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Something’s not right

Ezz16
New Contributor

Should I stay or go?

Hi All,

I am posting this because I am feeling incredibly lost and need some advice from people who may have gone through some of these issues before.

 

My partner (who I have been with just over a year) is a soldier in the Army and has been for 15 years. About six months into our relationship when we moved in together, I noticed that he was drinking quite heavily. He made many excuses, saying that he's been like this since he was 18 and its the army "culture". This drinking has escalated into as soon as I am out, drinking every single drop of alcohol in the house or he will drive home completely off his face with no regard for his own safety (let alone anyone else’s which drives me mental), if he comes home at all.

 

After threatening to leave him a number of times, he had a complete breakdown lying on the floor crying and finally agreed to get some help. This resulted in him seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist through work and he seemed to be on the improve as we were told he had depression, anxiety and PTSD. Alcohol was removed from the house but he continued to have random drinking sessions behind my back when he was "stressed out" which again resulted in him completely drunk and incoherent.  

 

Fast forward a couple of months and in the last 3 weeks alone I have dealt with the following:

  • Partner had back surgery a day before moving day which resulted in me moving the house without his assistance (he couldn't help the date as what the army says, goes)
  • His car broke down which he/we can’t afford to fix
  • 2 dogs have had surgery due to cutting themselves on broken fence at new house
  • He had a relapse on the drinking and drank almost 2 straight bottles of vodka and passed out on the back patio for his nephews to witness when they woke up that morning (my birthday, great timing)

 

The last incident resulted in me ringing his doctor at the army in complete desperation and said that I can no longer provide him with the care that he obviously needs. He has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital where they believe he has bipolar and are treating him for that with a combination of medication. He is an inpatient and doesn't appear to be coming home any time soon. He did come for a 6 hour visit yesterday but asked to be taken back early as when I tried to discuss the alcohol he hid around the house, it made him upset.

 

I am completely confused, overwhelmed and exhausted and am now reflecting on the past couple of months and feeling like he has constantly lied, been disrespectful of my feelings and taken me for granted. I rang a counsellor who asked me what is keeping me in the relationship and I was embarrassed when I couldn't really answer and she said that it sounds like I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore and should go. I would feel like a horrible person for leaving at this time because I would be abandoning him when I know he is relying heavily on me and at least he is willing to get the help and do any treatment that they ask of him. I should add that when he is in a good place we have a great relationship and very rarely argue and he is genuinely a nice guy. I just don't know if that's enough to make me stay and see it out and am feeling myself withdrawing and cutting off my feelings for him, which I am not sure if I want to do.

 

I am also in a highly stressful admin job within emergency services and am constantly under pressure in that environment too, which I am trying to balance with these pressures at home (and failing).

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and for any advice you can offer about whether I should stay or go.

1 REPLY 1

Re: Should I stay or go?

Hi there @Ezz16 thanks so much for posting and sharing your journey.

 

You are an incredibly strong person no doubt, I hope you take time out to acknowledge your own strength, wisdom and patience in all of this. It is a very painful affliction when we want to help a loved one, to be there and provide support to see them through to the otherside. It's equally hard to realise our loved ones have to pick up some of the load as well, and that the journey to recovery is of their own accord.

 

You've engaged in all of the right supports and even spoken to a counsellor which is incredible because it means you're working towards some form of change. I suppose the trickiest part is, you can be the only person to decide whether to stay or go. It sounds like you may already know? 

 

This community is a great space to talk and gain support through transitions such as this. I just wanted to check in too and see whether you're aware of Open Arms (previously VVCS) and their 24/7 counselling phone line? It's available to spouses/family members of serving and ex-serving members, you can check out their website here.  Heart

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