Lived Experience Forum

[jsm74]

Hi all,

I'm new to these forums, but I have to say that it is encouraging to see how much support people give each other on here.  Even that by itself is helpful, as it is a reminder that there actually are caring people in the world.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety nearly all my life.  I have been on every class of antidepressant as well as mood stabilizers and antipsychotics.  As none of those have worked, my phsychiatrist is recommending ECT, but that will only be possible after about 3 months, so I am also applying for treatment using other procedures (TMS, DBS, or alternative medication), which (if I'm approved), could commence as early as a month from now.

The problem is that just as I was arranging all of this and feeling like I was finally making some real progress, my wife's issues reared their ugly heads.  She has been diagnosed with ADHD and also suffers from anxiety, severe stress and low self-esteem (despite being the most amazing person I have ever known).  We have been working on getting her treatment for some time now, but various delays, such as her discouragement after a fairly horrible experience with the first phsychiatrist she went to.

Working from home and the lockdown have triggered these problems, and these problems have, in turn, intensified the effects of the lockdown and working from home.  She began to resent our apartment as well as most things connected to it, including me, and started spending every weekend at her friend's place as an escape.  

I knew she was overwhelmed and incredibly stressed, so I started brainstorming ways to address that at least a bit until she could start therapy.  I started giving her massages with a bit of regularity, got her a hotel room for the weekend so that she could have time alone, encouraged her to take time off work with a view to finding another job. 

I've done everything I can think of, but she wants to separate.  She says she still loves me but right now feels no sexual connection with me.  She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, so I'm in hell right now.  I'm struggling to eat anything at all, can't sleep, can't watch tv, read, or listen to music because they are all triggers for me right now.  It took me 40 years to find her and now I'm losing her because of Covid.  Just can't see how I can start over or what the point would even be.  I've been fighting this fight for a long time and just when I thought I was looking at a win, everything has fallen apart.  If I thought she was actually taking steps to work on her issues I would feel at least a bit of hope, but I know that she isn't, so I don't see how this can end up going anywhere other than divorce.  

[jsm74]

I'm new to these forums, but I have to say that it is encouraging to see how much support people give each other on here.  Even that by itself is helpful, as it is a reminder that there actually are caring people in the world.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety nearly all my life.  I have been on every class of antidepressant as well as mood stabilizers and antipsychotics.  As none of those have worked, my phsychiatrist is recommending ECT, but that will only be possible after about 3 months, so I am also applying for treatment using other procedures (TMS, DBS, or alternative medication), which (if I'm approved), could commence as early as a month from now.

The problem is that just as I was arranging all of this and feeling like I was finally making some real progress, my wife's issues reared their ugly heads.  She has been diagnosed with ADHD and also suffers from anxiety, severe stress and low self-esteem (despite being the most amazing person I have ever known).  We have been working on getting her treatment for some time now, but various delays, such as her discouragement after a fairly horrible experience with the first phsychiatrist she went to.

Working from home and the lockdown have triggered these problems, and these problems have, in turn, intensified the effects of the lockdown and working from home.  She began to resent our apartment as well as most things connected to it, including me, and started spending every weekend at her friend's place as an escape.  

I knew she was overwhelmed and incredibly stressed, so I started brainstorming ways to address that at least a bit until she could start therapy.  I started giving her massages with a bit of regularity, got her a hotel room for the weekend so that she could have time alone, encouraged her to take time off work with a view to finding another job. 

I've done everything I can think of, but she wants to separate.  She says she still loves me but right now feels no sexual connection with me.  She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, so I'm in hell right now.  I'm struggling to eat anything at all, can't sleep, can't watch tv, read, or listen to music because they are all triggers for me right now.  It took me 40 years to find her and now I'm losing her because of Covid.  Just can't see how I can start over or what the point would even be.  I've been fighting this fight for a long time and just when I thought I was looking at a win, everything has fallen apart.  If I thought she was actually taking steps to work on her issues I would feel at least a bit of hope, but I know that she isn't, so I don't see how this can end up going anywhere other than divorce.  

