Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

I was like that yesterday @Former-Member. Curled up in bed hoping to never get up again, but today a little light. I hope tomorrow a little light peeps through. 🌺🌺

[Former-Member]

Sorry to hear that @Maggie hope it all gets better for you.

[-Rayne-]

hey @Former-Member, good to meet you, thanks @Maggie

i’m starting to think maybe the drinking is partly a self-destruct thing. i used to have an ed too when i was much younger, and used other substances. ditched them eventually, self harm took off, ditched that, booze got out of control. 

now since i’ve been trying to reduce/ quit drinking  it seems like the biggest trigger is things going well in my life. anything potentially good ends in sabotage 😞

[Maggie]

@-Rayne-  I have an ed and Sh for me has eased, but both never leave. I think you might be on to something with sabotaging anything good. It's hard when you believe you deserve only negative things to happen. I could say you deserve better, but somehow, I don't think you will believe me, I know I don't for myself but I do for others. So I'm sending warm wishes if you can accept.💞💜

[Former-Member]

I have been on the other side of that prior.
Could be because you are not familar either when good things happen or start to happen. Think we all do things to take our pain away or cope with at least it.

How are you feeling?

[Whiteknight]

@-Rayne- hi, I'm new here.
Thanks for sharing your difficulties. Thats something to be proud of. You might not think so but praising yourself for such small steps is a way to semi brainwash your mind. Do that regularly, several times a day and it will have a result. Baby steps.

Then hopefully the cycle of motivation will comes around when one day you'll realise you have the strength to make a major leap forward. Until that day comes feeling a failure all the time wont help your cause.

Ive got a friend that went bankrupt. Best thing he ever did as it released much stress. He could still get limited finance for some items. It isnt important as its circumstances. Like many of those situations put them in a bucket and throw them in the river!

I hope you feel better soon. If you relapse into your goals thats ok. Pick yourself up again the next day and give it another crack. It isnt so much your failure at progressing thats important. ..its that you'll never ever give up trying...

WK

[MoonGal]

@-Rayne-, just jumped on the beoards after a bit of an absence and read your post. I so relate to the vicous cycle - stress/alcholol/success/failure/bankruptcy

I have been sober since May 2010, a lifetime of drinking, I got sober in 1989 via AA (and left that too much conforming pressure for me) and staid sober for 12 years, then started drinking again and battled. At that time I had not been diagnosed, was self medicating and drinking was self-harming hugely. I hated myself and used alcohol to run away from my terrible inner critic (which I know now was part of my mental illnesses).

I did not get help to stop that last time, it was a garganuan effort of self will to begin with. I spnt a few days purposefully recalling everything I could remember about how I got sober the first time and started to apply those things to my life minute by minute, hour by hour. I stood up to the many voices inside telling me it was hopeless and that I was helpless. I do not live with a diagnosis of DID - but dissassocitaive features were strong for many years. If you have a team in there who are on your side, perhaps consulting and getting them on board for a sobriety push may help, finding keys to overcome the objections of others. A kind of internal family conference about what is in your best interests, finding the pathway through.

One refrain I used to use to stop me picking up in the early days was "EVERYTHING is harder with a hangover". To remind me how tough it is to operate successfully in life with alcohol poisoning.

Since my diagnoses in 2014 - Bi Polar, cPTSD, Anxiety, OCD - I have been medicated, sometimes with abit of success, but persevering even though the nmeds wipe me out. THAT medication has helped me not drink - because I am calmer and less stressed with it on board.

I wish for you a way through your difficulties and hope you can find the impetus and resources that are just right for you. All the best. - Moongal- 

[-Rayne-]

Thanks everyone. I can relate to parts of what you all said but it's so hard to type responses. I hope you understand I do hear and it matters.

I am so stressed. Everything has just demolished. I'll be homeless soon. I don't even care anymore. I'm on the path... and thinking this is best, so be it. 

peace xo

[utopia]

@-Rayne- please talk to your gp. They can be your support until you are able to get a new psych. And they will be able to refer you.
If the stress of looking for work is too much at the moment - don't push yourself. Your doctor can fill out a CentreLink Medical Certificate that will give you some breathing space. Then you may find the strength to lodge your bankruptcy papers. That will lessen the stress. Step by step. One thing at a time to lower your stress.
You are doing really well. I'm impressed by what you have managed in the past. Yes it's hard now. But as the stress gets removed bit by bit - your strength will come back.

[-Rayne-]

Thanks @utopia. My GP has a really long waiting list for non-urgent stuff - about two months - but I could make a booking. I can't see anything being better in two months anyway. 

Yesterday in a brief bout of energy I called - I forget what it's called exactly but it's a government debt advice line - and the guy I spoke to was really excellent. As soon as I told him what my debt repayments are and what my income was, he said there was no way I could meet them. He was surprised I've done it as long as I have. So that was a relief because I always imagine people saying that I should budget better, or spend more wisely or something like that. 

He didn't have any new options though. Either I do bankrupcy and that means I lose my work licence or I may be able to get  debt agreement if I get a job but he thought it was unlikely but possible that the creditors would agree to it (even assuming I got work). So right now I feel like giving up the work license would better because all the debt would be gone after 3 years and I don't have the energy to work right now anyway. But I'm not sure how rational that is. I saw a job on seek today that I could apply for but I'm so tired. I'd happily live in a room above a pub or a caravan or something if all of this would go away, but I know it won't. I'd just have less stuff and be equally stressed.

The thing that's keeping me here is the promise of a surgery in November. I need to keep private health insurance for that though so that's #1 priority. I'll become homeless before I drop that.

Glad for this space to type my thoughts.