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Something’s not right

Eden1919
Senior Contributor

I am worried and unsure

I am nervous because I think things are getting bad again but I am too scared to tell anyone because of the abuse I suffered from the staff at the hospital and the community doctors I was forced to see. I know meds don't work for me they make things worse. I know therapy isn't working for me either. I am trying to eat healthy and exercise and that is not helping. Distractions and getting involved in other things isn't working. I can't find anything that is working. I don't have anywhere to turn for help as my family and friends are not an option and the professionals are not safe and will hurt me again.  But I am scared I can feel things coming over me again I have been trying to hard to ignore it all but I am not really able to do it anymore. 

 

I have been been hearing things again and seeing things and I am scared that the spirits are getting stronger again I can feel them they follow me and there is this evil evil feeling like they are waiting to destroy me. They want something from me and they are putting so much pressure on me. I know they are real because they don't leave even with the meds they don't leave and they where always there even when I was little only there weren't so many bad ones then now they all come. I am worried that I am going places in my dreams again and I can feel something so intense I really can but it is hard to explain. 

 

What at should I do I feel like I am slipping back into their world and I am really scared? I really can't tell any professionals that is not safe at all but I am not ok and I am not sure what to do...

24 REPLIES 24

Re: I am worried and unsure

@Eden1919 Hi Eden1919 sorry to hear that things have gotten this bad for you.  Can you go to your trusted gp and talk with him/her about what is going on. I understand how you feel about going back into hospital (there is no way I would go back either) thankfully I have a fantastic psychiatrist who has got me on the right meds that makes the voices go away. Plus the eating healthy and exercising helps a great deal.

 

Keep me posted on how you are doing. Take care. greenpea

 

ps: I found the community psychiatrists to be hopeless.

 

 

Re: I am worried and unsure

Hi @Eden1919. Really sorry to hear things are getting bad again. Sounds like you're trying really hard to do what you need to do to be OK. It's really tough when those things don't seem to be working.

I remember you were having a hard time a little while ago and it sounds like things got a little better from there for a while. What was it that helped you the most last time? Maybe there's something in that you can try to do.

Re: I am worried and unsure

@greenpea I don't trust my GP with my mental health stuff the times I have tried to talk to him have been useless and very upsetting I genuinely have nobody I can trust or talk to about this. And I have tried over 20 different meds and all of them made me worse and gave me horrible sideffects some of which I am still dealing with 6 months after stopping them and I am now having to get scans and tests done for something because of one of them. The hospital which is the only hospital in my state left me with physical injuries which again some are a year old now some even older and still are not healed and have left me with what I believe to be a permanent type of damage and constant pain. They have also made me develop a lot of trauma symptoms but I am too scared to talk about it so can't say I have ptsd but when I looked up the symptoms for that it was pretty similar to what I am experiencing. Constant nightmares, flashbacks, I start to panic anytime I even drive near the building and I am constantly afraid that anything I say and or do will land me back there. Even writing this has made me start to feel sick to the stomach with anxiety. Both my GP and psychiatrist have mentioned that I don't really have any options left for treatment and the last hope I had of dealing with my eating issues said I was too complicated for their service. I honestly don't know what to do. I am sure if I wasn't so scared of the hospital I would try and end things again. But I am too scared that I will fail and end up back there. 

 

@CheerBear Nothing got better I have just been ignoreing everything as best I can but I am getting worn down and don't know how much longer I can keep this up but then again I don't really have any other options.  

Re: I am worried and unsure

Hey @Eden1919 firstly I am so sorry to hear about these painful experiences, what a testament to your resilience and strength as a human being. It sounds like the hospital experience has resulted in a lot of conflicting and confusing emotions. Just touching in on your Psychiatrist, what's your relationship like there? I know you mentioned you're unsure of your GP but keen to know how the rapport is with your Psych. 

Is your Psychiatrist aware of the concerns around hospital, and your fear over the lack of services? Is there a counsellor on a helpline or otherwise you feel really hears you? The community is here to listen as well of course, I think it's really awesome you've jumped in here and sought out some peer advice - that shows a lot of strength.