[jsm74]

Actually I think what I'm finding most difficult is the absense of a support network.  I don't really have any ties with my family (apart from my mother, whose response to the separation was "sorry to hear that!  Hope you guys work it out!"), nor any real friends.  I am quite literally alone in the world, as my wife has pretty clearly demonstrated, despite what she says, that she no longer really loves me or even cares about me.  She's been gone since Wednesday night and has sent me a couple of messages on Friday morning (only because she brought our cat with her), but doesn't even read mine and has said nothing to me since.

Is anyone aware of any support groups where people actually talk on one of the video platforms?  The loneliness is what is making every hour feel like an eternity, so I'm pretty desperate for some kind of human connection.  I think I'd even find solace in hearing about other people's feelings, as it would get me out of my own head for a while and also help someone else by giving them a way to be heard.  Forums are nice, but not quite the same.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @jsm74 . I'm sorry to hear about your situation 😞 It sounds incredibly hard. I don't know what to say, other than I hear you in your pain. 

We're not allowed to recommend any platforms, I'm afraid...I don't know of any anyway.....but I would encourage you that you can make connections here, and get support from people who understand. 

Wishing you much coping and strength, @jsm74 ...

[frog]

Hi @jsm74 just wanted to let you know that I read your posts, and to say welcome.

I'm sorry things are so hard. Lockdown has exacerbated a lot of issues in my household too.

I live with a big agro kid with ASD, ADHD, Anxiety and Depression. Throw my Anxiety and Bipolar, and being stuck here together ... very difficult. We had a terrible crisis a few weeks back, but things have improved a little.

And I hear you re the loneliness, and relationship struggles. I can't offer advice, but I wanted to say that you're not alone. A lot of us here share similar experiences. I hope there's some good in your day. Take care.

Hi @NatureLover good to see you about.

[SmilingGecko]

@jsm74 so sorry to hear of your situation and how hard it is for you.  I think your relationship can't continue along the same lines in which they have.  You've reached a breaking point and something has to give.  I suspect you have had a lot of losses in life and this has caused trauma for your brain causing the depression.  Maybe your partner just can't continue staying in this relationship.  I understand she is your world but you may just have to start over.  You can't will a relationship to exist if the other party wants nothing to do with it.  I had to leave my ex 10 years ago and it was the best decision I made as it allowed me to enjoy my own company and lead a better life.  It was a dificult adjustment to make but I survived.  Now I am in a much better space. My mental health has improved significantly and I am happy. I never would have thought it possible but being alone is an incredible strength that can lead to all kinds of wonderful destinations.  Have courage, everything you need is within you. Sometimes saying goodbye can lead to a rosy future.

[jsm74]

Thanks so much for your reply.  I hear what you are saying and would never want her to stay if she isn't happy.  I love her, so her happiness and and freedom to be who she wants to be have always been my top priorities.  We had an open marriage because she is pansexual and I wanted her to have the freedom to meet those needs that I can't meet.  She enjoys being with women, but not in a relationship and our relationship was so good that she has always felt comfortable telling me about the women she has hooked up with.  We had an amazing relationship until 5 weeks ago.

Having said all of that, I also understand what you're saying about accepting the situation.  I've been trying to use mindfulness techniques to accept the uncertainty of the situation, which has helped a bit and I suspect will help more and more as I practice it.

Always encouraging to hear about someone coming out well on the other side of this kind of situation, so thank you so much for sharing : )

[jsm74]

Hi frog

Thanks so much for your response and for the support.  It's good to talk to people on here, but I suppose, like many poeple in lockdown, it's face-to-face contact that I'm missing.  Even just a kind message from someone who knows and loves me would be a good start, but there simply isn't anyone.  A bit soul-crushing.

[LostAngel]

hello @jsm74 and welcome here to the forums,all I can really say is your not alone with feeling lonely but what must be harder is that feeling of loosing someone you care so deeply about,its hard ,difficult situation for you to be in please take care the best you can 

[jsm74]

So we're officially separating now.  Now, on top of heartbreak I get to deal with all of the million little tasks that will be involved in separating, as she won't do many of them.  Particularly frustrating knowing what a mistake this is.

I'm so tired of this nightmare.

[NatureLover]

Very sorry to hear, @jsm74 ...I hope you are OK...