Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I have talked a lot about my "relationship" breakdown, but I haven't told you EXACTLY what happened.

The reason is, it revolves around an affair. Cheating is such an emotionally charged topic that I'm concerned how people would feel if I discussed it. It's such a complex topic that it doesn't make sense to debate it in the public forum.

I haven't told my doctor, either. I plan on giving her a 700-word recount of what happened, so she has an understanding of how unique the situation is, and what I'm going through.

The problem is, she's been married for thirty years. I'm concerned that her personal feelings about cheating might affect her judgement in supporting me through it. That would be really upsetting, because it's going to be tough to find another doctor quite as good as she is with mental illness.

At one point, someone at my work sought out to embarrass the guy involved. Me and my friend were pretty angry about it at the time, because it made the situation so much harder... but later we both understood.

She's a wife too, and being cheated on is a very real fear for her. She was just reflecting her own anger.

The girl I loved works in my area. My doctor promised never to treat us both at the same time. I'm going to ask her whether she's ever visited her shop as a customer, because that might be a conflict of interest concern too.

Am I overthinking it, and what level of trust should you have in your professionals when it comes to conflict of interest? They are very human after all 😅.

[chibam]

@Former-MemberI'm wrestling whether to be honest or reassuring with this post. Please forgive me for being honest.

IME, a helper's values when it comes to relationships has an enormous bearing on how your treatment will play out - especially if it revolves around relationship matters.

My therapist had atrocious values when it came to relationships and it's done me no end of dammage; particularly in terms of brainwashing me into believing that all women are either prostitutes or gold-diggers. It completely robs you of all hope of ever having a meaningful relationship - or happiness - when your perceptions are distorted like that. You come to believe that a woman worth being around just doesn't exist at all.

I know your situation is quite differant to that, but I'm just trying to illustrate the impact that a therapist/helper's relationship values can have on the treatment. So, yeah, I suspect that your doctor's values will be quite relevant.

Maybe you could test the waters with her before you fully disclose yourself? Ask her what her feelings are about certain sorts of situations?

[AussieRecharger]

@Former-Member 

Your doctor is human, but they will also be aware of professional boundaries and definitely should be putting their internal biases to the side while they treat you.

We all have reasons for making the decisions we did, including the bad decisions and while we can control our actions, we cannot control the conseqences. 

You don't have to disclose the details but you can disclose how it affects you.  Due to external influences, my partner gave me reasons to develop trust issues and consequently I feel it is hard to let my guard down to trust again.  

After all, your doctor is treating the symptoms of what happened as a result of the affair and not what happened at that point in time. 

I hope that helps.  

[SapioMan]

Hi @Former-Member,

I've read your post a number of times. I keep getting stuck at the point where you are concerned about the opions of your Doctor. I do presume you mean you GP.  Yes GP's do have different values but they are supposed to abide by a code of ethics and their dealing's with the patient is not meant to be influenced by internal biases they have. I can guarantee you that you aren't the first patient to bring up 'cheating'.

The only caveat is if the Doctor is blinded by confirmation biases. Confirmation bias, the tendency to process information by looking for, or interpreting, information that is consistent with one's existing beliefs. If that has happened then the Doctor has lost their professional objective view.

What tangible benefit do you feel you will get from writing a 700 word essay on the extramartial affair? Do you expect to change the Doctor's views on the topic? Or could you be trying to partially justify the actions to yourself?

The second question is not meant to be harsh but you might find the 700 word essay be more useful  to add to a daily or weekly journal. Journalling our thoughts, feelings, emotions and activities is a great way to learn about ourselves and particularly out own mental health issues. Some of us find it harrd tow work out our triggers and to identify warning signs that we are becoming unwell. Journalling can help with these things.

Good luck 😊😊😊

[Former-Member]

Because I work with her so closely, I just think it's important for her to know.

I was initially talking about the situation in general, but then I started talking about specific complications, and I feel like at this point I might as well tell her.

I had to condense it into seven hundred words because our appointments are only max twenty minutes long, and I thought I did a good job of that.

It will also help to get her thoughts on it. I have had people, who don't understand the situation, tell me that I can't expect anything from her, or I have no right to be upset, since we were never together et cetera. It's more complicated than that. 

I think it's important to ask, though, and I appreciate your support. 

@SapioMan .