Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

My hubby is unwell, but doesnt know it @Nay69.  He thinks he made a sea-change ...... he developed an eating disorder in fact, and still can’t see that is what it is, despite actively masking the symptoms.

He “changed personality” through the course of this thin triggering, and became very emotionally aggressive and controlling ..... and I mean controlling ....,. cameras, phone stalking, the lot.  It’s a hallmark of an eating disorder.

Long story short, there appears to be a personality disorder in the family genetics, and what I saw as triggering was actually the sale of our business bringing him full-time into our home orbit, and it has come clear across time is that he had a “work personality” (PD) and home personality, but both couldn’t co-exist in the same space, so the dominant one took over, and channeled itself into a whole pattern of disordered behaviour, triggering the PD traits in the kids in the process.  The kids have come into medical view and received support, but hubby is still under the radar .... ☹️

His behaviour is settled when he is left to his eating disordered daily regimen, but flares up here and there like a geyser ...... 

I have had to learn to push back in the form of disengaging emotionally and setting boundaries ...... beyond that I remain as polite and co-operative about whatever lies within those boundaries as I can, and we continue to limp

forward in this state.  It’s not comfortable, but taking this bull by the horns would cause the sort of massive implosion that none of us have to strength to withstand at the moment.

Its just a suggestion, but see whether treating your hubby in a polite, but cursory fashion helps, and spend time out and on your own, gradually developing your own life, within your life, as much as you can.

[Nay69]

How do I get past this...? I have always been strong just like my father taught me to be. Now that my dad had gone I have no family members to confide in... simply because they don’t care about me. 

When my dad passed away my brother and sister found comfort in each other and I was left trying to deal with my pain on my own. Even at his funeral there was a montage put together by my nieces and there was not even one photo of me, my husband or our beautiful girl who my dad absolutely adored. It cut me to my very core. My dad was my rock... when my brother and sister thought that he was dying years before he actually did, he told me that I was his rock! It shook me....my dad felt that way about me too!

it is, was and always be the greatest honour to have been his daughter and his rock... guess you can tell that I miss him sooo much, especially now @outlander

[outlander]

@Nay69
With kids i can imagine it would make things so much harder for you as well. If leaving is what you feel is right then i believe you can do it, a way to maybe start is do do as F&H suggested and start building a life within your life....

Grief on top of this is extremely hard. They say it gets easier over time but im not so sure. I lost my nan who was also my best friend 2 yrs ago and like you i miss her more than ever esp when things are tough. Maybe when you miss him you can remember him by visiting his grave, or lighting a candle in his honour. It sometimes helps to soothe the soul a little.

[Nay69]

@Faith-and-Hope

I agree with you 💐 I have already given him too much air... he is using me to benefit himself and I don’t want to play this game anymore. My priority is my beautiful girl. She deserves the best that life can bring 👍

[Nay69]

I actually went to see him In July this year..... 4 years after he passed away. I know it sounds strange but after packing his things away the day after he died and smelling him on everything in that room, I just couldn’t bear going through another funeral service. One was more than enough! Given that I traveled over 1500kms to see him meant everything to me. I light a candle every day and I feel him with me. I carry his love and care in my heart and I am so happy that I can share it with you @outlandet

[outlander]

A survivor indeed beautiful @Sophia1 dont
Doubt your strength 💗

[outlander]

Im so glad that you carry his love and care in your heart @Nay69 they may be gone physically but they stay in our hearts and spirits forever.

[Sophia1]

apologies @Nay69

I misunderstood the whole story..

[Appleblossom]

@Nay69 I am not sure how long you have been married, but you seem to be finding a good way forward already in these posts. As @outlander pointed out, his behaviour is a problem and you deserve your life.

Being there for your child is certainly important, but managing the adult spousal relationship is integral.  A child is not really separate from their parents.

It sounds like you had a great relationship with your father and he can always be there to sustain you in spirit.  People remember their dead in all sorts of ways. What matters is that it was nurturing and healing for YOU.

@Faith-and-Hope 's politeness and finding outside creative activities is a way followed by many. I tried that for 16 years, but it was too extreme and had to separate. We all have a unique bundle of things to deal with.  Your story of the family outing touched me as I worked again and again at making family activities, even though my ex husband treated me badly. I just picked up wearily and did the practical and loving things that I could while I still had breathe in me. 

There may be ways to save the marriage.

Acceptance of toxic masculinity has regressed many men to the level of spoilt toddler.  Maybe some can grow up, it depends on how deep into it they are.  Family provision and Child rearing demands can overwhelm people and bring out the worst in them.

Having models of a good father can help.  Self protection is important while you work out whether you stay, or need to go.  It may take a while. Take Care of YOU as well as your daughter.