 

Sounds like the thoughts are getting pretty heavy, are you feeling you can stay safe today? Heart 

Re: I am worried and unsure

@nashy I am able to stay safe for now. My psychiatrist bothers me he keeps saying things that are really upsetting and offensive but he doesn't know he is doing it like he is just really careless with his comments but I don't think he means to upset me but that doesn't mean he isn't upsetting me. He also doesn't listen to me very well and I often have to repeat myself multiple times and then each time I see him repeat it again. But I don't have much choice and can't see someone else because firstly he is the only one I can afford and secondly all the other psychs in my state are terrible and even worse than he is. (I have met most of them during hospital stays) and I do appreciate that my current psychiatrist doesn't force me to do things mostly he respects my decisions even if he doesn't agree which is good for me so I am glad for that. Also he isn't the worst he just doesn't really listen much and also doesn't know when he says something offensive. But I can't talk to him either I have no one. 

 

I feel really bad and I have no idea what to do anymore. I am scared and I feel like time is kind of running out I can't even explain it. I don't even feel real anymore and everything looks and sounds and feels weird and I feel like I am in a dream and I just want to hide away somewhere quiet but I can't because the noise and the bad things are following me and they won't go away. I keep seeing shadow people running around and hiding behind corners I don't look behind the corners I am trying to ignore them. But then there are the 2 things that follow me and they sometimes talk and sometimes I can feel them breathing down my neck.  But I don't look back I keep walking and run to shut the door behind me. I can feel them everywhere and other things too. I am scared they want to take me with them. But there is nothing I can do they will never leave. 

Re: I am worried and unsure

@Eden1919. It does sound a lot like PTSD.  Especially when you travel near that hospital.  You must have had such a frightening experience there. 

I don't really have any suggestions for you.  But wanted you to know that I hear you.  I hope things settle down very soon for you. 

Re: I am worried and unsure

@utopia Thanks. It was horrible I honestly think that place needs to be shut down for the safety of everyone involved. But no one who could do anything about it actually cares about my opinion so I guess I just have to keep myself away from it at all costs. 

 

I am still not sure what to do I am really struggling with staying in this world with everyone else. I don't mean like safety wise I just mean like mentally. I feel like I am in a dream and I don't feel like things around me are real and it feels like the things around me are changing into strange things, trees are turning into living emotive things, people look more like ghosts, the air feels alive and all the colors look weird. I keep thinking I am walking in and out of different dimensions never knowing which one is home. The furniture is alive or possessed I don't know which. People talk but it sounds funny like there is something else inside them. Food tastes like people have put things in it. I feel like I am Alice in wonder land. Only Alice woke up from her dream.... maybe if I just try and hold on tighter I can stay. But I am scared they will find me again and hurt me I am so scared so I have to pretend. Pretend like I am talking to the red queen like my life depends on it. My life does depend on it. 

Re: I am worried and unsure

@Eden1919. Are you able to stop it getting worse? Are you able to keep it at it's current level? I worry that if it gets worse you will end up as a forced patient in the hospital. I wonder if you go into hospital as a voluntary patient, if you will then have more control over your treatment.

Has anything worked in the past, to try to stop sinking into that world? Could you try the same things, see if it helps? Either way, I'm here for you.

Re: I am worried and unsure

@utopia thank you again. I am not sure I am feeling really bad and it has got even worse than before I am trying so hard to stop it but I don't know that I can I am really scared. I am worried my family has been possessed by the shadows that follow me around and maybe they are just pretending to be nice to me to trick me. I don't want to think this but I can't not and I am worried cause the shadow creatures are around a lot more and one keeps trying to get inside my head and he wants me to go with him but I don't want to they have wanted me to go with them for a while but I keep saying no but I am scared they will take me when I sleep to their world which is bad. I can't tell anyone I am so scared I don't know what to do I am trying to just listen to music and watch movies but I am having trouble staying in one place. I don't know I want to cry. I don't want this to happen again it can't I am not safe from them I have really messed up why do I ruin everything? 

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