I wake up this morning with some big questions. Some I don't have the answer to. I really do need a good counselor to talk these things through with bur for now I have you guys.
Now I've gotten through to the people who matter right now this week and next. I need to make changes but am not sure how.
I need to make changes in how I talk to and about myself that's half the problem. I wouldn't even consider thinking about my worst enemy in the way I treat myself. It's quite confronting realizing that and working out where to start.
The other thing is trying to work out what to do about my family. I've been having a break from them but I need to work out how and when to let them back into my life.
I know they love me and I love them but as much as they can't see it that love comes with judgment, that love is not unconditional and never has been. I will never be the person who fits into their box of normal. I will always be an emotional being. Not aggressive or abusive just emotional. I will never fit the gender norms my family sees as male/female roles. I can never sit comfortably with patterns of behavior that have been established in childhood.
That doesn't mean I don't love them, I even understand and empathize with their confusion I don't blame them but how do I interact with them without hurting them or myself? It's a big unknown for now.
At the moment I'm still recovering. It's like I went through my trauma of 15 years ago all over again except this time I was aware of everything the whole time and couldn't change a thing. The only thing I could do at times was block out the information from my brain. The difference is this time I had people who knew me and helped me through it.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN