Lived Experience Forum

[ImInSpirals]

In late April this year I got engaged to my girlfriend of 2 long years, we were happy we had stresses like everyone does, hers were more than mine. I helped her move away from her abusive family and in with what I call my second family. But when June/july came around she decided to break me, cut me out of her life completly, from my veiw I Don't know what I did or why she made this decsion. Its been 3 months now and I still feel like the day she broke my heart but I still love her and want to speak to her everyday, I don't know if I should message her and if so what would I say.   

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @ImInSpirals 

It sounds like she could have been dealing with a lot of change and still trying to figure who she is. Has she told you that she no longer wants you in her life?  If she has told you that she does not want you to contact her, i would respect her wishes.  

If not, you would be fine to send a message but only when you don't have the expectations that things might change.  It sounds a bit like Forest Gump and Jenny, but some people who have experienced a life of Trauma take a while to understand who people are in life that is good for them.

[jsm74]

I don't know if it helps to know this, but I'm in the same situation.  My wife quite suddenly wants to separate after 8 years of what I thought was a very healthy marriage.  There were no fights or anything like that; she is just feeling overwhelmed by stress.  Ironically, her decision to do this is introducing an entirely new level of stress for both of us.  She keeps saying she needs 'time and space' and has recently started seeing a therapist, so what I have been trying to do is what I have always tried to do:  let her know that she is loved and supported, even if she can't return that love right now.  This is particularly hard to do when my own head is constantly barraged by worry and anxiety (along with my own issues with depression), most of the time to the point that I find it difficult to function, but at least I can say that my approach to the situation is consistent with the feelings I have always expressed for her.

What I guess you need to decide is whether contacting her would be a threat to your own mental health, as having a message go unanswered can start a whole new cycle of anxiety if you have expectations.  It probably also depends on what you want to say and why you want to say it.  Whatever force was powerful enough for her to cut off someone who loves her is not going to go away easily, so any attempts to pursuade her to come back will likely backfire.  However, at least in my case, the act of simply letting my wife know that I love and support her and encouraging her to get help has at least helped me to feel like I have done what I can.  I'm not saying you should do this, as I don't know the situation, but I feel it has been the right approach for me.

It might not be a bad idea for you to take advantage of the assistance that is available for mental health (starting with your GP) and do some therapy yourself.  You have no control over her decisions, but you do have control over your own well-being.  You can't be there for her (or your next relationship) if this situation takes too much of a toll on your self-esteem, so make sure that you are kind and caring with yourself.

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @ImInSpirals 

Sorry to hear of the situation you have been through. I know it is extremely difficult when you have had your heart broken. What could you do to take your mind in things even just for a while?