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Asaddaughter
Casual Contributor

Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

It is hard to begin to discuss an issue you were led to believe was your fault for most of your 60 years. 

To have to admit it took 58 of those years to realize that your mother actually has a mental illness (not clinically diagnosed), and that the things you accepted blame for for all of those years wasn't all your doing makes me feel so stupid, but that is where I am at.

My mother has been widowed 3 times, and my only sibling died from drug abuse at the age of 24. My mum has had a sad life, and at 85 is overwhelmed by what she sees as the injustice of her lot in life. As the only family member who is left to assist her, I bear the brunt of her bitterness and anger and I am not sure I can cope any more.

As a consequence I am torn between the need to be there for my mum, and the need to protect myself from the awful abuse I have dealt with most of my life.

My dad died when I was 9, and I never really got to know him.  I was fortunate enough a few years later to have a great step-father who was a caring and kind man. He died at age 50 when I was 17 and leaving home to go to uni.He died at home, and it was not a nice experience. My mum did not cope with my leaving home, to the point where someone (I think a motel owner) had to call Lifeline to intervene in my mother's out of control behavior. 

At 19 I married my soul mate, and this year we celebrated 41 years of married life. My brother died a couple of years after our wedding, in India.

Mum married again, and her partner died at 55 years. I sat with her, with him the night he passed away in hospital.

My first son was born not long after my brother died, and he was severely disabled, both physically and intellectually. He was adored by my husband and myself, and we cared for him at home for 30 years, before 'the system' wore us down. It was with great sadness that we had to find an independent living situation for our beautiful boy when he was 30, as we were not coping with dealing with government departments and the cruel way they treat you - Centerlink in particular.

In the meantime we celebrated the birth of two more boys, one nearly died by being injected in the head during the birth process with a full syringe of Lignocain, but he is a bright and lovely man now thankfully.

Our family had to cope with not one, but two cases of discrimination by Government departments which involved breaches of privacy regarding our son, and led to both my husband and myself having nervous breakdowns, and completely distrusting people, so that our children were brought up with few friends, as we kept to ourselves after being the subject of a very public display of discrimination - placards, newspaper coverage - the whole works.

Five weeks ago our beautiful disabled son passed away, aged 38. It was sudden and devastating to us, and we are grieving.

I explain all this to demonstrate that life has been anything but easy, but we do approach every day with as much optimism as we can muster.

My problem is that throughout all of my life, my mum has been beyond unkind, and it has been the greatest source of intense depression and despair to me. She has threatened to commit suicide on a number of occasions, and in February this year was hospitalized after a care worker arrived at her house to find a 'suicide attempt' had taken place, and a nasty note left for myself and my husband, which the hospital staff suggested we not read. We didn't, but she made it clear anyway that we were responsible for her actions. After a week in hospital she was allowed back home.We go to see her once a week, and my husband won't let me go alone as she is worse when there is no witness, although she does not hold back anyway. She is combative with strangers, and will pick a fight with anyone. She says she tailgated a car doing 110klm/hr a couple of months ago.

Our son was admitted to hospital the following week for the first time, and the past few months have been up and down to the hospital while trying to run a business and do all the other things that need doing.

My mum is angry most of the time, and it is always our fault. We are just totally at the end of our tethers, trying to deal with someone who has no empathy for anyone, and knows what buttons to push to upset us.

 I read is that you must be kind and patient with people with borderline (narcissistic) personality disorder - but what about us? Do we not deserve to be treated with kindess and patience? I just want to scream and run away, and have done all my life, even before I realized it wasn't necessarily me that was the party that needed to have more control - especially since it was all my fault even when I was a child. How does that work? 

My heart is broken. My other children are not keen to visit my mum because they don't know how to handle her, and all I want to do is walk away. I am so tired of fighting to stay positive, in the face of great adversity - not just for a year or two, but for the whole of my life. I am so stressed not knowing how to deal with this, and when it is all going to end. I don't think I am making too much of a trivial matter - I have been to counsellors pretty much my whole life to cope and currently take advantage of the 10 free sessions under medicare. What happens when they end, I have no idea. Fortunately I was only half way through when my son passed away, so I have a couple of appointments to see me through the next month or so.My husband is totally over it. He does not want to go and see her, and he is grieving badly for his dear son. After a temper tantrum this past weekend my husband asked her to acknowledge that we were a bit stressed at the moment due to our son's passing - her response was to beat her chest with her fist and exclaim 'I've lost a son too!!!'

Any suggestions on how I deal with being a 'good daughter' (in spite of that being an impossible target) and keeping myself sane would be appreciated. Please don't suggest my mother go to counselling - she doesn't have a problem in her mind - I do.

