Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Heartworks]

Dear Grandmother,

How wonderful and courageous for you to reach out. Vulnerability and shame can be our inner demons, coupled with our 'coulda, woulda shoulda's'. Please know that you are doing the best you can at all times, even though it may not feel like it at the time.  We can be usually the first ones to highlight our mistakes in neon markers whilst dismissing our achievements where mental health is concerned.

I have Bipolar Disorder and my husband has a Bipolar, Borderline PD, Depression and other bits and pieces in what one of our family members affectionately call our 'shopping list of disorders'.  I completely understand where you are coming from when it comes to communication. What we want to say and what we in fact hear can be two different things, depending on our articulation, mood, how our day went, etc.

When dearest is in one of his episodes, moods or turns, thus is how I approach it, from a wife, carer and a person with a mental illness:

1. Ask short or direct questions, they are easier to process and comprehend and misunderstandings can be better avoided

2. Check in with questions like - was there anything that made you feel special today? (I use this one with my 11 year old who has Autism)  Was there a moment when you weren't ok today? Is there anything you feel I need to know? What can I do to help you in your recovery process / throughout the day / during an activity etc.

3. Self-care.  You are also worth the time and the effort, the compassion and love you show others. Perhaps @NikNik might be able to forward the link on self-care

4. Keep being the hope carrier - we don't want folks to do for us, but during the slog, a wink or a nod of encouragement can be all that's needed to put one foot in front of the other

5. Communication can also be through drawing, art. Music, creating, building and other forms of self expression. Sometimes asking for 'three key words" or "scribble how you feel" can also give you an indication as to where one is at, without having to have long drawn out arguments.

I hope these can be of any help and once again, well done for seeking and researching. It's beautiful as it is courageous and self empowering 🙂

[Shaz51]

Hello @Heartworks, and @Fiona, that is great advice , I totally agree

Hi Grandmother  , it is wonderful and courageous for you to reach out , and don`t forget to take care of yourself too xx

[Selin]

She needs to get professional help/advice from a psychiatrist/psychologist who can impart with coping/behavioural management skills so this lady can be confident in knowing she is doing the right thing. somebody who is very educated in dealing with BPD will be the only person to teach her how to do that (not all psychiatrists and psychologists are great at their work and not all are as knowledgable as the next). If she connects with her grand daughters psychiatrist she could even get a referral and make appointments to see that dr. It'll help her be in control and confident in knowing she is doing the right thing. It will also help her with understanding from a clinical point of view the journey she had with her own daughter (allow yourself to go through the emotions associated with ur feelings but know when to stop, remove emotion from mental illness, understand it just like any other illness would effect any other organ in your body).

Nobody is a bad person or parent!!

A bad person doesn't try and understand and fight to help her children and become the primary carer of her grandchildren. You did everything a mother / family would do to try save somebody from their mental illness and its destruction, much the same as what people go through who have family members addicted to gambling etc. the fight to save somebody can get emotional (understatement). I'm 32, from the age of 12 I spent my life doing that, you're brought up to "fight for your family" - lack of education and awareness on mental illness, communication, rships, conflict resolution etc doesn't help us understand how to approach situations like this. When we look back we think we may be to blame because, we can't be blamed. We are not bad people. We tried to fix/support and save them the only way we knew how and that's why it makes for a very, very turbulent journey where all parties can lose control, you gave your all with best intentions and you tried the only way many humans know how. Bad ppl don't seek assistance like you have.

You will get there 🙂

[NikNik]

Thanks for the prompt @Heartworks

A great discussion about self care can be found here

We always seem to put ourselves last, but self care is essential!

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

A big thank you to @Selin @Heartworks @Fiona and @PeppiPatty for your input to last week's question.

This week's question is:

My best friend has been diagnosed with depression and for a while was actively seeking help, but has recently decided not to seek further help because he said the relief he gets from treatment is short lived.

The depression impacts his motivation, so the more well he is, the more motivated he is to continue his treatment. His new position on not seeking help indicates to me that he's slipping again.

How do you motivate someone to seek help, when their motivation declines more and more as they get unwell?

[NikNik]

There have been two wonderful responses on facebook:

Keep supporting them but I think it's more important that they do things for themself, so try help person by encouraging them to do activities that facilitate good well-being, suggest things that help positive thinking and seek professional help.

All the smallest things contribute to someone getting better: getting support from people (family, friends, psychologist), exercise, eating right, leisurely activities, task and minor goals accomplished, reflecting back at achievements, recalling memories of people you care about, learn to laugh (laugh even when things does not going right, laugh at toxic people who tries to put you down or laugh because it feels great), and create thoughts and visions of where you want to be and who you want be.

Saying you don't know what they are feeling or going through but your there helps. Also building trust so you check in. Saying you love to see them well but know only they can achieve it, even if others want it.

I say this from my experience living with bipolar, anxiety and depression.

[NikNik]

Another great response from Facebook 🙂

Keep being there for them, checking in with them, and doing normal friend stuff together too. Your friend needs you to be their friend, not to fix them. He/she will access treatment (or not) in their own time.

A huge thank you to all those contributing on facebook!

[NikNik]

Morning everyone 🙂

I'm blown away by the wonderful responses that came through facebook last week. 

This week's question is:

My adult son has had a variety of mental health issues over the years. He's always got help for them, with varying degrees of success. He still lives at home and goes through extended times of unemployment.

Through all this we have maintained a positive relationship. In saying that though, I have given him everything he needs/wants. A roof over his head, money, cooked dinners, clean clothes etc. 

I do worry about his future and just want him to be fulfilled and I worry that by providing for him, he's not going to make an effort in society to make friends, contribute to the world and be employed.

Should I be tougher on him to get him out there?

[PeppiPatty]

Hello,

How are you today? Is'nt it funny, I was thinking the same about my much younger son. He moved out for 6 years; 5 of it with my Mum and one year with friends only to come home again and he doesn't look like he's going anywhere.

I will also write that Mum tried her hardest for him to hate me and he did not see me for 5 years. 

In the past, I would laugh and say......oh ,there you go.....another silly billy but now, after my own experience.....Istop and look at the individual.

Have you thought that

He just might not be that type of person? 

This is how it is?

Could you ask him his thoughts on his long term days in the future?

My suggestion is that for you and him or for him alone to speak to someone about what he wants to do with his life. Like an adult guidance councellor. There are some good places here in Perth where one can go to speak to someone ;

One is called Lorikeet in West Leederville. A lot of people who live with different needs and are stigmatized in the communnity socialize there. 

I certainly would not make a push for anything to happen.

A good dvd to watch is 'the Rebound,' about a young man who .....just liked living with his Mum and Dad. 

[Janna]

I don't think a child needs to be suffering with mental health issues to be in the same predicament as you have with your son. Many adult children today stay living at home for a variety of reasons and many have the same level of support that you are giving to your son. I have friends with healthy, well-adjusted, income earning adult sons who still live at home and still have most of their needs met by their parents, along with additional financial support. I don't believe there is a right or wrong in this. Given that your son has mental health issues with varied periods of unemployment I think it's wonderful that you are providing him with such a warm, nurturing, secure and relatively stress free home environment. It's normal to be concerned about whether your actions now are the best for his future, but I believe that you need to be more concerned about how he is now, as opposed to the future. Keeping mental health stability is paramount and if you believe that your level of support is helping to keep him mentally healthier then I would not be concerned, as long as you are happy to provide the level of care that you have been providing. People with mental health issues need more support than your average person. If you feel that you would like to push him a little to take on board more responsibility or independence then you would have to do this very slowly and in very small increments. You may want to consider discussing this with your son with a view to promote further independent living and set some goals e.g. learning to wash his own clothes or cook etc. Just remember that mental health is all about social and emotional well-being. People with mental health disorders have an illness that prevents them from meeting all their social duties and responsibilities. Try to stay focused on the now of the situation and do what feels right. I don't believe anyone has ever suffered from too much love and care. You sound like a wonderful mother which is fully committed to her son and I'm sure that your efforts have helped him tremendously. Janna ❤️