Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I'm not cranky with you - I have been having days with an upset tummy from the antibiotics and I have to have another course until I have seen the podiatrist - my tummy has been okay today but the weather - bleak - and horrible - August is nearly over and my annus horribilis will be too - I really believe in the power of thought at times

Sorry your if Dad has osteoporosis - my mother had that - or at least it looked as if she did - I think your Dad has probably not had the best diet through life - he's most likely eating better now you are feeding him than he has for a long time - good work Lapses

I have been tested and I am fine but then I have always had a good diet - esp since I have been feeding myself - in fact blood tests proved my calium levels to be high 

I don't know what the weather is like in Sydney - here we had a couple of reasonable days - the back of winter has been broken I think - today though has been so bleak - I stayed in bed reading for a long time today and would have been happy to stay where I was all day but it is necessary to get up before my back starts to complain - weather has such a negative effect on back problems

Have you have your MRI yet - I have been wondering if they found anything - I am really interested in things like that

About your house - I was anxious when you said you were thinking of giving away the proceeds from your house - just having that money in some kind of bank accounts and there are many kinds - can give you a feeling of independence about the future - the time will come when your Dad's house gets sold and the money spread between 6 of you so you will need that money for a place of your own - and yes - I know myself what looks like a lot of money isn't really - a place in the country doesn't measure against a place in the city but still you do need that security for yourself and then in time - for your son

Some kids work hard at cutting the apron strings and some need them cut for them - in my family people tend to move out from home early - my daughter was still in her teens - still - I am close to her even though we don't see each other often and I know your son means a lot to you but is sometime resentful - I know - I call it Prickly Kid Syndrome and my daughter can be prickly

You are worth it Lapses so put yourself first from time to time and take care for your future - maybe it's hard to see at times and I understand this - life does change and right now I know things are hard for you

Things are fine Lapses - I am used to Melbourne weather and wouldn't go elsewhere to live but complain about it - of course - it's a city-wide occupation

I am thinking about planning my trip interstate now - I am not sure exactly when - I need to get my infected and crooked toenail fixed first 

Sending hugs

DecHi Sista

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Owlunar, didn't get notification ofvof your post, just found it 5hrs after. Thank you. I've posted a fair bit on declutter thread today. I'm glad you're not cranky with me. Guess that worry is a powerful echo from my past, and MI stigma and the way my sibs treat me... I seem to upset ppl withoutwithout even trying. 

Dec, you're older now, in life's last season, with poor family support, and the pain of broken marriage and thethe internal heaviness of loosing a child... Much the same. I'm younger but feel older and wonder how you do it without getting suicidal thoughts like me? How is it that your so strongbin spirit? Varying degrees of SI just seems 'normal' to me so presume everyone contemplates it and just don't say.  When you wake every day and have nobody to share the beauty of the world - how are we to feel anything hopeful? How do you actually enjoy those trips away or sunsets alone?  Every day. You seem to. 

Guess its part of depression to not see the good in life, and hope in tomorrow... But givingvit a name doesnt stop it. I just look at the frail and my own limitations and think I can't do this anymore - praying this buyer pulls out if I'm not able to cope. I wish I wasn't alone.

Hope that toe & tummy of yours settles soon. And I'll send down some of these sunny days from Sydney to pick you up. Take care.

Oh, nodding off.

[Former-Member]

Glad to say dad slept through the night, but when I just took in his CUPPA he had his hat on in bed snoring away, hmm. DVA gave an alarm mat so I'm alerted if he goes into the kitchen or puts heater on and basically is at risk. Turns out that last disorientation was a uti so hopefully not gonna be a problem too often.

Mon & Fri the nurse that comes to shower him is grumpy. And she comes earlier than all the others. I finally worked out what the two little bricks by the front door are for - to hold door ajar for them so mum can go back to bed. So now I set my alarm, go do that and take dad a CUPPA and I don't have to interact with grump nurse at all. Gotta make sure all'set up for them though - takes a while to find routine's, mum was too busy mocky my 'don't know how' than giving me a list or showing me the routines. Its been a case of trial and error. The bills worried me most, but fortunately they eventually came in the post to create a folder. Its worried me as last visit here I was driving dads car around unregistered. Was overlooked with all mum was going through, and dads memory loss, sheesh. When I asked Matt where dads Rego papers are, to check, he told the other sibling's I was planning to steal dads car off him... GRR! Gosh they gave me hell when I first came.

Hmm, its 8am and she's not here, the nurse, she wouldn't be if I slept in lol

Is anyone around? Thanks for listening.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I was really seriously depressed before my son died - reactive depression which is different from endogneous depression - I think endogneous depression is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain and reactive depression is caused by outside influences

Anyway - I was not given antidepressants - I had this child at home who needed my attention and I would have short visits in hospital to deal with the exhaustion and migraines so much stress gave me and then went back home to deal with it all again and it was chaos

Toward the end of his life I was so stressed that in spite of my good diet I was very thin and the stress was draining me - then he died and I did think about suicide.

