Lived Experience Forum

[GlossyHygrocybe]

Hey guys. I'm currently experiencing grief that is giving my really bad heart pain. I've been loosely diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and I cycle through emotions very rapidly all the time. Sometimes it's slow and sometimes it's fast like right now. I've been crying then laughing then wanting to scream and it feels like my blood is aching. I can't listen to songs I like or do things I like to do because it gives me anxiety to feel joy or pleasure because I truly feel like I don't deserve it after I let myself sink into that bad place I was in. Everything makes me afraid. I am terrified constantly and full of violent rage and want to come off as big bad boss bitch so I just come off as arrogant which is not ideal. I lost the friend who meant the most to me because I took all of these feelings out on him and relied on him 24/7 because I didn't have anyone else and it hurt him so much. I've worked a lot on myself and I'm glad to say I could never see myself being abusive like that again but honestly I feel like I've burnt out. I feel like I'm nearly dead and now I'm just trying to keep up appearances for other people. I don't even feel suicidal it's like I am literally a husk and every happiness is just a passing moment in a large sea of questionable experiences without any sort of language to describe them even though I want to be able to and this constant pressure to evolve faster and to show my old friends they could love me again is slowly killing me I am in my mid twenties and I feel so so old.  The shock of how everything is so warped and wrong makes my throat burn and my chest tighten. I have ruined my own life without my old friend, who has felt like my heart and the only person I've ever met who understands what I'm actually trying to say. I am on fire and not in a good way. I am literally in hell. This is possibly what I deserve after giving into my emotions and letting them loose. I just want to love myself again and feel hope again. Without him I don't see a point. I thought I understood heartbreak until I realised how badly I had treated the only person I have ever truly cared about in full.

I can't be around my new friends I do not like them I do not like anyone who isn't him and I am so angry at myself for letting my brain rot and wasting my potential to forge new connections and love. If you read this far kudos. Point is I don't know how to move on and let go of the past. I have never been able to even since I was little. Everything is happening all the time and nothing is ever quiet. Even on my medication. 

[Former-Member]

Hello GlossyHygrocybe,

The following are quotes I have taken from one of Thich Nhat Hanh's books that have been a great source of comfort for me in times of emotional storms. I hope this in some small way helps:

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We are riding a horse, we don't know where we are going, and we can't stop. The horse is our suffering pulling us along, and we are powerless. We are always running, and it has become a habit. We struggle all the time, even during our sleep. We are at war within ourselves, and we can easily start a war with others.

We have to learn the art of stopping — stopping our thinking, our habit energies, our forgetfulness, the strong emotions that rule us.

We need the energy of mindfulness to recognize and be present with our suffering in order to stop this course of destruction. With mindfulness, we have the capacity to recognize the suffering every time it manifests. "Hello, my suffering, I know you are there!"

If we just smile to it, it will lose much of its strength. Mindfulness is the energy that allows us to recognize our suffering and prevent it from dominating us. Our suffering is us, and we need to treat it with kindness and nonviolence. We need to embrace our fear, hatred, anguish, and anger.

My dear suffering, I know you are there. I am here for you, and I will take care of you." We stop running from our pain. With all our courage and tenderness, we recognize, acknowledge, and identify it.

Everyone wants to be happy, and there is a strong energy in us pushing us toward what we think will make us happy. But we may suffer a lot because of this. We need the insight that position, revenge, wealth, fame, or possessions are, more often than not, obstacles to our happiness.

We need to cultivate the wish to be free of these things so we can enjoy the wonders of life that are always available — the blue sky, the trees, our beautiful children. After three months or six months of mindful sitting, mindful walking, and mindful looking, a deep vision of reality arises in us, and the capacity of being there, enjoying life in the present moment, liberates us from all impulses and brings us real happiness.

May you have all the happiness you deserve,

M

[GlossyHygrocybe]

Thank you for this.

[oceangirl]

Welcome to the forum @GlossyHygrocybe 

If you type @ a dropbox will appear and you can tag members  or alternatively you can type @ and type in members name too. The member get notification of your post and they can respond to you.

Thank you for sharing part of story and being so open and honest. I hope you can find a way forward. Perhaps read up and find stratgies to help you move forward and to let go of things. I don't think you are alone in the way you perceive and hold onto things. Start off small and build on it. 

I hope to see you in the forum.

[Zoe7]

It is hard losing someone in any circumstance @GlossyHygrocybe and takes time to work through. What stuck out most for me reading your post is the self awareness you have. You may have done things in this friendship that you now regret but you also are very aware of these, have learnt from it and want to be better. Being in that numbing state yet still having extremes of emotions is super hard. There is a part of you that wants to feel but when you do it is overwhelming (no matter the emotion). Very much hearing how hard it is for you at present but also know from experience that loss is all encompassing and although you see no point or hope at the moment, you can work through it. Happy to listen and more than happy to be a sounding board if you need. This community is a great one for that and there will be no judgement nor blame attributed to anyone. Welcome to the forum