Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

So ,

the last few weeks have been really stressful and l havent been in contact with support personal as l have been hiding from everyone around me . 

Its not the best way to deal when you cannot deal.

So l hurt myself again and l was thinking of the outcome l wanted and l stopped but not before causing harm.

I am not making excuses and l just need to validate that l am hurting myself because of the pain and suffering but mostly the dissapointment l have from being let down and ignored. 

Its not a good place to be in when you need to talk but pride and stubbornness stops you and you are left hurting more .

Telling people you need space is fine but when you are just lying to yourself.

I dont want to be helped anymore , or saved .

I am just tired and had enough...

I am safe tonite and will just sleep it off , the anxieties and stress 

Its late Goodnight 

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @Former-Member ,

I hear you are hurting. I know you are hurting.

I wish I could tell your pain to 'go away', but I know it didn't work that way.

I want you to know that I hear you and I'm sitting with you.

I also trust you will take the necessary precautions in relation to your SH. If you need crisis support, please refer to the crisis numbers.

Hugs, BPDSurvivor 

[Former-Member]

Thank you @BPDSurvivor 

I took care of SH wound and will tend to it in the next few days . 

Its so exhausting but l dont know sometimes .. 

[Anastasia]

Hi @Former-Member 

Sorry you're struggling. I hear you. I'm glad you are safe. Distraction is helpful. Talking on here too hopefully? 

Stay safe, you matter x

[periwinklepixie]

I really hear you on this @Former-Member 

I often find myself so frustrated at myself for isolating myself. I think sometimes I convince myself I'm not deserving of love and supports. But the thing is, I am. And so are you. Even if you donn't feel that way right now. 🙂 

Self-harm is a much more complicated thing than most people give it credit for. It sounds like you found the best way possible you had of coping in that moment with your resources. So I hope you can be compassionate with yourself and know that whilst you may feel disappointed you self-harmed, it in no way reflects on you as a person. 

Hope today is a less heavy day, 
-periwinklepixie 

[Owen45]

Thanks for sharing, I can identify.  Relapses, being ignored, isolated, depression and anxiety.

[Anastasia]

Hello @Former-Member 

Just popping in to ask how you are today? 

Rough night last night in my house so feeling vulnerable and thinking that you possible are too?

Sending strength and virtual hugs your way 🤜🤛

[LostAngel]

hello @Former-Member feeling isolated is definetly something I relate to also pride and stubborness of getting help your right that can stop us from getting help we need ,hope your doing better today,must say that sleeping it off has been a way for me to cope with things,especialy this year,please take care of you the best you can and know that there are many on here who understand and care about what happens stay safe your never alone ok sending lots of strength and calmness your way

[Former-Member]

Hello @Anastasia 

I am okay today ,  l am staying safe because l watched the opening to the movie Hide and Seek with Robert De Niro and the opening scene was very confronting and its the moment the daughter looks and sees what the mum has done . 

I think about my 6 year old daughter finding me in the same situation and it saddens me.

HOW can l do that but in those moments l think of no one but my suffering .

[Former-Member]

Hello @periwinklepixie 

Yes l think l am not capable of being loved as l have been told l am difficult and frustrating . 

I feel bad as l have a 6 year old daughter and all she wants to do is grow up to become a doctor so she can make me better.

l have self harmed to punish myself from being hurt by others . 

You are right its so complicated and others dont understand why you would do that to one self.

I am weak and l am falling apart . I see and feel it falling from underneath me and l cannot stop.

I had a hot bath to destress myself and my daughter sat with me the whole time , non stop talking wouldnt leave me alone. I will take care of you she said . She hugs me but sometimes l feel empty .

Like the emotions to love is gone .

Miss L wanted popcorn so she could watch Bluey so l have done that for her and she is happy .

Just going to put a movie on to forget my troubles at least for 2 hours or so .