Lived Experience Forum

[Carasmatic]

Ohhh heyyyy,

So thought I would just share my thoughts that I can’t share with the rest of the world as judgement and pity isn’t what I’m looking for. 

also I’m new here you can refer to me as Carasmatic 😊 I’m a 36 yr old female, her, them/they whatever you choose I’m easy. I’m just not a him. Please do comment whatever you want I want to get to know other like minded people always open to advice love a deep chat. 

so long story short I got diagnosed with perinatal depression then the psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder with onset auditory hallucinations they have put me on meds for schizophrenia.

That was nearly 2 years ago.

my symptoms were (/are - will explain later)

paranoia - thought I was being watched all the time, thought it was my partner then his mum then my friends then some dark evil cult that get off on terrorising people for there own enjoyment. I went on a roller coaster of who it was that I thought was watching 

auditory hallucinations- so once I heard my sister and dad talking but apart from that it was always 2 guys and 1 female and what they were doing was just criticising everything I did every decision I would make

mood swings - (still happen) so once a month before the monthly is due I have uncontrollable mood swings that I take out on my partner of 10 years like I’m a teenage girl I say horrible things to him that I know will hurt him and I absolutely hate myself for it but it’s like I have no control it all just comes out and I can’t stop. He’s hasn’t been a perfect angel in the past but it’s still no excuse to treat him like this! I know that!

anxiety - where to begin, I honestly have to work myself up to leave the house going to the super market is a big deal catching up with friends going out for meals ya know just the usual anxiety symptoms walking into a place to catch up with someone and not knowing where they are sitting is probably my biggest one so annoying 

depression - manic depression depressed about my living situation my job what I’ve done with my life about myself alot of self hatred.

I self sabotage a lot too… I can never finish anything I start, can’t remember a thing, thee worst memory ever, have zero motivation, past history of meth abuse and genetically screwed as my mum was in a mental hospital for awhile when I was about 2 she thought she could turn lights on and off and hear peoples thoughts etc anyways… apparently that increased my chances of getting some type of mental health diagnosis. 

all of this is me but when I’m with my son he’s my focus he makes me happy he keeps me sane he’s my distraction. ❤️ I’ve never felt love like this before ❤️

sorry sidetracked there uhmmm what was I talking about shizzzz…?

oh yeah so that’s my mental state dunno if I do have schizophrenia though but the meds they have me on were working like a treat until lately that’s where my conundrum has come into play. 

I’ve just come to the realisation that because I’ve been starting to cut down on my meds (approved by my dr) my symptoms have started to return I’m hearing the voices again 😞 so now I’m at the realisation that maybe i don’t have  what i was diagnosed with and maybe it is schizophrenia and it’s permanent. That scares me only cause I was lead to believe my perinatal depression was the cause of this all and now it’s been 2 years and it’s still there then maybe I’ve done some permanent damage to my brain. 

I know it’s not the end of the world or anything but it’s a lot to take in and accept that I’ll be on meds for the rest of my life. 

for the record I honestly think the voices are real even though I know they are not! even if someone proved to me they weren’t there I wouldn’t believe it till they were actually gone cause I can definitely hear them…. If that makes sense. 

anyway nice to meet you all hopefully this chat will continue and I’ll make some new friends 

[Friendlyflutter]

Hi @Carasmatic Thank you for sharing your story with us, it does seem like there is a lot going on. 

Diagnosis can be tricky sometimes, hoping your doctor and you are able to figure out the best support for you. 

Happy to hear that you have a baby that you love so much. 

[Appleblossom]

@Carasmatic 

Hello and congrats on your Bub and being a mum.

There is still a lot of debate about symptoms and diagnosis and medication.  

There are hearing voices networks. I’d post links etc but not on this device.

I would encourage a view towards “therapy” being important rather than only labels and meds. They may be necessary but are unlikely to be the whole answer. 

Glad you feel the love for your child. Work on that and expand. I do hope your family appreciate you.

welcome to the forum 

[defaultusername]

Hi @Carasmatic,

Thank you very much for sharing and welcome to the forum, it's lovely to meet you! 🙂

Something that really stands out for me is how self-aware you are, and that you have a really deep understanding of yourself and your mental health. Which I really respect and am in awe of.

I can completely understand how tricky and dangerous potential misdiagnosis can be and how difficult and exhausting finding the right balance of treatments, therapy, and medication can be.

That's beautiful that you have your son to shower with love, I'm sure he's a very lucky bub.

And regarding what @Appleblossom mentioned, I found this online Hearing Voices Support Group with the Mental Health Foundation Australia (MHFA), which may be worth checking out.

• https://supportgroup.mhfa.org.au/hearing-voices-support-group

And there is also this Australian Hearing Voices Network Facebook Group, if you're interested.

Please know that you're not alone and that we're all here to help support one another as best we can.

Take care and wishing you all the best,

defaultusername

[Carasmatic]

Thank you xx

[Carasmatic]

@Appleblossom thank you for your advice life has been so busy lately I’ve slipped on my psychology appointments, you have given me the urge to get in contact with my last one I emailed them this morning after reading your post so thank you. 

[tyme]

Hey @Carasmatic ,

Meds can be a tricky one. I certainly know people whose condition started as depression, but ended up as schizophrenia brought on by life changes. It comes to a point for these people to decide whether it's worth reducing meds if it could jeopardise things going well and you functioning to a level you want.

Let's just say, according to doctors, I can go off all my meds if I wanted to. However, I've made a choice to reduce my meds so that they do what they need to, without affecting my functioning. There have been many times where I considered whether I should just not take them anymore (as per dr's advice), but then, if things are going well, why change?

On the other hand, I know people with schizophrenia where medication doesn't help. This is where it gets hard.

It all depends on what you ideally want for your life so you can then share this with your doctor and come up with a tailored plan.

[Carasmatic]

@defaultusername 

I never really thought about how aware I am of myself before so thank you. 

As for my Diagnosis I am yet to tell the dr about what’s been happening so a professional opinion maybe different to mine but all symptoms lead to the fact that something isn’t right. 

thank you for the links also I’ll definitely go check them out tonight. the more support and understanding of what’s going on seems to normalise in my own brain that it’s ok not to be ok and to not be so ashamed of having mental health issues. 

I’ve only shared my condition with my partner and a small part of my family and opening up on this forum was the first time I actually was truly honest about how I was feeling and what I’m going through… so big steps I think this is definitely therapy in its self somehow. 

look forward to chatting more to you all and supporting everyone else also. 

🥰

[tyme]

Good on you for taking this huge step and reaching out so honestly. It's certainly not easy @Carasmatic 

For me, I can relate to what you are saying because these forums was a place I could truly feel comfortable with myself. I could open up and share what was going on for me - without judgement. And this was key to my recovery. Because it helped so much, this is why I'm here today.

[Carasmatic]

@tyme I honestly think expressing in a raw way being your true self is definitely good for healing, on here cause it’s not your actual name you feel so much safer and can be venerable where as I find talking to a professional I tend to hide things cause of the fear of judgement or shame. 

Can I ask about you and your recovery? I’m really interested in listening to things people have been through and experienced just cause it amazes me how powerful the human mind is and how resilient people are. 

don’t feel you have to at all just because I asked I can be a bit forward sometimes apparently.