Lived Experience Forum

[frog]

I'm really sorry @jsm74 

There's a lot of painful stuff to work through, practical and grief.

Thinking of you today.

[jsm74]

Thanks, I need all the positive energy I can get.  My (ex?)wife will be coming home later to talk more about what she wants to do, but I'm thinking it won't be good, based on how things have gone thus far.  I'm broken inside, but will still have to put on a brave face for her or things will get even worse (if that's possible).  My hands are shaking uncontrolably, so it'll still be clear how shattered I am, which is a worry.

Also starting back at work this week (but still online from home).  I teach at a university, but putting on my usual act of enthusiasm is exhausting enough when things are good, so I'm not sure how I'll do it this week.  I'm so exhausted after 4 weeks of nearly constant panic attacks.  

[jsm74]

So my wife and I have talked and I can't say I gained a lot of insight into what is actually going on, but what I do now know is that when she says she still loves me (but it's different), what she actually means is that she loves the memory of me, or the position I held in her life (or something to that effect), not me.  She didn't even want to kiss goodnight, despite the fact that the first thing she did when she got home yesterday was kiss me.  That was pretty crushing.  I know I shouldn't take it personally, as she is just feeling generally bad and isn't feeling much of anything good, but it's impossible not to feel rejected.  Really not sure how to handle this, but I guess all I can do is accept it and try to avoid her without it seeming like I'm avoiding her (as I don't want her to add rejection to her already extensive list of bad feelings)?

[jsm74]

In this kind of situation, where her low self-esteem and anxiety are precisely the problem, does it make sense for me to end things based on the impacts on me (my self-esteem and anxiety)?  I've never felt more expendible and rejected in my life, so I know this "wait and see whether I actually still love you" situation is bad for my mental health, but I feel like not only will explicitly ending things not really help me, but could also be very damaging.  She also implicitly rejects any effort I make at supporting her now, so I don't know what else to do other than just leave her alone.