Lived Experience Forum

[Debbys]

Hi 

I am new to this forum.  I have recently retired and moving to Fiji with my husband to live for 3 yrs - he has a job there. We have lived there previously for 1 year. Really love the life there, but I do feel anxious about moving back. Have suffered from anxiety for a long time.

My current concern is jeolousy - how to control it.

My husband gets on very well with woman and this causes me continual axiety and jeolousy. Also he had an affair several years ago. I need to be able to control this jeolousy and suspicion as it is driving me crazy(and my husband) - and socially it is embarrasing.

My current concern - we have a female friend - who lives in Figi, who has been messaging my husband and on 2  recent visits there - on his own, he spent time with her - scuba diving and a coffee meet up. He reassures me that they are just friends - nothing to worry about!! Which deep down I do believe is true on his part, but on her part I am not sure of her intentions!!

She does not regularily message me - just occaissionally. She also had an affair with a married man in Figi! She is single. 

I have told him that I no longer want to be friends with her. Am i overreacting? I have not contacted her to voice my concerns.

Should I just avoid her once we move to Fiji? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Debbys and welcome to the forums.

I don't blame you at all over struggling with feelings of jealousy. I think any red-blooded woman in your situation would be ..... I certainly would ......

The fact that he has had an affair previously has already impacted the strength and integrity of your relationship, and in the interest of trying to repair your broken trust in him, what he is doing is not supportive at all. He would appear to either be totally lacking in empathy for your feelings, or a person who is unable to say no to someone requesting a coffee or scuba-diving "date".

I am not saying that married men and women ought not to have friendships with members of the opposite sex ...... its how much is invested in those friendships and how much private, intimate time is given to them ...... and catching up for coffee or scuba-diving together as a couple of people is intimate, whether they are a "couple" or not .... at least in my perspective.

My husband and I don't "date" members of the opposite gender out of respect for each other and the fact that we are married. If there is an offer to catch up for coffee, then we invite in a "chaperone" so it's not just the two alone.

My mum raised me with a mantra that says "things not only have to BE right, they also need to be SEEN TO BE right." It's very solid advice.

I recommend you and your husband have couple's counselling over this so it is a trained professional advising both of you together about marriage boundaries ..... I also think you will need support from that counsellor to get your point of view across to your husband, and to explain the affects and consequences of what he is doing.

I hope that helps @Debbys ..... and I wish you all the best with it.

💐💕

[Lunar]

Hi there @Debbys

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you. Sorry to hear you are currently going through a difficult time feeling like you cannot trust your partner or the woman that he is in contact with frequently, that does not sound easy at all.

It also seems like you are going through a stressful transition and big change in your life with retiring and moving overseas. Which would be adding to your worries and anxiety.

Jealousy is quite normal and does show that you care for your partner, but also constantly worrying can be very tough especially if you already suffer from anxiety, are you receiving some support or have some coping skills to use more at the moment? It sems like self-care should be a priority for you at the moment.

You also mentioned your husband had an affair years ago, how did you manage to cope with that then? That must have been terribly difficult, are you able to address these feelings with your partner?

Glad you have come to the forums for some extra support right now as it seems that is needed, there are some other threads that you might also want to read through that talk about anxiety;

@Former-Member has a great thread about 'Anxiety'

@snickers also has a great thread called 'Anxiety'

There was also a Topic Tuesday about 'Managing Relationships' awhile ago, that might be interesting to read through for you,

Lunar 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @Debbys I'm glad you found the forum and also want to say thank you for your honesty and courage in posting such an honest post. You have a lot going on! I don't have much direct experience with your situation but really wanted to welcome you here and hope that you find the community helpful and supportive!
Take care, I hope to continue seeing you around the forums.

[Shaz51]

Hi there @Debbys

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you, how are you today

[Lauz]

Hi @Debbys,

Just thought I would join everyone here in saying welcome and to see how you are going?

Lauz

[ideaslady]

Hi @Debbys,
I read your post while I was away in NZ. I started to reply but got distracted with my chaotic life. I have thought of you a few times since then but usually when I'm doing something like driving and can't reply.
I really feel for you. Jealousy or having doubts or concerns is not easy. I know first hand and it feels horrible. For me it's not my husband but other women, even friends that flirt with him. Naturally, I'm sure he enjoys the attention.
How's everything going for you now?
A change to Fiji sounds amazing.