Lived Experience Forum

[rose16]

i am failing my daughter!!! yes she is fed clothed has daycare a loving family environment...I am failing her...I sat in a chair on my deck this morning curled into myself she  woke and just wanted me happy adventure mum....I was in the middle of at that stage 3 hour panic attack and i was certain my 2 yr old daughter could see straight through me!

I’ve always known I’m not mentally or emotionally secure.Not something I admit to I’m a strong independent woman or I I like portraying the persona...because showing weakness feels like wearing a dart board. And living a backpacker life of drifting has helped me bury it. when I chose to have my beautiful child for 10 months I coached myself to be the best mother I can be and protect them no matter who I insult or annoy. I stuck with these convictions. What I had to do myself what had to change with me around me....like an addict that I am with all things I took it to the extreme...and when I failed I couldn’t cope in that moment....okay I’m dribbling now cut to the chase had an extremely toxic relationship end where both of us were damaged I was lucky my child too young then to see my highs and lows....have recently started court proceedings of the first person of MANY who sexually abused me because he is the only one I can legally get....and this prior weekend staying at my parents my stepfather woke and abused me for leaving the tv on (I fell asleep watching it) to the point of getting in my face and mocking me when I flinched...I was a shaking mess standing up to him because I didn’t want my daughter or my niece for that matter who was there to hear that...I understand him from his own past child trauma and he has grown to be an amazing grandfather...but the verbal abuse that night was an echo of a childhood full of it...it has been like a trigger since Sunday I become manic about a subject or topic anything so I don’t self reflect because when I do I’m nothing I feel pathetic my actions following (excessively drinking,smoking packets) anything then the shame smashes me and I have to look at myself....and then I’m ashamed That my daughter has me for a mum....I can analyse everything that I’m doing while I’m doing it knowing the roller coaster this week....I was told by a psychiatrist when I was 18 I would develop bipolar considering where I was at that point and I laughed at her.....my daughter is acting out because she wants me and I’m lost in my head....I know I am I’m forcing myself to see her create little picnics etc but my anxiety is leading me to speak to her in a jilted small talk way It’s like I forget the bond we have that she’s 2 that she’s not judging me she only needs me....I don’t know what to do..I’ve had a distant relative be diagnosed with bipolar when I was young the stigma that went with it the meds that zombies her she lit her house on fire with her 2 daughters in it....am I that??!!!!

[rose16]

I am 32 by the way, ijust read this back and I sound like an unhinged teenager

[Amour_Et_Psyché]

Hi @SarahJane73,

Welcome to the SANE Forums! It's wonderful that you have joined us here - it takes courage to post and reach out like you have! You will definitely find others here with similar experiences to yourself, which can be comforting. I'm sorry that you have not received any replies to your post yet - sometimes it takes a little while for other members to see your thread.

As you have reflected, being a parent is a tough gig in itself. However, trying to be an emotionally-available parent when you have mental health and emotional struggles yourself is incredibly difficult! It sounds like you place very high expectations on yourself to be the best mum you can be - or take it to the "extreme," as you said. It is 100% normal of us to want that for our children, but I get the sense, given everything that is going on for you at the moment (including the abuse and trauma you have been through), that you are doing the absolute best you can in the context of your difficult circumstances!

While you await some replies, you may want to get to know other people with lived experience of mental illness is the "Introduce yourself here" thread.

Take care of yourself and please reach out in the forums, if you need!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[Snowie]

Hi @rose16

Firstly welcome to the SANE forums. On here you will find a lot of people who can relate to what you are saying and there is always support and listening ears open.

I myself have two children and feel that because of my mental illness that I am failing them too. I think that it is normal feelings to have. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Someone that loves her, protects her and will do anything for her. Sometimes this can be hard to see and we just focus on the negative things we do. All parents feel this way at times, but I think when we have our own mental health problems, we always feel that they would be better off without us. This is not the case.

What kind of supports do you have in place for you?

To look after our children we firstly need to look after ourselves. @Amour_Et_Psyché is right, that you are doing the absolute best you can in the context of your difficult circumstances!

There are many different threads on here. Another good one is the Good Morning thread, an art thread, writing thread. If you would like to tag someone just put a @ before their name.

I look forward to getting to know you better.

Take care @rose16 

[Jupiter]

Hi @rose16. Being a parent is challenging enough without mental health issues on top of it! It's great you have reached out on the forums. I thought you might find this thread interesting to read through "Meeting the needs of children when a parent suffers from mental illness". Take care.

Jupiter

[rose16]

Thank you for your responses I was a little embarrassed this morning letting all this out there. But I’ve read through what others have been going through and wow!!! The strength some of these people have. I don’t feel so alone now even if we are all strangers.

[rose16]

This was a great thread to read thank you!!!