Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[reallytrying]

Hi everyone -- this is my first post. Been living with my BPD wife for 12 years, second marriage with a blended family. She's been in therapy for a while but I just really got the diagnosis in the past weeks and am trying to manage the situation. My biggest challenge is with my 18 year old daughter, who is a very bright and thoughtful person. She has been trying to manage her relationship with her stepmom along the way as well.  My wife is extremely jealous of my relationship with my daughter, which is one of the greatest joys in my life. She will either overtly attack and demonize it or subtly try to drive a wedge between us.  This has been the main topic of conversation when I've attended therapy with her, yet she continues to do it.  Just today, while at work, I get a text from my wife asking if I was getting text responses from my daughter. I asked, what do you mean? Next message is "well -- that's fine I deserve it." This in the middle of an already busy and stressful work day.  I responded can we talk about this later, after work? -- and got no response. Now I sit and worry stew get angry wonder try to work not sure what I'm coming home to. I don't know what she texted my daughter and didn't discuss it with her yet, not wanting to try and control or manipulate the situation (a mistake I've made in the past). I know my daughter is very cautious and sometimes afraid to respond because so many traps have been set before. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @reallytrying

Living with someone with MI is difficult. To be able to do so, we often need to get support ourselves. There are some others on the forum who have partners with BPD.

You may need to get your own support be able to make boundaries in relation to acceptable behaviours around your daughter and to be able to stick to them.

It is well documented that the mental health of carers can be compromised so it is important to take care of ourselves. You will find a lot about self care on this forum. You may be able to get a mental health plan through your GP to enable you to get 10 medicare rebateable psychology sessions that could help you with boundary setting and other coping strategies.

These are some links - the 2nd article is from a counseling service - I will put in a disclaimer here that I have no knowledge of this service and am not promoting it in any way - the link is purely for the article which gives helpful hints for BPD relationships.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/loving-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

https://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/deal-relationship-borderline-lover/

[Lunar]

Hello @reallytrying

Welcome to the forums, it is great that you are seeking some support for the very difficult situation you are currently in with caring for your partner with BPD symptoms whilst also caring for your daughter and going to work. That is a lot to be dealing with so it is understandable that things are quite tricky to manage.

It seems like your partner is perhaps a bit threatened by the love you have for your daughter, which is her own issue, nothing that you can really change as the love you have for your daughter is such a positive quality and should be appreciated and valued.

But, that doesn't solve your issue, as your partner gets jealous and controlling and reads into things very easily leaving you in distress, which is not fair on you so you do need to work on having some boundaries with her by being consistant with how you communicate with her, this takes a bit of practise and people generally do need support to implement boundaries. I am not sure if you are getting any support already but you might like to read through some resources from the BPD Foundation to start with

It would also be helpful for your daughter to also learn a bit more about those symptoms so you both are are working together and not taking those behaviours personally so you avoid a wedge being driven between you both.

Please keep reaching out here for that extra support and talking about what you have found helpful and not helpful, you mentioned that you avoid asking your daughter things as that is a mistake you have made in the past? What tends to happen when you ahve done that?

Lunar

[Troy]

Hi realytrying

If I might chime in here as well, my wife suffers from very serious jealousy issues sometime it’s the love I have for my children and sometimes it’s her fears that I will fall in love with a passing stranger or even a child. It’s an extreme possessiveness, something I wouldn’t have believed if I wasn’t living it. At one point driving a wedge in between me and my children was a real concern. In my situation I was able to alleviate some of this with a foundation of reassurance and a discussion about damaging our family. I come from a broken family and using this as a catalyst saying I don’t want my children to suffer from the same situation I did as a child seemed to help me alleviate this issue.

It’s not easy and good luck