Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

So this is my story (Sorry a long one)

My name is Nell, 39, Married with two children, 12 and 9.

For the last 16 years I have been a secondary school teacher working in challenging schools with students having high rates of trauma themselves. For the last 6 years, I have been working directly with students that come to school with a bucket load of problems. Used to be daily on the phone to DHHS or child protection so it seemed.

So there have been lots of incidents that I have had to deal with at work from drug overdoses, racial fights, gang conflicts, suicide attempts and many more. And yes, this is the students I am talking about. 

About 3 months ago I had to physically stop a student from committing suicide. Well that took me over the edge. Started having panic attacks, anxiety and flashbacks of that and other things that had happened at work. Ended up taking time off work and still on work cover now.

From this however, a past trauma from my childhood that I had locked away for a long time then came to the surface. This casued severe anxiety issues, panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares and self harm.

So I am now seeing a psychologist weekly and my psychologist has made me book into seeing a psychiatrist which I see in October.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and PTSD. I am just beginning this journey and am trying to navigate my way through all of this mess as well as trying to deal with work cover. Thank go I am in the Education Union!

Some days are ok, some days are crap. Some days all I do is manage to get the kids to school and thats it. Some days I need to take it hour by hour and if i can get out of bed than thats a win.

So that is my journey so far and it really has just begun. I know I have a long way to go until I am back to my normal self, but I guess the question I ask myself is, what is normal?

[Zoe7]

Hiya @Former-Member and firstly - welcome to the forum. I have seen you interacting with some wonderful members on other threads already and you were encouraged to start a thread to tell your story - which you have done here. This shows courage and strength already 

There are a few teachers on the forum - myself one of them. My 'situation' is not too different from yours -except what 'sent me over the edge'. I am a trained Secondary teacher however have taught in primary school now for nearly 15 years. I too worked with similar children when at Secondary School - in a specialised program. When I moved to Primary school I was asked to do a support role for 6 months which included disengaged or excluded kids from several schools. I loved the work but funding meant it was only for that short time (always comes down to money!)

I then moved back into the classroom and those diengaged kids were given to me - year after year. There were several incidents of being physically hit, kicked, things thrown etc. but I pretty much took it all in my stride (a bit easier to do when the kids are younger). 

Around this time last year I was spat on by a student, and this was a student I really jad a lot of time for. It was only the second time in all those years - with all the kids I had dealt with - that I was really rattled. Maybe it was a combination that affected me so much or I was already feeling unwell - not entirely sure. A week after that I was so sick that when I visited my GP she called an ambulance immediately and sent me straight to hospital. As it turned out - I had 2 strands of the flu and was virtually bed-bound for the next few weeks. This was the first time I had ever had so much time off work and not be able to do anything - so the depression escalated.

It soon progressed to major depression, severe anxiety and complex PTSD (from several traumas). I have now been off work for 12 months this week - I would never in my wildest dreams have expected this. I was seeing a psychologist but I was re-traumatised in a session and had a complete breakdown again after that - and haven't been back (GP and psychiatrist won't allow it as yet as I am still not well enough to even try - I totally agree). 

I am lucky enough to have the support of the HR manager and my Principal to take all the time I need and when I am ready/well enough to start re-integrating back into work then we will all sort out a plan to do so. I am nowhere near ready and still struggle every day to find a way to survive. It is a very hard road but the saving grace for me has infact been this forum, this amazing community filled with caring, compassionate and thoughtful people who share our experiences, understand our struggles and support each other through whatever is happening for us. There is truly nowhere like it (that I have found anyway). It is amazing how close you can become to strangers online - but we do form close bonds and we do care for each other - and that is GOLD.

I hope by me sharing some of my story with you that you can feel that you are not alone and that you certainly have come to the right place for support and to be amongst people who not only understand but also will listen and support you.

Again - welcome to the forum - and keep connecting!

Zoe 

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the reply

It is good to connect to other teachers. My husband isn't a teacher so doesn't understand a lot of what i am going through. All he says is quit, but it's not that easy. It won't undo what I have been through.

It is great that you have your schools support. Unfortunately I have not been that lucky. I have not heard from my principal in al of this. He does not rate staff wellbeing as of importance. When the last major incident happened at work where I had to physically stop a student from committing suicide, we were told to meet after school, given a piece of paper with EAP info on it and said contact them. He has also told staff on many occassions that the 3 counsellors we have at school are for the students and not the staff.  After this incident I went anyway and spoke to one of them about not coping. He knew before I went on work cover I wasn't coping and not once did he come and see how I was going.

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member and welcome. Thanks for sharing what you have of your story. Writing it down and putting it out there can be a really hard thing to.

I can only imagine how hard it was to work in that environment. I feel sad thinking of the struggles and challenges that so many young people face, and sad thinking that teachers (who are so valuable) aren't always being supported to work with young people. So tough 😞

I hope you find it helpful being here on the forum. I am a mum living with PTSD, depression and anxiety too, and being here has definitely helped me feel more connected, less alone on my journey, and less completely, totally 'mad' (that question of what's normal got me for ages). I get how some days are ok and some days are so far from ok as well (lots of us do).

I'm wondering whether you have any interests or hobbies you enjoy and what they might be (if you would like to share)? The community is so diverse, there will almost certainly be people who share similar interests to chat with if you'd like.

