Lived Experience Forum

[lovemyboys]

hi everyone

I was posting in the carers thread and decided to jump over here too - I am supporting my 23 year old son with his anxiety but I am not always doing so great myself, not just because I worry about him but I lost my youngest son in 2015, he would be 21 last month.

It is a real struggle some days. Some days I just want to scream, and be angry at him, but I can't be angry at him, it was not his fault. i feel like a terrible mother for getting angry at him. Other days I want to cry and cry. I look at photos of him and I think about him growing further into adulthood, a partner, children, and that will never happen for him, his life was cut too short and I'm always thinking about what things would be life if he was still here. 

[Former-Member]

My heart goes out to you so @lovemyboys I wish I could take your pain away even just a little......I want you to know I am listening and I care a lot. I nearly lost my daughter the same way last year.....Really words are not enough here. 

Did you know there are face to face groups for people whom lost a loved one to suicide? This may or may not be for you as we all have different ways of coping with grief. I wish I could do more for you.

I am so glad you reached out here. Let yourself cry my friend as much as you need. Anger is all a part of grief, don't feel guilty. Grieve as much as you need to. You are a loving mother and the pain is great......lean on us. I will be there for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Are you seeing someone for yourself @lovemyboys? A grief counsellor perhaps? Please seek help as this is one of the most painful times a parent can go through. Please don't feel you have to do this alone... Please keep posting. I am here for you day or night. Sending you a warm hug. My heart breaks for you 😢🌹xx

[Former-Member]

@lovemyboys - sitting with you 🌹

[lovemyboys]

Thank you @Former-Member
I got some counselling at the hospital in the week T was in hospital. And shortly after I saw a psychologist but haven't seen anybody in over a year.
Thank you for your kind message if really does mean a lot. I know it is beside the point but he did not take his own life, but it was as a result of another decision that I tried my best to help him with it, and everyday I feel I must not of done enough.

[Former-Member]

Sorry for the misunderstanding @lovemyboys Please never feel you didn't do enough. We can only do our best at the time and guide and support with love. Then our children make their own decisions the best they can. No one is to blame my friend. It's tragic...I am glad you are reaching out.

Its a long time since you have seen anyone - would you consider seeing someone again to help you through your grief? I have had many a loss but losing a child is the greatest grief....

Sometimes we try and be everything to everyone else but there comes a time we all need to lean on someone, even just to talk. Am here for you. Hugs 🤗 xx

[lovemyboys]

Thank you.
I feel a bit ashamed to say this but T had an addiction. We worked very hard with him to get the support he needed. I always told my boys not to touch the stuff but peer pressure and the curiosity of it all was too much to resist. It went on for a little while before one night along with some other not so good choices, it was too much for his poor body and his brain to cope with, and ended up on life support. My sweet little boy. I try not to be angry at him, but angry what took his life instead, that stuff ruins lives.

[Former-Member]

I was the same with my daughter whom just turned 21 @lovemyboys Tried to warn her of the dangers of drugs and to talk about it etc. But it was not enough, and sometimes the company our children keep of their choosing against our advice is detrimental to their making poor choices as well. My love was not enough to stop her.

My daughter has had struggles with depression, anxiety and drug addiction on and off for years. Just recently I was coming to my wits ends with the grief of it all (I have a thread here that explains). She was also in a abusive relationship which lead to her suicide attempt last year. We were there for her every step of the way. Helping and encouraging her to seek proper help, but she chose drugs against our advice and better judgement. She is a young adult..there was nothing we could do. 

We can as parents only do so much and have to step back.....We can't control their free will but only be there for them as much as we can supporting and guiding. If they don't listen we can't change the situation. Please don't feel bad my friend - there was nothing more you could do.

Our daughter has improved for now but we never know how long that will last. We have done everything we can - as did you my friend. That's all as loving parents we can do.

Drugs is a scourge in society today and as parents this is soul destroying to watch our children self destructing and feeling helpless which leads to our own struggles with depression. The loss, the grief, the mislerceived guilt and stress takes can all take its toll. So please do consider seeing someone if you feel you are becoming worse, if the grief is turning into depression for self care which is equally as important. So we can keep being their for those we love and seek some reprieve for ourselves. And keep talking on here as much as you need to. But please remember this is not your fault and the love between you and your deceased son will never ever die. 💜🌹xx

[Ant7]

@lovemyboys I feel for you so much. I know its hard. It is not the same but we lost our son at birth he would have been 21 in May and it is still hard. I am so sorry for your son 

[lovemyboys]

I'm so sorry to hear that your son passed away @Ant7 Big hugs to you

[Ant7]

@lovemyboys Its ok I feel for you I know the pain wil be verry real. Big hugs to you to