Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @CheerBear
I'm hearing how difficult this is and how much you hurt. I can relate to having been through events that just alter everything and leave this lasting impact. Sitting with you.

[Teej]

maybe just for now it's ok not to remember @CheerBear. Maybe it's ok to know that you feel sad and overwhelmed by this day and that's ok because it is a sad and overwhelming day. 

Sending hugs 💜🤗💐

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning Forum Land,

Today is Halloween. That means it is also the day my mother died and the day my already almost non-existent family finally disintegrated into oblivion. It's a good thing my mother died on such a memorable date otherwise I would never remember the date of her death, unlike the dates that each of my animals died - those dates are burned into my soul forever.

My mother died from a stroke in 2004. I was 27 years old and she was 69 years old. She had the stroke exactly seven days before she died. I got a phonecall from the hospital to say that I needed to come immediately, and thus I made the ninety minute drive down the highway. I remember feeling the most immense sense of relief. It was happening, it was really happening. Finally, I would be free! I remember stopping off for McDonald's on the way and vaguely wondering about whether other people stop for dinner on the way to their dying parent.

Anyway, my mum didn't die that night. As I said, she died a week later. And wow, what a week that was. I've never told anyone except for Fred what happened between me and my siblings during that week. All I've ever told anyone is that it was so bizarre and so absurd, it was like I was living in an episode from Home and Away or something. I will tell you this though, it was during that week that I decided that if I was ever lying on my deathbed in hospital, my siblings were the last two people on earth who I would want anywhere near me.

My relationship with my mother was extremely unhealthy when I was young. By the time she died, I had not loved her for many years. However, I knew that I had only one chance to navigate the situation of her death and I was determined that I would get it right so that I would not have to live with any regret. For that reason, I stayed by her bedside for the week that she was dying. I told her I loved her and that all was well between us.

On the morning of the 31st of October, 2004, I left her bedside and went to buy some breakfast. As I was returning to my mother's room, a nurse came out. She looked at me and I said, "my mum just died didn't she." The nurse said yes and asked if I would like to go in and spend time with her body. I responded with "yeah, I'd like to do that, but I might just eat my breakfast first." Then I went into the nearby tv room in the hospital and ate my breakfast in front of the TV.

After I had finished my breakfast, I went back into my mother's room. She was dead now. I had done what was right. I had ensured that she died believing that I loved her and that all was well between us. Now that she was dead, I could tell her lifeless body that I had lied. Nothing was right and it never ever would be.

While I was still in the room with my mother's body, my sister arrived. We were only in the room together for a few minutes before it all went amazingly arse-up. Nurses appeared and my sister ranted to them about how completely insane I was. A nurse took me to the hospital chapel and said they would send someone to provide some support. But you know how hospitals are, things get busy and things get forgotten. So I waited, and waited, and waited. After about two hours, I went back to the nurses station to ask if someone was coming. The nurse looked confused, clearly there had been a miscommunication or something and I had been forgotten. I asked the nurse if my mother's body was still in the room. No, it had been removed. Neither of my siblings were still at the hospital. I don't remember what the nurse said to me next. I just remember saying to her, "I have lost my entire family today," and then I walked away. I heard the nurse burst into tears behind me. I didn't look back. Goodness knows what my siblings had said about me during those hours that I was sitting in the hospital chapel. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was finally free.

I went and sat in my car for a while and called Fred. Then I set off for home. I stopped off at the kennels where I had left (M) for the week, and we went home to start our new, completely-family-free, life together. It felt SO good! I was free!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is the thirteenth anniversary of my mother's death and the day my family finally disintegrated into oblivion. Today is a great day!

@Rockpool @Lunar @Pebbles @Lauz

[Phoenix_Rising]

Today is the 9th of November, 2017. That means it is one year since I took my perfect beautiful cat (C) to the vet and held him while the vet helped him to make safe passage across the Rainbow Bridge. Who would have thought then, that I would go through exactly the same ritual with (P) eleven months later.