Sorry this is such a long post - I just felt I needed to clarify this isn't about a woman having a cushy life and just not wanting to help an aged parent, but actually an individual who has had to struggle to stay sane for decades, and has pretty much reached her limit.

Thanks for reading.

 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

Hi @Asaddaughter and welcome to the forums.

I'm glad you've reached out; I'm hoping these forums can act as a source of support for you, and give you the opportunity to share what you're going through, and feel heard.

 

I can see from your post that you've got a great deal of strength and courage in the face of a difficult situation. It's good to hear that you're engaging with some professional support; what sorts of ways does your counsellor support you?

Take care,
Bookworm

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

No, sorry

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

Hi @Asaddaughter,

 

I just wanted to reach out in compassion for you. I have no words or platitudes that can change your situation but wanted you to know that I get it. I completely understand what it feels like to have parents that break you.

 

Both of my parents broke me. In different ways. But they did break me.

 

Until you experience the depths of desperation and despair that being their only life line, life source, and ultimately responsible for all the pain they have endured, for me, you end up having very short conversations with people. You tell them 'little bits and pieces', simply because, one, a lot of people probably wouldn't believe you, and two, until you live feeling like you are under house arrest, its hard to describe that anxiety and fear.

 

Your Mum is a very unwell person. It sounds like all the losses and being grief stricken has made her sick. My father exhibited similar, but a little different symptoms. His became obvious from a much younger age, his siblings say quite young. And he was very aggressive to say the least.

 

We were children, so very vulnerable, and being exposed to a daily barrage of insults, guilt trips, mind games, lies, deceit, controlling behaviour......was simple too much.

 

Our home was his stage to thrash out all his bitterness for his 'lot in life' and everyone who had ever hurt him. Real and imagined, becuase he did have qualities of delusion. His lies were so extreme, I classify them as delusional. And yet he was also lucid to the fact they were lies becuase if you dared to challenge them, all hell broke loose. My sister in a moment of brazen, fed-up-ness confronted him about his biggest, most ridiculous and unbelievable lie, and he lunged at her very aggressively with a kitchen implement. She's traumtised as you can imagine. 

 

She was reminding me recently of her earliest childhood memory. For me, other memories trumped this one, so I had forgotten. I remember him coming home from work one day to find that our Nana had bought my sisters and I Barbie dolls. He was so furious, so full of rage that we had 'received', because our only purpose on this planet was to give to him, and to give to him only, and fully, that he went into a furious rage and smashed up the whole house. And I mean smash the whole house!!

 

He was so intent on making it be known that we were undeserving and not our own people. The most grotesque act he ever did to display this was when my eldest sibling was about 15, like a lot of us around that age, we start making out with the sex we are attracted to. He came downstairs and found my sister kissing her first boyfriend and went ballistic. Rage, to the point they ran to the train station in fear of their lives. He made Mum and I be part of his 'search party' that had to drive around the suburbs so he could punish them once and for all. The next day he got the drill and tools out of the garage and put a padlock on the outside my sisters bedroom door, and he had the key. He locked her in her bedroom at night!

 

These are some of the more dramatic moments.......but it was such a long, hard, draining, traumatic experience, being that man's daughter, that like you, I also had a major breakdown some years after my Dad committed suicide. And yes, he left a very cruel letter to my mother.

 

I still care for my mother as much as I can. She has major mental illness and has been very unwell since a teenager. I love her and have deep compassion for her.......but some days I hate her because of the child abuse/neglect, evangelising my father stuff. Not because she's sick. That is not her fault, and she did not ask for it..but.....she has also broken me. I have very little left to give because my own mental health needs attention. 

 

My psychiatrist said, Corny this is the breakdown you had to have. But what a lot of doctor's don't realise, is that there are breakdowns and being broken. 

 

I think you are feeling like you are broken.

 

Realistically, all you and your husand can do is tread water. And wait for the scenery to change. You are both grief stricken, worn down, stressed beyond belief, and traumatised.

 

It will be a long journey.

 

I totally get the desire to walk away and the complicated, fraught emotions that you feel.

 

Take care, and post again if you feel like it. But there is no pressure. Put yourself first.

 

Corny Heart

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

Thank you for responding Bookworm.

The counsellor helps by listening, and is pretty much the only person beside my husband I have to talk to, as it is a difficult subject to broach with the few friends I have. I don’t want them to just know me as a whinger always complaining about my mother.

She gave me a book to read ‘Walking on Eggshells’ which was useful, as it helped to know so many other people are dealing with this issue. I do try to manage the situation using some of the strategies in the book, but have to confess it is hard. 

As stated in my original post, it has only just become knowledge to me that there is an actual disorder known as Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The day I found that out was a revelation, as I had carried the guilt of our difficult relationship myself for my whole life, because my mum kept telling me it was. I could not believe a parent could be so mean to a child unless they deserved it. 