I was serious in my thinking - my parents didn't seem to care but I couldn't put them through what I was going through and my daughter needed me - my then-h was a drain too - I think now he couldn't cope with the situation and withdrew more deeply into himself so I guess when I thought about my options I decided to put the idea of suicide away forever - and it has worked - I have never considered it again but that doesn't mean I didn't have a rough time for a year after he died - after that first year it was easier but it is hard too - taking suicide off the table. It's like closing a door and never going there again - and for a long time now that has not occurred to me,

I think it was with Therapist No. 2 that I realised that my self-esteem had been poor and the therapist was surprised - I thought about and realised that when I had been unhappy with my life I had done something positive - eg - I had been told I had to leave school and dissatisfied with my job alone I studied accountancy. Later in life when as much as I loved my children it wasn't fulfilling enough I started studying at university part time and in between there have been a lot of short courses and it's quite a list of what I have done with my life - voluntary work as well as paid work and I have done so much there were times when I felt as if I was living three lives at once

About your sibs and their behaviour - you are not upsetting them - they are already in the mood to be upset. It seems to me you are the best of the bunch by a long way and they are intensely jealous of your place in the family right now - oh yes - I know how that feels - I think your brother is afraid you will take your Dad's car - I bet you have no intention - you will have some cash of your own when the sale of your house goes through and one thing is that you can buy yourself a decent car and have the registration sorted.

Your sibs are in the mood to be upset - they can hardly wait and really - my mother was always upset about something and I know I couldn't do that - she was already upset - I told her that much once and she hit the roof and told me I had caused that outburst and I would walk away and stay away and yes - this hurt - but in reality we can't affect the moods of other people - they choose that for themself and generally - they - my mother - your sibs - other people in the world - choose being upset and blame other people and this is hard for you because you have had it for your whole life

I can tell you it's really hard to walk away from family - it's very lonely - maybe this is when I learned to be okay alone - I worked out my decisions and didn't need my parents to approve what I was doing and thinking back - as tough as it was I did the right thing for my son and for myself - and yes

How do I enjoy my life when I have no one to share it with? I do though - I have a lot of things in my life to enjoy. In my teens my family of 6 lived in a two-bedroom house and there was no privacy and I did have the dining-room with the huge dining-room table to myself unless there were visitors. I had so many hobbies. I was also often unhappy and I would hide behind the garage if the weather wasn't too cold and did this to keep away from the carping of my mother - and I would ride my bike for miles until I was totally exhausted - but it was okay - I was alone and enjoyed stuff I would never have found in an over-crowded house with 6 people over 3 generations

So - really - I don't know if most or many people have SI or not - I really don't know what normal is if there is any definition but it's okay to be alone.

I hope you can find that - remember your sibs are a grouchy lot and are in the mood to pick holes in what you are doing with no idea what you are doing and couldn't do it - don't even try to make them happy because they are no in the mood. Your mother scarred all of you in one way or another and this is very sad and I am really sorry about this

You are not making me cranky in any way and I understand why you ask - I get it so it's okay to ask - it's really hard to deal with insecurity because that tends to feed on itself - so you are okay in my book and welcome in my life

I see you

I have had another yukky morning with these antibiotics - I am thoroughly sick and tired of taking them and I need to make an appointment with the podiatrist - the infection seems to have settled down and I can see how the hook in the nail is there clearly now - I will be so glad to have this fixed and over with

My Dad had this problem and I was texting with my daughter yesterday and she has inherited this too

So anyway - last night I was thinking about my holiday with my computer - I am still trying to  find out about airports being regional or international so I need to speak to an agent and might do that soon - I will be going soon anyway crook toe or not

I talk to my cat a lot - I wonder if having a pet that I really love makes a difference - from what I read other people do too - I don't think you are in love with your mother's cat but I remember Claypan - 

Just an idea

Dec

[Shaz51]

Hugs @Former-Member 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51, how's ya mum? I'll come over your thread xox
@Owlunar, thank you for your heartfelt lost. Glad were good. Reactive depression after loss of a love on is probably all part of the grief process.

I was very depressed just before / when my girl died. Can't help but wonder if it (MI / me) contributed. Do you ever think that? Wonder if we were more on top of things we would have saw it coming / intervened. Its a horrible burden to carry.

Yep you're strong. Always an independent thinker by the sound of it. And stubborn / determined when needed - which I would think comes in handy for survival.

Dads senior nurse was here today, she always comes unannounced. She'd forgotten he has diagnosed mod dementia 😕 yet agreed he needs "24hr care". I'd say supervision but she's thinking more on the physical 😕 This is where family is better - because we have one to keep up with. So much for the gerontologist report I ave her last time that she took photo of.

Oh, gotta get A/T for dad. Catch ya later xox

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

There is no way your depression had any role in your daughter's death - and no way you could foreseen what would happen and no way you could have intervened. It had nothing to do with your depression. All of this was in God's hands and his plan.

