Lived Experience Forum

[TheRenegade345]

@Hope4me 

I guess the problem that I continue to have is that feeling of hopelessness. It’s still very pervasive and really gets in the way of anything meaningful. I guess that’s what I was referring to before when I needed some advice.

[TheRenegade345]

@Hope4me 

What I’m noticing right now is the amount of anger I am feeling. All the anger and bitterness of missing out is really strong at the moment and I just keep thinking about why or how it would ever happen? What I also notice underneath is the fear and anxiety of dying alone. That’s what grips me every day and that’s what I really struggling with right now.

What I’m trying to do right now is to notice these feelings and why they are happening, rather than being consumed by them. That’s what happened last week unfortunately. It’s really hard because there was something last night that was really upsetting as well.

[TheRenegade345]

I’m also going to the football tonight so I’m a little nervous about that.

(Sorry I don’t mean to spam this forum, my thoughts are just all over the place.)

[Hope4me]

Hey there @TheRenegade345 

I know what it's like to have invasive thoughts. What's important is that you recognise it in yourself. That's a biggie...

Hopelessness? Yeah, I know this one too; it comes from those thoughts. The thing is, you're not 'helpless'. It might feel that way, but believe me, your ability to change is very powerful. It's about will, determination and commitment. To boost these three requires a good dose of courage and patience. All of which I think you've got in spades!🤜🤛

Going to a footy match is a pretty gutsy effort...kudos! Just be sure to have an exit/safety plan in case things get too much. It's perfectly fine to feel the pinch and take time out or go home. Talk with the person you're going with about it so they won't be so confused if you need a break. 

Congratulations on pushing the  boundaries. I know the anger's an important obstacle to overcome, but it's doable. Self insight's there and so is the will to achieve. You can do it!!! One small step at a time...

Take care;

Hope x  👵

[TheRenegade345]

Hey @Hope4me 

Well it went well last night. North Melbourne beat Adelaide which was a great result even though the game was awful to watch at times. But I managed to get through it without a hitch.

I have OCD so these invasive thoughts are very problematic. I was troubled all this morning actually. The fear can cripple me actually because I don't think I have any kind of personality or attractive attributes that a woman would actually like.

Recently I have been thinking of something. I think sometimes being an adult is too hard. I would like to go back to when I was a 14 year old when I didn't care about any of this. I lived in ignorance over sex and relationships and I only cared about pokemon and learning the guitar. It was bliss and sometimes, if I had the power, I would like to live as a 14 year old for the rest of my life. I would never be bothered about this stuff ever again. 

[TheRenegade345]

Hey @Hope4me (or anyone else who is reading)

I have stumbled across something that I think will be very helpful for me to deal with strong emotional thoughts. I have started to read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius who was a Roman emperor in the second century AD. He followed a stream of philosophy called Stoicism and his work is considered to be a landmark work of Stoic philosophy. Here is one quote that I thought was profound. 

"Ignoring what goes on in other people's souls - no one ever came to grief that way. But if you won't keep track of what your own soul's doing, how can you not be unhappy?"

Bloody oath, Marcus. Bloody oath.

[Ali11]

Plenty of people with you on that thought @TheRenegade345! Life is so much simpler before we had to work and pay bills and worry about adulting. Do you still play guitar? Rumour has it that playing guitar is an attractive skill regardless of gender  What kind of music did/do you enjoy playing?

[TheRenegade345]

Hey @Ali11 

Thanks for messaging here.

I don't want to come across as pessimistic or bitter or anything but that is something I have heard too but I have never experienced. I guess I don't play my guitar for anyone but myself but I do write a tonne of music which people often know about. They are more than welcome to ask if they want to listen but I guess they might think I might be embarrassed. 

I listen to a lot of 70s/80s punk/post-punk music which largely informs my songwriting. I also grew up listening to classic rock radio so I am well acquainted with The Beatles, The Who. CCR, The Velvet Underground etc. I also like the 90s era as well.

[TheRenegade345]

I’m slipping a little bit. I’m just wondering if there is anyone I can talk to. 

[TheRenegade345]

Okay then....

Really??