My soul has died now. I knew then that my attachment system was almost totally destroyed. It broke a little more last Monday. Even if I do by some miracle manage to find therapist take-thirteen, I don't think there is anything left to try and heal now. I don't even think my attachment system is so much broken now, as evaporated. There's simply nothing left to heal. There is only so much loss that the human soul can bear. I recognise that I have now crossed that threshold and my soul has evaporated.

I don't feel anything. I haven't been able to bond with my remaining cat (S). We have both been working on it since (P) crossed the Rainbow Bridge a month ago, but it simply isn't there. (M), (C), (P) and I have a bond that (S) simply isn't a part of. I simply cannot connect with another living being anymore. My attachment system has evaporated. There is nothing left to heal.

Everywhere I turn, the message is the same - we can't cope with you. I am good at boundaries, I can do boundaries, SO LONG AS THEY DON'T CHANGE. I don't understand what is hard to understand about that, but apparently it is incomprehensible to the vast majority of the human population. The thing I need most in the whole wide world is stability and consistency...and it seems that this is the one thing I can never get.

(M), (C) and (P) were 100% consistent throughout their entire time with me on this Earth. They never changed. They never said one thing one day, only to turn around the next day and tell me they'd never said it. They were perfectly, totally consistent.

I just want to be alone now. It is safer being alone, than trying to make sense of a world that simply does not make sense to me. Why do people keep saying one thing one day, and another thing the next day? Why do I constantly get the "oops sorry, I made a mistake" line? Don't people realise that I'm not a computer? There is no button in my brain that lets me do a re-set to an earlier point in time before the oopsie happened. Every oopsie, every "sorry, I'm only human," every "everybody makes mistakes," has burned a hole in my attachment system such that now it has entirely evaporated. There is nothing left within me. Nothing and no one feels safe...except for a melted snowflakey banana head of a carebear and a pesky love-heart tossing butterfly, who seem to have slipped through a tiny crack in my shell. But I don't trust even them. No one stays, everybody leaves.

I miss you SO MUCH (C). I miss you and (M) and (P). We are a family, we stay together. And yet, you are there and I am here. There is no one HERE. And I can see that realistically, there isn't ever going to be anyone here. I recognise that I am sinking back into who I was as a child, living in my own little world. And I am ok with that, except for the minor little detail of having to deal with grown up things, most of which seem to revolve around money.

I miss you (C). This day last year was so so SO hard. You and I navigated the day alone, just like (P) and I navigated his bridge crossing alone only 4 weeks ago. We did it together - you and me. We are a family, we stay together. And the mere inconvenience of death can never change that. I love you (C).

@Rockpool @suzanne @Lunar @Pebbles @Lauz

[girl99]

@Phoenix_Rising

I wanted to say hello and to say I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time lately and in your life.  I really relate to a lot of what you write about. I was reading your posts about your mother dying and how you wanted to make things right with her before she died so that you wouldn't have any regrets.  I feel the same about my mother. I can't stand her but I am civil because I don't want to be made out to be the bad one.  But then sometimes I think maybe she deserves to know how horrid she is.  Why do we protect people from the truth - well our 'truth' as we know it to be?

I'm sorry about your beloved animals passing onto the next world.  My dog passed away a few years ago and I still haven't gotten over the shock of it.  It is so sad our beautiful animals don't seem to live as long as we do.  They are better than any human.  

Hugs to you @Phoenix_Rising

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you for your kind words @girl99. It is certainly very difficult that our critters have such short lifespans relative to us. I never thought I would go so long without owning a dog, but five years on from helping M make safe passage across the Rainbow Bridge, I know I don't want another dog - I simply want him.

With respect to navigating the situation with your mother, I definitely hear how difficult it is. In my situation, I made it extremely clear to my mum in the years before her death how I truly felt about her. It was only during that week between when she had the stroke and when she died, that I chose to lie and let her die thinking that all was forgiven. There were lots of times over the preceding years where I spoke to her in a way that I felt bad about and apologised for afterwards. I guess that is why in that week, I knew I needed to get it right because there would be no future opportunity to say sorry for anything I regretted saying.