We are allowed to question the plan - after all we have suffered from it - for years I battled with this - why did God have to test my faith when he already knew it was strong - but one beautiful Sunday morning - Christmas Eve actually - I was driving and realised it was not that God needed to know my faith but rather I did and in the years since I have always had that faith and it will not fail because of all the testing.

You are coming to it - I just know this because you love God and your faith is always with you and no one can take it away from you and your son has tried - I know it upsets you but it doesn't change your faith

Regardless - my son was into SI, SH and SA and I could see what was going to happen. Actually at the time I had no idea what SI was and I can't tell you how his SI presented but you can look that up - and I had no idea why he SI'd either but the SA was obvious and so I could see this but how does one intervene? I couldn't - back then no one was listening to me and even now all these years later I know that there are people bound to take their own life and it's really sad. Still we can't tell who or when.

And I was depressed for a long time before he died - as a small child he was really uncontrollable and I have to have a laugh at some of the things Dr Phil has to say about children like my son - and other people know too - there's nothing - destructive and self-destructive children are suffering deep inside and you know they say it takes a village - and people pull away from such situations

So please don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for your girl's death. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't my fault my son died. Our children died and we will not know this side why we were chosen to be the mothers of children who died - and I guess both of us will live the rest of our lives being sad about it and why not?

I understand Lapses - I really do - and I guess this is one thing about living longer - we learned to sort it out and I get it that you have depression - I have had it too but after my son died I had to grieve seriously for a long time and then I still have times for it

After all - there is a time for everything - a time to grieve and a time to put grief aside and as time passes your time to grieve will be less and your times when you put your grief aside will increase

And you will be okay - your mother died a few months ago and your poor old dad is having it better than he ever did - truly - and your sibs are a cranky lot and if I could give you anything it would be to give you the skills to ignore them - they have been enabled in the past and you are not into enabling them but this is hard cause like my TS they are into whining or controlling and wanting things the way they were and I know you are there for your Dad

And this is tough - I know

Yes - I am an independent thinker - as my maternal grandmother had a big hand in my upbringing and came from Northern Irish Stock I think I am a lot like her. She and my mother fought like cats and I remember when I realiseld what I had learned from my mother was her work ethic, her thrift and most of all - I had learned what not to be. It's not easy to be independent in a family of control freaks but here I am - 

You are unsure of yourself Lapses - I know this and I understand and I am always here for you - and think of you a lot

Tuesday hugs are special cause it's not Monday today 🙂

Dec

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sounds like that grrr-ex of yours was “gaslighting” you @Former-Member ...... it’s a classic form of emotional abuse designed to make you feel insecure, unsure of yourself, unable to function independently, and under his control.

“ when he can't explain why he was 4hrs late for dinner”

“why he had a meal with a church lady while I was waiting at home for him”

Blaming it on your "insecurity" when you got upset ......  I wonder how upset he would have been if you were 4 hours late for a dinner he prepared, with no explanation .... or if you were out to lunch with a guy from church while he was waiting for ou at home ......

And I wonder whether he has tried this sort of crap out on his new relationship or whether he would get his tooshie fried for it ....

This behaviour is deigned to confuse you.

 It’s emotional abuse and it has affected you right through to the age you are now, but you are learning to shake it off @Former-Member ..... keep swimming ..... ❣️

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, what would I do without you guys. I gotta walk. Feel nauseated from the pain f the last 3hrs taking dad out, buying him a wheel walker for in the househouse, played some bills, dropped off blister pack scripts, put dinner on and grocery shopping 😞  

I did buy some quality joggers recently so maybe it won't cause so much pain. 

This is my post they took down because I told how much weight I lost.

Thanks @Dec, I never knew being "unsure of myself" or "insecure" was bad / too needy for most people. My x hubby often chided me about it, especially when he can't explain why he was 4hrs late for dinner, or why he had a meal with a church lady while I was waiting at home for him. I didn't like it (with his history) but apparently my "insecurity" was the real issue. This confuses me. But still, yes, I fear what people think and can do to me. Can't help it, but getting there. Who would have thought at this age I wouldn't have this part of me together. 

This AM the SI kicked in again when daddad had a fall. I couldn't lift him so rang bro4 to come help lift. He did but wouldn't stay for CUPPA and gave me his bank details to deposit money (story therethere but just a grazed knee). But my thoughtsthoughts, sheesh - I am heavier than dad, and so ashamed & embarrassed of my excess flesh, and I don't want to put nurses throughthrough all this when my body/legs fail me. And the stigma - I've heard what they say in tearooms. Why can't i ever lose weight  such a failure... , Did lose a fith of my body weight when my girl died, oh no - here comes a flashback . It stacked back on with the heavy antidepressants att. 😞ugg I'm so tired, and it all felts too hard sometimes. Poor dad, he gets an element of dignity being a war vet. But the whole process frightens me, I so relate to the famous actor RobWilliams - only a few years older than me. 

Am I done? Sorry to be negative.

Tear up like a 4yo at the thought of having to go for walks, how stupid hey

[Faith-and-Hope]

U am out for a while tonight @Former-Member ...,, will look in on you when I get home.

💜