Forum Etiquette (Netiquette)

[Sophia1]

hello @Zoe7 @NikNik and all other readers..

I have written a lengthy passionate response....I am sure that there is no surprise..

I am reticent to post this response as I do not want to upset or ruffle any feathers..

I respect where you are coming from Zoe with your ideas and can see that you are open to the responses of others also...I know that you passionately want to help improve the forums...for all of our sakes...I commend and applaud you for all of your efforts...you have given so much with the birthday threads..

However..

I am seeing this from a totally different angle...I think this also is part of types of personalities if we were to look at some of the psychological programmes over the years...

so important to acknowledge that we are all so very different and unique..

This last statement is where I passionately believe that we all respond in a unique way....We all approach the forum in our own unique way...We all gather information if any other than the threads in our own unique ways..

This is what is so unique about these very forums....this to my mind is why they are such a success and growing rapidly...for that very uniqueness allowing each of us to be ourselves as much as we know how to...in a world that is becoming more judgemental and critical no matter how much they spout otherwise..

I understand the looking back over the last few pages...even the profile...(this did not occur to me until the last six months...after being here for about a year) I am an intelligent ...compassionate person (would not have written this six months ago even though knew in my heart)...I am also extremely sensitive and so very very deep... 

There are many of us who do not flit backwards and forwards to different threads for whatever reasons that are rightfully their's...many who say very little...

we also have to be very careful using the word "negative"....who gets to decide what a negative comment is....that could be a very judgemental and damaging action..."negative thoughts" are often written down from a state of having no energy left...feeling unloved and not fitting in...having tried for far too long" ...giving up.....possibly even a person's last effort at reaching out before shutting down altogether..

We must not frighten away..deter..those of us who do not respond very often...we must encourage people to open up...it does not matter what they say when they vent...as long as the forum censor is in place...as long as no comments are directed at another individual...

I truly do not want to be seen as criticising you Zoe because I sincerely believe that you are on a worthwhile mission here...

I think this is an extremely difficult area...that if not handled in the sensitive manner it deserves could isolate many from joining...staying...responding...

we must not lose sight that we are unwell...at different times for each of us not thinking rationally..not needing to be worried about who we are going to offend...I would not write a thing if that was the case..

I would like to see guidelines...a section on how to manage if feeling offended...how to deal with triggers...these might already be here..

another point the forum has grown to such an extent that perhaps the actual programme itself needs adapting ...not the sensitive...beautiful people who reach out for help here ...because the real world is so egotistical and in a rush...has no time for those of us who need time to feel safe enough to speak...then wait to see the reactions of others ...in fear that we have offended...not because we have...because our image of self tells us so...

apologies for length...this is a huge passion of mine...as is a mirror of the real world..

[Jacques]

I would suggest not using slang or shorthand net words, people that are older or foreign may not understand what you are trying to say

[Zoe7]

Firstly @Sophia1 thank you for your response - it is exactly this kind of response that is needed to debate many of the points already brought up from a variety of different angles - so your response is not only appropritate but welcomed 

As you said - we all come from different angles, backgrounds, and with different styles when addressing issues or posting in the forums. What we are intending to do here is reach some kind of consensus on what we would like and not like to see as becoming common etiquette on the forum. Some of thepoints raised will not resonate will all but may with only some whereas some things such as using CAPITALS represent shouting are more common across the internet in general - it is about what we as a collective can agree or disagree on as a whole.

One of the reasons that the point about reading some back posts before posting was brought up was from a previous thread where some people felt 'left out' when they posted in an existing conversation with a new 'issue' or 'topic'. This can alientate that person if the conversation has been going for some time and their post does niot 'fit with' the discussion. It can also end the conversation abruptly if members do not feel they can continue the conversation. I understand completely what you are referring to here @Sophia1 - and yes it is a tricky one from whatever viewpoint you take - inevitably someone is going to feel like they are not being heard.

[Zoe7]

That is a great point @Jacques and I think one that we often do not think about as it has become second nature to many of us - definitely something to be pushed I feel among members 

[Mazarita]

Well said, @Sophia1.

