Lived Experience Forum

[motherlode]

So, I don't really know how to start this off or if I am going about it the correct way, but I just want to dive in here and get this off my chest because I know this is a space to talk about hard things and I definitely have issues that will not go away. 

I walk around this earth, I see people I know, they greet me with a "Hey, how are you?" and I always reply the same way "fine thanks." Fine? I'm not fine, far from it. Last night I pretended I was asleep and when my partner effortlessly dozed off next to me within minutes I watched for a moment the rhythmic breathing of utter peace, a peace that has escaped me since I was so very young. 

I noted how easy it seemed for him to doze off and when he rolled over to reach out for me and hold me in his arms I cringed at his touch. 

I don't know why I do this, I have never really liked being held, I like to hold others but a panic takes over when someone holds me. "Is my stomach hanging out too far?" "Do I seem wide to him?" "Am I thin the way a woman should be?" "Shutup" the other side of my brain argues back. "Be grateful anyone wants to hold a used up body like yours" Yes, I have had children and my body is not what it used to be. Finding love after a fallout with anyone after children is something my mind has never let me forget about myself and so I lay there seemingly outwardly frozen while my mind lists the 100 things I didn't do today and the things I did do I didn't do well enough. I wait until he has rolled back over and then I roll onto my back staring into the blackness of the room, waiting for sleep to take me. I look over at the lap top on my bedside table and realize 3 hours has passed, it's 2:AM and sleep seems miles away. My mind has not yet finished punishing me for not being good enough, fit enough, strong enough to overcome my own torture of myself. Somewhere in between "why are you like this?" and "you can  be anyone and this is who you choose to be? Pathetic." I finally feel tired enough to allow my eyes to close. 

8:AM and my children are beating on my bedroom door puzzled as to why I couldn't get myself awake and attending to them. The first feeling I wake up with is guilt. They're already awake and here I am still tired and wishing I could have just a little bit longer to piece my thoughts together and collect myself to feel like I can get through another day. I drag myself out of bed and on 5-4 hours of sleep I shuffle my way into the kitchen and begin preparing their breakfast. The days are much kinder in my head, I acheive one task after another and drink coffee to keep me alive. But I don't move around much. I like to sit still, I like to be left as alone as possible because I am like a bear with a sore head on a continuous loop of dealing with my two loud children fighting and just trying to get through the day. Occasionally and by occasionally I mean very rarely perhaps someone will come to visit me. As much as I enjoy the effort after being left alone for so long I cannot help but be waiting for them to up and leave again. If I go out I want to go back home again. I never want to be anywhere except the corner of the lounge in my loungeroom and yet every night my brain has other ideas. "You're so lazy, why can't you get up, get out and enjoy yourself?" "You wonder why you have no one because you never want to do anything" "You're boring" If only I had the answers to these questions. Every night I make a deal with myself that I will go out, that I will try harder, that I will do better. The days roll around and day time me is no where near as hard on me as night time me is. "It doesn't matter whether you go out or not, as long as everyone is fed and taken care of that's more than enough" "Don't be so hard on yourself, it's not the end of the world if you relax today" But I don't relax. I can't. 

I have been on this constant loop of hating and validating my behaviour for so long I don't even know what the heck to do with myself anymore. It is also the reason behind two very close and near successful suicide attempts. I just don't belong anywhere. I have tried so hard to find purpose and meaning in this world, but I cannot shake off how utterly disgusted I am in myself and the world around me. I have attempted friendships that end for no reason. Because people think that having a relationship through social media is enough. Face to face interaction is not important. I crave it but I don't want it from anyone I don't feel close to. I can't get close to my own family because of my issues, I can't ever get a break from my 24/7 job as Mum because of my issues, I can't explain how I feel to anyone because I see how their eyes glaze over because they stop listening.

So I lighten the situation and finish by saying "but really I'm fine anyway" I don't know what the point in living this life is if I can't function in it. I wanted to be so much more, I want to help people just like me one day because I know how painful it is to constantly feel on the verge of tears and you have no reason why, a lump in your throat that refuses to go down, a panic when you walk into a crowded room, an inability to be a part of a group. 

This is not the life I signed up for, yet here I am, stuck in it. 

[Queenie]

Hey, @motherlode and welcome to the forums. Firstly, well done on posting here. Be rest assured I am sure you are amongst like-minded people who also struggle with day to day life and also the built-up internal pressure (I can sense that in your post, so I hope you don't mind me calling it that) that being a partner and a parent can cause. 

Like you, I do not like being touched physically, yet crave real interpersonal relationships away from social media. I can say according to Facebook, I am very 'popular' but in reality, I only have a handful of people I'd call friends. 

It seems like you have a lot of distress surrounding these negative somewhat intrusive thoughts. I can relate to that niggling thought constantly telling me "I am not good enough". Even though I am in recovery from mental health issues, I still have that feeling of being an 'inferior product' somehow. It is something I've talked about openly in therapy with my psychologist many times. I am wondering, do you see a psychologist or counsellor at all? 

[utopia]

@motherlode . What a hard time you have been giving yourself. So much negative self talk. I've been there with my depression and anxiety - where I say things to myself - really awful things - that I wouldn't say to any other person.
Do you have a diagnosis of depression and anxiety? Do you have a psychologist or counselor that you can talk to about all of this? You can ask your gp for a referral.
I find talking with my psychologist really helpful in changing my thought pattern - especially by doing Mindfulness or Meditation exercises. Although they do take practice to learn the techniques - they really help me to quiet my mind. To turn off so much negative self talk. And yes, nighttime when we are meant to be sleeping, is when our brains go into overdrive.
But by talking to your gp and explaining what'sgoing on and ggetting a referral, you will be on your way to feeling so much better.

[motherlode]

Thankyou, and no, unfortunately I don't see anyone about my mental health issues. I do my best to manage in whatever way I can, but just recently I have been starting to feel the sensation of treading water overcoming me once again and this frightens me as I am extremely self aware, I know this will be a spiraling downwards point for me and I am hoping that I can find the solution to attain some sense of belief in myself to push my way through it. This isn't where I want to be, it's so easy for some people to just get out of their head, to tell me I need to try a new habit or way of thinking and I understand this, but a habit like this is very hard to break, no matter how unwanted this habit may be. I am most definitely my worst critic and reading through how I feel about myself makes me very upset as I would never speak to anyone else the way I talk to myself. 

[utopia]

@motherlode. Yes it takes time to develop a habit and it takes time to change that habit to something healthier. It's not easy at all, but it is doable.
For me with my depression, I take medication and I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist diagnosed me and has worked out which anti depressants work best for me and the right dose.
My psychologist pushes me to question my negative self talk. He gets me to focus on now rather than worrying about the future.
And breathing exercises help me keep calm when my anxiety starts rising.
This is purely what helps me. Other members here will have other things that help them.
Hopefully taking a few minutes out of your day for quiet meditative time, can help you.