and not willing to explore the intimate parts of a loving relationship, to these heated, passionate “are you for real?” moments… does that make sense? I actually enjoy the roller coaster, because when the passion is there… well… the intimate part is amazing, if you know what I mean. With her, there is intense good and intense bad…

I’ve talked to professionals about it, but I really want to get some first-hand perspectives.

She refuses to take any sort of next step with me and gets incredibly pannicky when I talk about any sort of future. We’ve been an item at varying levels of intensity for over 4 years, but I've known her for going on three decades. She flakes on plans all the time, and says she's doing it to protect me. "This isn't right" she tells me. She is a truly kind person, despite the nasty episodes, and tells me she feels terrible about hurting everybody in her life and is convinced she is going to be alone forever. The good news it she is  not in denial - she knows she needs help and is getting it. 

Here's the thing... I actually want to be with her, and help her, and I'm hopeful for the future. She keeps telling me that she has to get better on her own, and I agree -- I don't want to be codependent. But I truly see her amazing side, and when she's calm she is just that: an amazing caring person. I'm hopeful for the future but she tells me she is just never happy and "debilitatingly lonely." She has a great job, but is not functioning well in it, and it sounds like she might get fired if things don't change soon. 

Here’s the situation:

About a month ago, she just ghosts me. It lasted for about a week, and she apologized and we had a tense, mundane, relationship again for a week or so, and then she just ghosts me again. This too, she says is to protect me. This is so inconsistent with the things she has said before. To go from literally calling me her “kind, sweet, saving grace” not too long ago, to “I’m not comfortable around you… bye. Oh by the way anything you say will be ignored and deleted” ignores me for two weeks, then she apologizes. Then the whole thing happens again: rinse, cycle, repeat.

I circle back and try to pinpoint something - anything - that I might have said or done that might rationally cause someone to get so upset and ghost like that, and I've literally shown the texts verbatim to people for  outside opinions... I just can't figure it out. What could I have said to deserve getting ghosted like that? What do I do the inevitable time she does come back? How can I show kindness to her and know she isn't hurting herself to at least put my mind at ease? 

Thank you. 

 Personally, I think part of it is I might be the first guy shes been with that wants a future with her, and that scares her. But why would that be like that for a BPD that craves being loved? She has been in abusive relationships, and the only times I've ever really felt rage was when hearing how one of her ex's years ago treated her. 

This has all taken a toll on me, and it even rubs off on my outside friends - people she doesn't even interact with. 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Really confused by a loved one with BPD

Hi @mogul and welcome to the forums!, it is nice to meet you Smiley Happy

Thank you for sharing as much as you did, It does sound like there is so much going on for you at the moment, I cannot imagine how exhausted and overwhelming it would all be. 

There are some other carers who are members with similar experiences on partner who have BPD, you might like to read through their threads. One member @katie has a great thread called 'Partners of Borderline' as well as another great thread by @BananaHammock called 'New here, my story (BPD)'

There was also a Topic Tuesday run, about 'Having a loved one with BPD'

I hope you find the forums helpful and I look forward to getting to know you better,

Candycane

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