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Something’s not right

gumdropbuttons
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Why am I doubting my relationship?

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. The whole relationship has made me feel like the happiest person alive. Up until last week I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling at him and the butterflies in my tummy kept coming. But last week I confessed to him that months prior I had had a small crush on a cowoker. The coworker was attractive to me and I use to be a very visual person. I found many people attractive but I had started to develop a little ceush on my coworker when he started talking to me more. I liked his outgoing attitude that my boyfriend does not have. I still loved my boyfriend and if the coworker ever tried to make a move on me I would have definately turned him down and stopped talking to him. I had done this on some occassions when friends (whom i found attractive as well but not crushing) would try to pass the friendzone. I would block them and immediately tell my boyfriend. So i knew that in this case with the coworker I would have done the same without a doubt in my mind. The crush on my coworker went away all on it's own. I hadn't stopped talking to him it just went away. A couple of mo ths later I quit that job and me and my boyfriend were talking about boundaries. My boyfriend told me that in to him if someone is to get feelings for another person then that is cheating. This gave me feelings of guilt and I let him know about the co worker. He got very upset but pushed it away and said that it was okay because me and him are still together and that it was months ago. But i wasn't able to keep feeling so much guilt and cried excessively for days going in and out of anxiety attacks. I  told my friends about it who in turn told me that I cannot truly love my boyfriend if i had a crush on someone else. Now I keep asking myself if this really what love is? Do i not love him enough? I can't get these questions off my mind. I keep going to Google asking these questions and I can't stop freaking out. I wake up and immediately my heart starts punding hard. At night i can't go to sleep without calming down my anxiety. And during the night I wake up shivering from my anxiety attacks. Throughout the day i break down crying and shaking. And when I see my boyfriend we will be having a fun time and laughing and then I start bawling like crazy infeont of him. I tell him it's my anxiety and he tried to support me through it. I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. They come racing through my head for the past week. My have thoughts of breaking up with him but it just makes me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts and I feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything at al. There have been moments where I feel a burst of warmth in my heart and I feel like there is clarity. I know that I love him and I know everything will be okay, and that everything I am going through is anxiety. I could be with him laying in his arms and think to myself that 'this is where I belong.' I also have visions of the future with him in it and I smile. Unfortunately they don't last long because of my thoughts.

I know I love him, he is an amazing person and we share so many laughs together. And like I said a week ago I was falling asleep with a smile on my face thinking of him thinking of how we met and imaging him hugging me feom behind sleeping together in peace. I would feel so in love just looking at him and would get butterflies every hug and kiss we shared. I just wish I knew how to get past this anxiety so I can give more to the relationship and be my happy with him again like before these thoughts even started.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Why am I doubting my relationship?

Hi gumdropbuttons, welcome to the SANE furums. Your post regarding your relationship and your anxiety issues was very comprehensive and informative. I am sure you will get some feedback from the forum members.

Re: Why am I doubting my relationship?

Hi @gumdropbuttons, welcome to the forum. Woman Happy

I'm 56, and have a lot of different experiences with relationships and attractions over my life. You sound like you may be quite a bit younger and so, perhaps, not so experienced in the complex realities of relationships.

I would say it's very rare for people in relationships to go without being attracted to other people at some time or another. From my point of view, this is quite a normal part of being human. To expect otherwise is, in my view, unrealistic and being much too hard on ourselves. The important thing is what you do with these feelings and attractions.

As I see it, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and are torturing yourself unnecessarily. Perhaps the only unwise thing you have done is share with your boyfriend that you had those feelings for another person.

I suspect he is youngish too in order for him to say what he said. It seems most likely to be a reflection on his feelings of jealousy from you telling him about your feelings for the other person. In future, I suggest you think twice before sharing feelings like that with your partner, out of care for his feelings.

There are many things in life that are best kept to ourselves, or shared only with special friends that we can trust. In my view, it is a myth that partners should be open about every single thing we think and feel with each other. In my naivety, I believed something like that when I was younger, and it very often caused a lot of unnecessary distress for myself and the other person.

Please leave these awful feelings of guilt in the past now and move forward with the person you love. Wishing you both well. Heart

Re: Why am I doubting my relationship?

Thank you so much!

Re: Why am I doubting my relationship?

@gumdropbuttons, you're welcome! Smiley Happy

The forum is a good place to share inner thoughts and feelings that we might not want to share with others in our real life. We are all anonymous here and many of us find it helpful to have this space to speak about things we find too hard to mention elsewhere.

If you wish to reply to anyone in particular, just put an @ symbol before typing their name. They will then be notified you have replied to them. Have a look around and feel free to join in any discussions of interest to you. If you are still having trouble with your feelings with your boyfriend (or anything else), feel free to post more about what you are going through.

Kind wishes, Maz Heart

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