Lived Experience Forum

[Neelix]

I lost it today. It all overwhelmed me. Coming back from the pyschologist and being home. I let loose on the house. I slammed doors. I yelled. I think I said every swear word I know. I had 3 drinks of bourbon. I wasn't drunk but it did heightened my anger. I think if the perpetrators who hurt me were in front of me I would have 'clocked' them. I am suppose to be working towards understanding my trauma and hearing voices. I just got so angry .......I learned the word 'disassociation' belongs to me, the word 'grooming' is part of my trauma. I knew the words I ...just...like...it overwhelmed me. I dont feel better for 'losing' it...I feel numb again...

[Teej]

Hi @Neelix,
Sorry you had such an emotion fuelled day. Perhaps being so angry is part of the process too. For me personally when I came in contact with the word 'grooming' it bought about anger for me for the first time (I had repressed it)......but eventually it bought release and relief as I processed it all. It hasn't meant it has gone away, but for me it's just not as raw.
Go gently on you, it's all small steps towards recovery. Best wishes. 💐

[Techunique]

I feel your pain, grooming is a big word for me too. It's really weird how everyone I know has at one point told me they "lost it" but none of them know that "it" isn't temper for me, "it" is just the control I keep on my raw emotion and reactions. So many people think they understand, they think they've "gone a little crazy" but not one of them knows crap about what crazy is! I sadly discovered about a decade ago that while life isn't a destination but a journey, madness is a destination. Once you go, you can't really come back. There is no "little" crazy, only the "little" glimpse people get of how I truly am all day every day since I was little more than a child. Sorry for the gloomy rant, I didn't sleep last night. Some things in life we just have to let go, or they hurt us worse, We hurt us worse, trying to hold onto them. sometimes getting really excessively angry and screaming and smashing stuff is more productive than crying, or talking or holding onto our self-control. I just wish that it was more widely understood so that I wouldn't have to feel so bad when it happens in public.

[Neelix]

Cheers @Teej you are right. There will be release and relief soon. I will try to go gentle on me , thank you. All the best to you too .

[Neelix]

Thanks for sharing @Techunique. I don't feel alone now after your comment and @Teej response. I hope you are both okay

[Techunique]

OK is a relative term, but I'm relatively OK 🙂

[utopia]

@Neelix. You have every right to slam doors and swear. It can help to release some of the anger or fear or anxiety you feel.
The trick, which is hard, is to try not to let it consume you.