Lived Experience Forum

[Aoife]

Come from a background where both parents were abusive narcissists. Not one person in my childhood tried to help in any way. Jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Married an abusive narcissist. Partner is considered almost a saint in my community and know that l would never be believed if l tried to tell the truth of my situation.. lve never been able to get a job or any education after marriage because my partner would see that as a threat. My partner uses my mental illness as proof that l am incompetent and stupid. l think alot of people feel sorry for him having to put up with someone like me. My community and my family have absolutely no respect for me. lm treated like lm a second class citizen in my own home. The only reason l can write on here is that nobody cares enough about me to monitor what l do online.  Nobody cares about what l think and as long as l stay silent and have no opinions l can read what l like. lm invisible. lm learning how to stay invisible but to stay sane. lm a Quaker and it is a very introspective way of interacting with the world. l listen to people and treat them with respect but am unable to really interact.  It's been a strange life. After escaping parents but before meeting partner l did a double Masters degree in law and psychology. l wanted to be a Criminologist and to help victims like me. Met husband and was conned. He told me very clearly and precisely how l would be murdered if l ever stepped out of line. l haven't stepped out of line because his plan is brilliant.  So here l am. l do have a diagnosis of C-PTSD.  l have talked about my childhood extensively to a psychiatrist.  lm on medication which is beneficial.  lve even had ECT which again was helpful. lve even been to psychiatric hospitals and have learned skills which make my day to day livable. Everyday is a battle though. l am always on a hundred percent alert. If l put a foot wrong or say the wrong thing l could end up dead. l had so many near misses and have no idea how l am even alive. Husband has a massive and vicious temper and am always trying to make everything calm to keep him calm. Its hard work. My anxiety levels have had a massive impact on my health. lm still having surgeries to correct injuries which occurred in childhood. lve had pain issues related to my injuries. l have to massively underplay my injuries because husband thinks they are trivial and does not like hearing me complain.  He is a doctor BTW and is massively controlling with who treats me and what gets done. lve had brilliant treatment but he is always involved. He checked me out of rehab for a shoulder replacement in April saying he would take care of me. He just went off to work and left me at home with my whole arm strapped. Couldn't cook anything or do much at all. l did not manage well at all. But if l had of complained all he'll would have broke loose. l really fear ill health because partner has no empathy and my opinion does not matter to him.  l don't even know why l am writing this because nobody cares and why should they. Nobody has ever thought l was worth saving. Perhaps there is something so unlikeable about me that l deserve this.  l don't think anybody deserves this but what would a nothing like me know.

[Snowie]

Hi @Aoife 

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. No one should live like this, and it certainly is not your fault.

Have you heard of 1800RESPECT? Their number is 1800 737 732 They might b able to help you too.

Please keep posting on here, we are here to support you.

We care 

[Ilovepenguins]

Hi @Aoife,

Firstly, I'd like to welcome you to the Sane forums where you will be respected and valued, heard and supported. Like @Snowie said, we care about you!

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm so sorry to hear about the heart wrenching events you've described and how hard your life has been because of them. You have so much strength to keep pushing through all of that and I'm so glad that you've reached out and connected with us here on the forums today. 

Today is my first day on the forums too, and I feel so blessed that the first post I read was yours. I have a C-PTSD diagnosis as well and I've also experienced living with a narcissistic father and a narcissistic and abusive partner, at one point in my life, both of them together. I remember how completely invalidating, exhausting and isolating it was living with such horrible personalities. 

You mentioned that you don't feel respected by your community and that you're a Quaker, do you live in a small town and are you connected with a spiritual or religious group in your community? I'd love to hear more about this if you'd feel comfortable sharing 😃

[hanami]

Hi @Ilovepenguins !

Lovely to see you on the forums and have you at SANE. Big welcome to you!

Hanami

[Snowie]

Hi @Ilovepenguins 

Welcome to Sane. I hope you find you way around 😁

[Aoife]

l live in the outer suburbs of Melbourne. l have connected on line with Qackers within Australia. l have not attended any meetings because my partner might find that very threatening. Quaker worship is mostly silent though and l my own daily regime that allows for silent and reflective time. l am lucky in that ldo get time alone so work on lots of things to keep me sane and keep in control with my anxiety. Thank you for asking and responding.

[Ilovepenguins]

Hi @Aoife,

I'm so glad to hear that the values of the Quaker's community and beliefs are able to help you quietly reflect in your own time and that you're comfortable connecting with the community online. I really resonate with what you're describing about the worship style and in such a traumatic world, sounds like an amazing way to connect your spirituality with your personal wellbeing.  

I honestly take my hat off to you to be able to live in such fear of your husband every day. I wonder, have you ever reached out or considered reaching out to a domestic violence counsellor before?

I recently used the chat feature on the 1800RESPECT website, which I found much less confronting than actually calling them, and I found that to be super helpful, even if it was just to validate my emotions at the time! Every little bit of support and validation builds your strength 💪 

I really hope you continue to post here with us @Aoife, I'm looking forward to hearing from you again 😀