I too am reluctant to agree to many more 'rules' aside from the guidelines in place. Part of my reasoning for this is that the guidelines themselves are already at a virtually unreadable length. In reality, I believe many people don't read guidelines, especially if they read like essays. That's clearly not the case with what @Zoe7 is proposing, but I think the main benefit of it will be now, when we are reading about it's possible introduction. Rather than later when they may be in place but few people read them. For me they are a bit like those 'terms and conditions' you find on websites everywhere that require a 'tick' before you can enter a site. How many people actually read those things? 

Again, no intention here to offend, just getting some thoughts off my chest too. Bear in mind, I am very much anti- 'rules' in general. In fact, at one time in my life I considered myself an anarchist. Not in the terrorist sense at all. More in the sense that people find their own way through life in a moral way without so many rules. These days I am more moderate than that and see the need for some rule of law in various situations. But I think it should be kept to a minimum.

Still, I agree that civility and politeness between members is a fabulous ideal!

[Zoe7]

That is the idea @Mazarita - that we are all involved in the 'construction' of what we would like to see on the forums so it is not something that simply 'pops up' in the form of more community guidelines. This happened with 'Self-care and Conflict' under the community guidelines and I suspect not many people would even know that section is there let-alone read it.

[Sophia1]

spot on @Jacques

I have been meaning to ask for some time now what does "irl" mean?

"wtg" was explained when I asked...have forgotten answer though...

when at work had to ask what "lol" meant..

this is the generation talking I realise...

again we are on a forum that reaches out across this world to all different...ages...languages..cultures...

something used automatically by some as their way of interacting in their groups yet can also come across as excluding some without intending to...

[Zoe7]

@Sophia1 'irl' means in real life.

I agree that using these can exclude some - and I do that without thinking myself at times - I will be more aware when posting in future 

[Zoe7]

@Sophia1 I think this would be a good place to also discuss appropriate language...

• Use appropriate language – swearing or inappropriate language may be seen as offensive.

I personally find swearing offensive. I understand that it is the 'normal' everyday language for some people - but it seems to have a greater imoact when the words are written on a page. It can also be seen as 'hostile' language in certain situations.

Swearing and inappropriate language can also be a deterrent for people to enter a conversation or reply to a post. This is possibly where we can distinguish also between a positive or negative post - I would see swearing as using negativity in a post. I personally am more reluctant to reply to someone that is communicating using inappropriate or offensive words. this could be something also looked at by our community managers @NikNik - what words should be added to the 'banned' list.

[Sophia1]

trying to condense my thoughts....nigh impossible for me laugh

forums must encourage those who struggle to speak up...those who like myself live in a foggy state of mind and struggle with this on a day to day basis in the real world..

so many of the different symptoms of mental unwellness do not allow people to be organised or have rational...orderly thinking..

we must encourage more the people who have come in search of help...who cannot even find words...express themselves...who have noone in their life who listens to them...

reading back over the pages is a very daunting experience ....no offence @Zoe7..I understand where you are coming from...for me I do not have the time.. also cannot retain the information with my present state of health...or could where my health was when I first landed here...

there is a pattern of conversation between those who use the forum more frequently...perhaps have their smart phones (I believe I am using the correct technology here) where they check in and are so used to quickly responding to social media...can read back and respond...comes naturally to them

I am not in that age group...I know that I am not alone also...again I think of carers who have such if any little free time..they cannot use such precious time to be reading previous posts and checking profiles....their time is worth gold...they need it for their self care...

the emphasis must be more on the forum.. not the people who use it having to adapt to an everchanging...evergrowing forum...

for this forum to continue to meet the needs of such unique...talented people...on the lived experience side and those already over-burdened loving souls...the forum has to continue to understand that all of us approach things in our own unique ways...

we so need to feel that we have a right to be here....in our way...

I have now stopped myself responding to new people...I do not have the energy or time to read their profile previous whatever it is called ...activity?

If I have to start reading back pages which I honestly have tried...I become frazzled and more confused..have started to reply and then after passionately writing a response have saved it...gone back to read again the posts ...only to find three or more pages...I so want to reply but cannot..this leaves me feeling so very isolated and alone...I know this is my own issue...

I strongly believe that people like myself who are so very sensitive...who do feel so very alone when surrounded by many...who have felt for so long that they do not fit..who struggling to accept self and like self can so easily feel excluded..

perhaps I am just too deep and am ranting about my own feelings attempting to state that others feel the same way..