Lived Experience Forum

[d1925]

The charge is a forgery charge and it is a six month sentence main problem I have is she will see her mom in jail clothes and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating I have a daughter who is 15 and she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment. Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? They have a good relationship.

Main problem I have is She will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit She will see other inmates and women behind bars The guards could be intimidating Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. Interestingly they have a good relationship

my wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea

since even I find it intimidating I can't see how a 15 year old would not

[Pebbles]

Hi @d1925

Welcome to the forums 🙂 I see this is your first post. I hope you find the forums a useful place to visit. 

From your information in your post it sounds like it is important for both your wife and daughter and that they are both happy for this happen. I can appreciate what a tough situation this puts in and that you are left questioning what to do. I imagaine being guided by your daughters hopes and what she wants is important to keep in mind. Talking to your daughter about your concerns for her visiting and spending time speaking about what she might see, hear and experience at the jail could help you both make a decision that feels well informed by both sides. Sharing your experience of visiting your wife in jail may be useful too. 

If you are interested in popping over to the 'Introduce yourself here' thread this can be found here and is a good place to introduce yourself and get to know others. There you can let us know:

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Welcome 🙂

[utopia]

@d1925. Welcome.
From what I have read - or the way I read your post - your concerns / fears are more related to your own emotions. Not to say that you don't have fears for your dtr. You clearly do. But she doesn't appear to have the concerns that you do. Maybe because to her - it really is as simple as seeing her mum. And it's not important to her what her mum is wearing or where she is. I think this is quite a mature attitude your daughter has.
Is your daughter normally mature like this? Does she think about issues and looks at the bright side - the positives? That would be good.
As a parent, we know more and therefore have more concerns about the world. And part of parenting is trying to protect our children as much as we can, while also letting them grow as individuals. It can be a juggling act at times.
Your daughter already knows that her mum is in jail. You have had honest discussions with her. That is wonderful. Keep that open communication going.
I think it sounds like your dtr is mature enough to deal with this. But, you are her parent. If you need some further guidance on this - why not speak to a psychologist. You and your dtr could both speak to the therapist. Maybe this might help you with your decision.
Please be mindful that you don't put your fears onto your dtr. But express your concerns with her clearly. Then listen to what she says.

[complexity]

@d1925 Hi 🙂  Could I also suggest that it would be very important to Mum to see her daughter too - though perhaps discuss/check that Mum's comfortable with this. Maintaining meaningful relationships & contact with family and friends while in prison is extremely important !!

[Former-Member]

Hi @d1925 - i've worked with quite a few kids who had a parent in jail over the years. I've found that those kids who were able to keep a relationship with the parent behind bars, with regular visits and some phone calls seemed happier and felt more in control or understood the situation better than kids who just had a parent suddenly disappear, though some of the kids were also better off not having contact with violent parents too... The kids i work with are younger and i actually havent heard any child describe a visit as being scary or worrying because of where it is, theyve always just been very focussed on their parent and have reported having a good time etc. I think jails must be getting more sensitive and accomodating of the needs of outside relationships which then in turn help rehabilitatation..? But im definitely not an expert and can hear your worries...