It is definitely very very tricky @girl99.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Today it is exactly one year and one week since I held C while the vet helped him to make safe passage across the Rainbow Bridge. That means that today it is exactly one year since therapist-take-seven told me that she couldn't keep working with me because she couldn't cope with me. I saw her weekly for about five months. Every week, we started the session the same way:

Me: Are you going to go away?

Her: No.

We were not a good match. As the weeks went by, it was increasingly apparent to both of us that we were not a good match. But there was nobody else, and she was the seventh therapist I'd had in 2016. My brain was SO fried from therapist shopping.

Anyway, one week after C died, N thought it was a good time to tell me she couldn't do this anymore. I did not cope well (to say the least). On this day a year ago, N repeatedly assured me that she would stay until we found someone else. She assured me that she would help me to find someone. None of that turned out to be true...but that is a story for a couple of weeks time.

This is the story of therapist-take-seven. My brain was broken then. A year on, I am trying to find therapist-take-thirteen. My brain is so so so SO much more broken now.

@Rockpool @suzanne @Lunar @Pebbles (ps. I tagged all of you guys into my previous post on this thread a week ago. I know you guys are superly duperly busy, but it would mean a super lot to me if at least one of you acknowledged it).

[Lunar]

Hello @Phoenix_Rising

I'm really sorry to hear about the anniversary of C and you helping them with the safe journey across rainbow bridge, a tough time for you as you are so very close 😞 there is a lot going on with searching for therapist-take-thirteen too on top of that, so I can see how your brain feels broken at the moment. Take care of yourself today okay.

[girl99]

@Phoenix_Rising

Sorry to hear about your fur babies. That's tough that you have had so many therapists and none of them have helped you.  My psychologist basically dumped me by cancelling my appointments and not returning my calls, so I got the hint and I now have a new psychologist. It is still early days yet, so I can't really comment. I feel I don't really have a lot of choice. She talks a lot and doesn't really let me speak much, which frustrates me, but it's nice for me to get out of the house every month or so, particularly as I am so isolated. 

It's a horrible feeling to trust someone and have them let you down. And if this happens many times it really makes you doubt people in general.  I think it is a huge betrayal for a psychologist to stop seeing a client (unless the client has been violent or something extreme like that), and more than that, they are supposed to be 'professionals' so they are actually very UNprofessional if they cannot do their jobs!  

With any type of therapist, trust is the most important thing and when you have been let down so much, it's really hard to build up that trust again.  @Phoenix_Rising I hope you can find a psychologist/counsellor/therapist who is the right match for you.  I've heard a few people say that counsellors were better for them than a psychologist, and some people prefer their psychiatrist.  I guess it's just about trying to find someone who is the best for you.  I'm still looking too!

[Former-Member]

I hope you don’t mind if I post this here, Phoenix_Rising (but please tell me if you do and I’ll delete it).

I’m not looking for a response, I just need to let some of this out before it (and everything else) drowns me.

Today marks sixteen years since my dad passed away. He was 47. We (and he) found out he was sick and a week later he was gone. Cancer is a nasty business.

We weren’t close. My dad was definitely more of an absence than a presence when I was a kid. I took over his role, supporting my mother and my siblings, while he was anywhere but at home. But in the last year or so of his life, he was really stepping up. My brother and sister were living with him and they were all really close. He was finally being a dad. And then he was gone.

The hardest thing was watching it tear my little brother apart. He had just turned 16. For the first time in his life he had a dad, he had a parent who cared about him, and then suddenly he didn’t. It destroyed him.

An absolute mess followed my father’s passing—a storm that lasted a very long time, the aftershocks still being felt now. I tried my best to minimise the damage. I tried my best to be the parent, to keep everyone safe. I never was good enough, and this situation was no different.

It should have been me. They needed their dad, not their make-shift, would-be big-sister-parent. It should have been me and maybe then everyone would be okay. 🙁