Lived Experience Forum

[Dyna]

Hi there I don’t really know where to start I guess if you are reading this thank you for taking the time out of your day to hear my story. I have always suffered anxiety I had a rough up bringing and in 2018 I bought my very first Harley this was my release when I was having attacks, then on the 12th of January this year I was on my bike going to a mates house traffic had stopped I legally filtered traffic I got to the front car and saw there was a 4 car gap I started to move forward as I saw a car coming into the right hand turn lane I thought they would of saw me the bike wasn’t quiet lol all of a sudden this car is in front of me I saw the look of the passenger I have seen fear but never like this he went white as a ghost. I swerved and thought I was going to make it until I heard them lock on their breaks my front wheel went between the back tyre and door as well as my left foot to being thrown upwards snapping the gear lever clean off with the top of my foot leaving it half paralysed and complex regional pain syndrome to landing on the back of the roof and back windshield smashing that and 4 ribs then the driver went to take off catapulting me face first into the ground, which resulted in extreme facial injuries requiring surgery. I was conscious the whole time so I remember everything police failed to interview witness took a statement from the driver saying they were innocent and charged me but all charges were dropped. But the accident has ruined my nervous system I have a thing called dystonia where my body always shakes and my head goes side to side with force, I suffered an Abi frontal lobe heap of other injuries as well as extreme PTSD where I see the accident over again 24/7 even in my sleep I wake up in a pool of sweat I can’t control my anger or emotion I am emotionless as my missers said I have seen 3 pysch who have all said they won’t see me again tac were paying for me to go to a private mental health hospital but they wouldn’t take me cause they can’t deal with the ptsd and the Abi. That has been 3 private hospitals as well Wtf this is what they are specialist in and they can’t help for 9 months I have been screaming for help but no one wants to take me on I have lost all trust in the system my family have had enough I don’t blame them. But at the same time the physical state I am in the pain the flash backs is not a fair quality of life if I was an animal that wouldn’t let me live like this it would be cruelty. I wake up every morning not know where who or what I am doing it takes me half an hr to work everything out I go to bed know it’s going to happen every morning. I have had enough I can’t keep going on living like this the ptsd makes you feel so useless then constantly being let down by the health system I feel like the lowest form of society. Sorry for the novel there is more but enough is enough, but what I am really asking is if there is anyone in Ballarat Melbourne geelong that could help this is my final cry for help. I want to be there for my family but if I can’t get help I don’t want them living through the hell I put them through 

[Jynx]

Hey @Dyna welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, it sounds like you're really trying but have been turned away/refused support from many, which is deeply unfair. 

I have sent you an email to check in, so keep an eye out. 

Also, we have some Tips & Tricks for newbies if you wanted to check it out. 

I hope you find it to be a warm and welcoming community, you deserve kindness and connection to help you as you navigate such immense challenges 💜

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @Dyna . I'm sorry to hear about your suffering and your extreme PTSD 😞

I'm also sad to hear that you can't find mental health help. 

I was thinking about your post, and I wanted to say, I know it feels hopeless but please keep trying to find MH help. It took me 18 years and many psychologists /counsellors before I found two excellent therapists in a row starting 15 years ago. Since then I've got a lot of healing for my childhood (lifelong) trauma and MIs (mental illnesses). I am too deeply damaged to ever be fully healed, but I have a good life now thankfully, despite my 6 MIs and trauma. 

Sending you best wishes, @Dyna ...

[Khayali]

Hey there @Dyna 

Im new to this forum, just joining today to try to find some help with my PTSD caused by majorly invasive and painful surgery from a rare spinal tumour and time in Intensive care and a long painful rehabilitation. Your story really resonated with me, it’s so complex and difficult to find help for PTSD, I also really got what you were saying about the chronic pain and feeling lost but also wanting to be there for your family. I find that a lot of the specialists I’ve seen focus on the physical but can’t help much with the trauma. The grief and the constant wish I could go back in time to when I was healthy. The pain is isolating and so is the lack of trust for those you’re asking for help. I too have said if I was animal they’d have put me to sleep. I get it and wanted to let you know you’re not alone. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Khayali thanks for sharing your story, and welcome to the forums. 

Just wanted to let you know that if you want other members to be notified when you've replied, you can use tagging - just use the @ symbol and their name should pop up, so it looks like this: @Dyna 

There's some more Tips & Tricks here 😊

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @Dyna  you still around on the forum? 🙂🌺

I’m Pink Flamingo - Peer Guide. 
your story is a very sad one which starts with discrimination by the systems that are supposed to uphold justice. 
Im very aware of this after spending 14 years in court trying to clear my name when I was the actual victim of a hit and run while on my mc. 
I ended up with injuries which I don’t discuss (they’re traumatic for anyone to read), and a generous helping of PTSD on top of the decades of PTSD events experienced earlier due to circumstances that led to me leaving the country to preserve my safety. 
I’m having ‘one of those nights’ where nothing lets me fall asleep without the thud of PTSD crashing through my body and almost shaking the bed so much it sways. Then - as I’m sure you know - I’m wide awake again, experiencing sensations of memory in every cell of my body that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. 
This’ll likely keep me awake for a few days - as it usually does when this happens - but I’ll get back to the usual routine after that (which is a few days of around 2-3 hours sleep, then one of 5-6 hours, then a few of 2-3..and so on). 
I’m used to it I guess… it’s been 23 years since I was bodily in moving traffic, and at times like this, it feels like it was just moments ago. 
This alone I have been informed by MH practitioners is way too much for them to understand or ‘work’ with - it’s pretty much too much trauma for their work parameters - without including what has happened to me before or after that, so I have been repeatedly declined MH services over the last 45 years because apparently what I have seen doesn’t compute with MH practitioners (I had one very experienced pain therapist and author in the field that limited my conversations to discussing pain only, and when I mentioned some of the pain I had experienced, she started crying and asked me to leave because she wanted to cater to her own mental health - so I left… I couldn’t blame her; I’m sure she wasn’t prepared to hear about some pain that would seem unfathomable and unimaginable unless someone tells you about it).  
As a result, I don’t sleep well, I don’t dream well, and I don’t feel well about 50% of the time, however I choose to not let this utter mess I have been left with dominate my life 🙂💜

I am bigger than what has been inflicted upon me, and I always will be ☺️🙌🏻

even though, tonight is turning into today, and I’ll have a few days of this till I can rest again. 
There are more of us out there, and I’m one of them 🙂🌺

The reason I mention it is to kindly let you know you’re not alone, so please don’t feel so ‘alien’ in your experiences and the resultant rejection from systems that have a relatively narrow scope and ability to assist 💜🌺

🦩