Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

does anyone else get triggered by past memories of horrible things that happened to you? How do you deal with it? 

I just stumbled upon some stuff I did like art work from when I was younger and very very not ok like I was not safe and I was very very out of it and things were really not ok and it isn’t like I am blaming myself for it but I am more scared that it will happen again and something bad will happen because of it. 

‘This next part could be a little triggering but I will try and keep within guidelines of course. 

I well at the time I did these artworks I was not sleeping because I was hearing voices all the time telling me to hurt myself and other people and telling me my family had been replaced by evil lookalikes who were secretly conspiring to hurt me with the other people I also thought were in on it all and this all got so bad and they were putting stuff in my head and I was hearing angels from the devil and I thought I had to do what they said and they kept telling me I had to hurt someone and I had even made plans and this is very unlike me I never even want to hurt a fly and I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I felt like I had too and anyway this was all very very scary at the time and there was a lot more going on which I can’t talk about on here but I am just scared that that could happen again and I am also hurt because I was like 14 at the time and hurting and scared and confused and no one was listening to me and I couldn’t even trust many people but I just kept being dismissed and ignored and I feel like I just if I could go back and give myself a hug and say that I was listening and that I believe my younger self but I can’t and it still hurts idk where I am going with this maybe I just needed to let this out. 

[chibam]

Hi @Eden1919 .

I don't have a lot of experiance with the sort of thing your talking about. I often find myself upset by memories of the past, but I can't say it's to the extent that your describing. And it's usually more a sense of remorse over my own conduct at the time rather then reactions to what I endured.

I find that the discomfort just tends to pass on it's own. But I think a large part of why I don't (usually) have extreme or lengthy reactions is that I'm ever-mindful that the past is the past. I can't go back and change anything, so there's no point on fretting about it or dwelling upon it. I think that knowledge makes it much easier to move my focus back to currant concerns.

[Eden1919]

@chibam  Thanks for your response. I guess I do try and treat the past as the past but I am also always concerned that history will repeat itself because it has happened to me before where things have happened again and I have been treated badly again so it is like I now have a constant vigilance about these things because I am scared any minute things will come crashing down and start all over again as they have before. I don’t know how to let go of something when the threat has a very real chance of coming again. 😕 

[NatureLover]

Oh @Eden1919 , I really feel for you 😞

Can you tell your psychologist? I know you don't trust them 😞

[Eden1919]

@NatureLover  I could try talking to my psychologist about it but I don’t see them until the end of the week. Also idk what they could do to help I mean idk what anyone can do to be fair I know I have to somehow deal with this but it is just so hard when I don’t feel like I can make myself safe from the threat of things happening like that again. 

[Sleepy_Catcoon]

Hey @Eden1919 I'm sorry you were triggered finding the artworks you made when you were younger 😞 It really sucks when we look back and see our past self in pain and there were things people could have done to help, or like had we known about stuff, things might have felt different? And like sometimes past hurt doesn't heal like we think it should?

I'm really glad you want to give your younger self a hug and tell them you're listening 🙂 That shows you believe you deserved support even though it sounds like the world was telling you otherwise?

I don't know how helpful this is but I tried a thing where I sort of visualised my older self talking to my younger self at a time that was really tough and at first I was really angry at young me but then I eventually gave her a hug and told her she wasn't alone? And somehow this made the past hurt seem slightly easier? I think this was called imagery re-scripting or something like that? (but I'm not entirely sure)

Do you think something like that could be helpful?

Also I can kind of relate to being triggered by memories of when I was younger. There was a time when I was younger and really sick and I needed help but when I asked my parents they said it was for attention and then I sort of started becoming really disconnected and started thinking people weren't real and my parents weren't my parents? Like more from a derealisation type of place but yeah. And I also did some things I really regret (like losing my temper) which I worry about happening now. But it sounds like you only planned to hurt people because of the things you were hearing and seeing and you didn't hurt anyone? Am I reading that right? Even if you did hurt someone, it sounds like things were very intense and you were really struggling? I don't blame you for being scared even if you didn't hurt anyone but planned to 😞 It can be really upsetting and frightening that we were at such a place and it's understandable that you're afraid you might go back there. It sounds like there's a lot more to it but yeah from what you've said it makes sense to be scared and upset

I'm hearing you're worried it will happen again? Because you still have those experiences where you think people are trying to hurt you? And you're still having experiences where you are dismissed and ignored by people who are meant to help? It would make sense to worry about that and I mean it's possible but like then again it's possible for everyone to hurt someone. It sounds like you would never want to hurt someone and the fact this scares you so much tells me it's very very unlikely you ever would. I mean it's probably less likely than your average person because it's something you're so worried about? And it sounds like you would have fought for and gained more support and skills as you have grown up so could those be protective factors?

Sorry for the essay response! 😬 Are you feeling a bit less triggered today?

[Eden1919]

@Sleepy_Catcoon  Yeah I am feeling a little less triggered today. it is true i have grown and gained some skills to deal with this stuff and so in some ways i guess i should be more confident in myself and my ability to not hurt anyone. i guess though i just cant be confident that others will treat me any better and i know i cant control what others do but i dont know how to properly protect myself from their actions yet. i mean as for some of what happened more recently that was similar i am still suffering from nightmares from how i was treated and often find myself having flashbacks about events that happened to me at the hands of those who were meant to help and this is a year later i should feel safer but i dont and it is tearing me up inside and i cant seem to stop it no matter what i do. my friend keeps joking that i have ptsd from it and sometimes i wonder if they are right. 

anyway thanks for the reply i guess in some ways now i am used to dealing with the seeing and hearing stuff because it has been so long but the bad memories stuff is another ball game it seems. 

[Sleepy_Catcoon]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit less triggered today @Eden1919 🙂 That makes sense, there will always be people who treat us badly in life 😞 And I don't think anyone can completely protect themselves from others' actions. Some things really just aren't right and it makes sense to be upset and angered by them 😞 I'm so sorry about what happened to you 😞 It's even worse when it's from people who are supposed to help us because often it's where we're at our most vulnerable 😞 I don't blame you for still haven't nightmares and flashbacks, it sounds like it must have been very traumatic. There's no sort of right way you should feel or time period that you should feel safer, though I appreciate it's probably quite frustrating and distressing that this is still going on?

PTSD can happen from a lot of things so it is definitely possible- I think it can happen from any event where we feel like we're going to die or be seriously harmed or violated? Or even from hearing about someone else's experiences I think. I'm not sure what the experience was exactly but it does sound very traumatic. And even if you don't have ptsd it sounds like you could still use some support and you're still having flashbacks and nightmares? Have you talked with your supports about this?

Also can I ask how you feel about your friend joking about having ptsd? Sometimes jokes can be hurtful that's why I ask

[Eden1919]

@Sleepy_Catcoon  thanks, the joke wasnt an offensive joke the friend who made it has severe PTSD themselves so it was fine. it just makes me think like maybe this stuff that happened was more damaging to me than i thought at first. 

[Sleepy_Catcoon]

Oh that's good it wasn't offensive @Eden1919! 🙂 Sometimes humour can be a way of coping with stuff haha. It sounds like it could have been yeah, sometimes we can minimise our own experiences