Lived Experience Forum

[Techunique]

Hello All,

I just joined, honestly I am an American, didn't see that the forums were australian until after I had registered, but I am schizoaffective, hope that is enough of a qualifier.

I'm feeling pretty low down, I had a huge fight with my mom today because she has a tendency to often point out to me that "it's ok (I'm) Just menatlly ill" which always just reminds me that, yeah, I'm going to be this way for as long as I am in this particular body, perhaps longer, I don't know if madness transcends the physical plane. I finally worked up the courage to tell her that it really messes me up when she does that and it just totally fell apart. She told me it could get better, and I responded that I was going to always be schizoaffective.

This is where it got lonely she replied "You don't know that that is true." which is where the argument began, she refuses to see (although she is my biggest advocate and has done wonders and changed her perception mightily for me) that no matter what therapy or medication I am on, this affects my whole life. I don't just mean that it will affect me the whole time I'm alive, I mean that there is not one shred or speck of my life that is not utterly engrossed in the struggle for my sanity. She doesn't see how it affects my ability to do anything from finding a girl friend to sitting by myself and listening to music. I'm a madman when I'm screaming at doctors and throwing stuff in a hospital, but I'm also a madman when we laugh and joke at breakfast. There was a me before the madness, there is a me in the madness, but there will never be a me after the madness. Even if you stopped the voices, the people who do not exist that I can see with my waking eyes, the delusions, anxiety, existential dread, paranoia and took away ever last bit of the unhealthiness effecting me, I could not return to a sane person. I would always be able to remember the sinister times when I was trying to conduct a normal conversation with violent ideations desperately trying to overwhelm my ability to listen in well enough to smile and nod at the right times. It's so surreal to me that, yes, there are people who stand in solidarity with me, but no, no one is with me. They stand in solidarity out there beyond the borders of insanity together, I'm here in the darkness alone. Even you reading this right now could have the same diagnosis, but we don't have even a remarkably similar experience in all probability. You have your terrible voices, hallucinations and delusions that are based on your experience and personality, custom tailored madness, and I have mine. They have different Jobs and Cars, We have different entire universes. I know a man who occasionally believes he is Attila the Hun, I know a woman who hears voices that only tell her jokes, we are all insane but there is nothing associating what's going wrong in our brains but the Word insane. There are some recurrent themes certainly but really, every mad person is so much more alone than anyone with a healthy mind could understand. If you have a healthy mind you can talk about your problems openly and without shame or fear. If you have a healthy mind, someone will hear those problems and even if they cant help, there is probably someone in their life who can say "ouch, I've been there." I know that there is a different style of guilt and shame that stops that in healthy people too but at least they geet a damn chance! I want that.

Anyway I ended up being so hurt by my mom's inability to understand that there was no road back that I shut myself in my room and just stared at the cieling for about nine hours, trying not to think, trying not to see things that aren't there, trying to remember who I was going to be before all this started. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do myself harm, or harm anyone else by doing myself harm, but I can't conscience a lifetime of madness. I don't know how I've gotten this far, and honestly, I don't know if i want to go any further and so I'm just sorta stuck. Obviously I should mention that I am not suicidal, I am not even contemplating suicide, it's more like wishing I were never born. I don't want to get out, I want to have never come in but since I am in I don't see any point in going out now. I just could really use some inspiration. An "I understand what you are going through" might be nice and I just can't find that anywhere so I joined this forum in hopes that you all might be able to give me some advice.

[TheVorticon]

Hi @Techunique. I don't have much good to say, but I'm also feeling particularly lonely at the moment so wanted to thank you for making a thread. I hear you, even though I don't know how to help.

[Techunique]

It's good to be heard. I suppose if anyone knew how to help there wouldn't still be a feeling like this. Thanks for responding

[Lunar]

Hello @Techunique

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you 🙂 thank you for sharing some of your experiences, it seems like you have a lot of questions and curious as to whether others are going through a smiliar thing, there are some other members who have threads discussing similar symptoms that you might like to read through:

@Queenie started a great thread called 'Oh no not again! Schizoeffective disorder ramblings.'

There is also a great thread by @wiggumy2 called 'Duel Diagnosis: Bipolar type 1 (and/or Schizoeffective) + Addiction' that might be worth reading through.

It is good that are you reaching out for extra support at the moment as well as sharing your experiences for others to read and for them to not feel as alone either. I look forward to getting to know you better.

Lunar

[utopia]

@Techunique - we are not just our MENTAL illness. We are in there and mental illness is a part of our life. There will be periods of so called 'normality'. This is also you. Please don't forget who you are.

[Techunique]

I agree, there certainly are humongous parts of me that are not the mental illness, what I meant was that even the parts of me that don't actually touch my illness, they are effected by it, say romance for instance, I still am capable of the love I was capable of before the onset, but now who I date, their reaction to my mental illness and many other factors stand in the pall of my madness' shadow.