Looking forward to seeing you around some more hopefully. Nice to 'meet' you 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @CheerBear, thanks for your reply

I am hoping by being on this forum I cannot find people who I can relate to and who can understand what I am going through without explaining myself again and again. I now give people in my life the "I'm ok or I'm fine" response and put on a fake smile. It is so much easier to do that than tell them how I am really feeling or going. They don't understand what I go through everyday.

I used to enjoy reading a lot, playing netball and teaching calisthenics. These days I don't have much motivation  to do any of those things but I am hoping with time this might change.

The last few days have definitely been hour by hour😔

Nell

[CheerBear]

Hi again @Former-Member

I definitely relate to what you said about the "I'm ok, I'm fine" fake smile response. I call it my 3pm hat. I think a big part of how destructive this 'stuff' (PTSD) can be, is in the way it can impact our ability to connect with people. I too feel like so many people have no idea what I am going through, which then makes me wonder whether I have any idea what they're going through too, and it's shattered my desire to connect with people on a day to day basis. For the people who do have some idea of what's happened, I feel like sometimes they kind of look at me as if they don't know what to say or do too, and it gets awkward and weird. It seems frustrating for all of us and it's fractured the few relationships that what caused the trauma in the first place, didn't destroy. It can feel like punishment on top of punishment.

I think that's part of why I enjoy being on the forum. I feel like I don't have to wear my "I'm ok hat" here and that there are people who get it without me needing to explain it. I don't feel as much of a desire to be 'understood' in my relationships beyond the forum now, as I accept that there are some people who just don't, or don't want to, or can't 'get it'. I think sometimes it makes it easier for me to exist in the world outside of the forum, because I don't seek this deepee level of understanding where it just isn't around. I also have hope and a belief that there are people out there who can 'get it', and it will be a matter of finding them if I want to.

As for the things you enjoy, they will still be there when you're more able to and wanting to do them again. Maybe they're on hold for a little while as you focus on getting through.

Hour by hour can be really hard and frustrating, but it's also a good way to get through when you need too (sometimes the only way). It can feel overwhelming and too much any other way than moment by moment sometimes.

I'm heading out for the day now but wanted to send you big hugs if you're a forum 'hugger' (some people aren't), before I go. I hope there is something good or comforting in this hour for you Nell.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing your story! I'm a teacher too and have experienced many of the things you have, i work in a school where trauma backgrounds in kids are expected. We have a new arrival program for refugee children which is both amazing to see and sad to know and hear from these babies mouths what they've seen and been through. I worked in Indigenous Communities which was also both amazing but incredibly difficult as well and several incidents that occured there still leave me very scared to think over.

Working in schools is increasingly hard, last year i was told by a child's team that they were too severe to work with on their issues and that I needed to provide a 'therapeutic environment' at school... the pressure on teachers to be everything and provide for every childs complex individual needs is immense.

I had a ... breakdown... in 2015 and ended up taking the whole year off (though it really wasnt because of work, seperated from a not so nice marriage and court stuf etc). But since going back i feel as though i've struggled to cope with the anxiety that work brings more and more and finding it difficult to reconcile.

I have also had a lot of childhood trauma that i've struggled to 'deal with' and find a way to move on from. I used to completely bury myself in study (before my year off i had done my masters/research projects and been involved in extra curricular stuff even while on maternity leave) and work to block out everything else but i've not had the concentration or motivation somehow to do that anymore... 

I just realised this is all about me... sorry! 

I think right now it sounds as though you are so low and exhausted from what you've been through that your body is just saying enough... if that means you need to rest and not be able to get much done right now... so be it (says me...). Having a psychiatrist on board might help too, with balancing out madication if you need/want it. And continuing to work on achievable goals for recovery with your psychologist. I'm glad that you have work cover but have heard from others here that that can be a stress in and of itself! Hopefully that will not be too hard in your case...

As to what is normal lol.. i think that is the million dollar question here 🙂 I have tried to ask myself what do I want normal to be for me? i want to be happy - at least some of the time, i want to be able to cope with the everyday life knocks and bumps better, and i want to be free of the control that ptsd has over me... but it also seems a lot to ask! 

I hope you find the forums helpful @Former-Member and hope that i havent overshared in your space! sorry again!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

In no way have you overshared in my space! It is good to know that there are people out there that have had similar experiences to me and that I can relate too. Makes this whole journey a little bit less lonely.

The last few days have been really hard. I spoke to a crisis person on line the other night and later that night the police turned up at my door asking for me. They had rung and said I was suicidal even though I had let them know that I didn't have any thoughts of that. My husband lost it at me and now thinks I am going to do something to myself when that was never the case. He has now gone all 'wierd' on me and is struggling more and more to understand what I am going through. To make it worse, my psychologist has gone on holidays for two weeks so feel more alone in this than ever before.

I has made me scared now to reach out for help and am now afraid that if I get to the point of needing extra support, that I won't reach out again and just keep it bottled up inside of me. 

Sorry if this is too much, just needed to get it out!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Reach out here @Former-Member .... anytime, day or night .....

We have a thread called Night Shift where our night owls tend to hang out, but it means it is also a place to drop in for some company when you are having trouble sleeping.

And you don't need to tak about anything specific ..... sometimes just having the general chat happening is like a warm hug from people who understand that you are here because you are going through a very hard time ..... and the dry humour is something very precious ..... they will often give you at least a smirk, if not ROFL .....

💜

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the crisis line/police - its disappointing that it happened...
But glad that you have been able to reach out here!