The relationship has been challenging since I was a small child, and as there was no father there to oversee things, life was extremely difficult. Now I have more of an understanding of the situation I am just very sad for me and for my mum, but just don’t know how much longer I can handle it. 

Thank you for providing the chance to get this out.

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

Thank you for responding Corny. Yes, how can you share these stories with people who have no experience of a parent who can hurt so much? I am so envious of ladies who can go shopping with their mum, and enjoy their company. I have never been able to do that.

The most hurtful thing my mum has done is to blame me for my son’s disability, not once but twice. Many years ago she blamed my diet for his problems - we have always eaten Asian stir fries, lots of veggies and rice. This past weekend she blamed the ‘dirty’ house we moved to when I fell pregnant, that we spent a lot of time cleaning up. The fact that the cane field just outside the kitchen window was subjected to aerial spraying was probably more the problem, but that a mother could even bring the subject up when we are struggling to deal with our son’s death just leaves me in shock. 

I am trying to see the person, not the illness but really struggle with that. She knows no boundaries, and we are both so tired of trying and getting abused in subtle or outright ways every time we go to her house.

In fact it is our house, and she is living there rent free. She was in an over 50s village but wanted to get out because she hated it. She had 250 enemies after causing trouble with everyone to the point where the owner was going to evict her. We put her in a house we own and asked that she cover the rates and insurance. She tells everyone her daughter makes her pay rent. That is so hurtful as we worked two jobs last year to try to make up the income we lost, to the point where we nearly killed ourselves. It was a very physical job. 

I feel like I am caught in a trap. I want out, but I have to live with myself at the same time.

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

Bookworm, I did respond to you kind post, it is below. Thanks.

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

@Former-Member, thank you for your honest response.

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

@Cornythank you for sharing your story. I know you can understand how a lifetime of this sort of treatment can damage you completely. Like your dad, my mum was seen by everyone as having issues as a young person. I have communicated with a few people who knew her in her early 20s and the story is much as it is now, but probably not as extreme as it has become. Your father was a very challenging person to you and your sisters, clearly, and don't think I would have coped with his behaviour at all. My mum only hit me once as a teenager, so there was not so much of the physical abuse, just emotional blackmail, and control, control, control.

I hope you and I both make it through this difficult experience with no further damage. As my husband and I approach our later years, all we want is a quiet, happy life after all the upsetting and traumatic events we have endured together. I am sure the same applies to yourself, and your siblings. Best wishes to you.

Re: Will the pain ever end dealing with an elderly mother with a personality disorder

Thanks @Asaddaughter for your best wishes, and big hugs.

 

That is just the most awful accusation that your mother made. That you were somehow responsible for your sons disability. Your mother is a very unwell person. Our society views the psychotic illnesses as the most severe, but when I compare my mothers psychotic illness to my fathers mental illness......he trumps her, hands down as the most severe and relationally and socially bewildering and untreatable. 

 

He would of told you otherwise. In his mind, she was the problem, the weakness and family shame......he was just stressed. That was part of his delusional grandiose sense of his own suffering, and a clever psychological tact to justify his aggression. He would argue with doctors and nurses. He was hospitalised for months when I was in year 11 & 12 and the psychiatrist threw up his arms and said. "I cannot help this man". So he was sent home with Mum and us kids!

 

The reality is, that you and your husband are probably going to pass through the next few years of life in a dream-like state.

 

You have too much to contend with, and can only be expected to get through the day. Only make small goals for yourself, if any at all. Reality always hits, and when it does, with a past like yours, it can sometimes be with a 'thump'. You also lost a father, a sibling and a son. That is a lot of grief. When we have a person that is so incredibly domineering, and has convinced you for years that their pain is worse than anyone elses, it is very easy to be hard on ourselves, to minimise our own predicament and over state theirs. 

 

That said, in years down the track you will feel compassion for your Mum. It is a terrible condition that she has......but there are so many casualties right now, and there is not shame to be in self-protective mode. I often ask myself, would I have ever had my breakdown if I didn't move home after Dad died. It broke me. I was so isolated and alone. 

 

I have been in therapy for years. I shudder to think how much money I have spent on it. In some ways it has decreased my suffering, and in some ways it has shone a light on it and only given my reality more of a sting. 

 

Until your Mum passes, and is no longer suffering from this mental health condition that has resulted in her being very unwell and causing a lot of trauma and pain, you can only tread water and wait for the scenery to change unfortunately. 

 

The reality is that you are a beautiful daughter. 

 

And it is clear to me that you take the mother-child loyalty very seriously....but you are drowning. 

 

Take Care. And I hope that at the very least you and your husband can have lots of cuddles together. I am so glad you found your soul mate. 

 

Corny. 

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