Lived Experience Forum

[Sophia1]

Hello @Razzle

Anxiety can be frightening...

I do wonder how long I have actually had anxiety without realising...

that probably does not make sense..

I have suffered from chronic trauma...

experienced varying levels of depersonalisation as well as dissociation...

anxiety is hidden at these times...

You are describing intense feelings that occur in the supermarket ....

Is this because of other people around you?

I currently do not go shopping...my husband is still doing the shopping since I had my operation...

Part of that is from the physical aspect involved...another part is being amongst other people...as in not people I choose..if that makes sense..

I am wondering if you might feel more supported by your councillor...if you could ask her for a strategy that you could put in place without much thought...should a panic attack occur where you do not have a quick exit..

Sometimes knowing that support is there is enough to keep panic attacks at bay..

I sincerely hope that you find some ideas so that you feel safer...

Sophia

[Razzle]

@Sophia1  I had never experienced anything like this before, even through all the times I was abused.  I was sexually assaulted by a group when I was 8, one of these people assaulted me again a few weeks later.  I was sexually assaulted by a friend of the family when I was 10 and was terribly abused (repeated sexual assaults) when I was 11 and 12 by an old man, also friend of the family.  I never experienced any anxiety during any of these events.  However, I did disassociate during the assault when I was 10, and frequently with the old man.  I referred to it as “stepping out”.  During the assault I would find myself in a boat surrounded by calm water and I’d feel very calm and safe, and I would cloud watch.  I would only become aware of myself again while I was walking home.

I kept a lid on the abuse for 40years, never telling anyone.  My husband got a very glossed over version when we married, but no real detail.  Our marriage began to fall apart last year and it was during marriage councilling that I realised my past was having a hugely negative impact on me now.  I started to see the councillor on my own early this year to help deal with the abuse, that’s when the anxiety started.

I don’t know why the supermarket affects me, it doesn’t happen all the time, just random times.  It’s not the people, I don’t know what it is.  I do hate shopping, of any kind.  I’ve always just got in and got out, I don’t usually browse, I find shopping of any kind a real chore, just don’t enjoy it.

I was extremely shy as a child, but I don’t think I’ve ever had social anxiety.  Mind you, I’d rather a Saturday night at home with a book to being at a party any day.

My councillor is only just now discovering how bad these attacks are, I do have trouble opening up but we have had a couple of break throughs lately and he has a better idea of what he’s dealing with.

I’m willing to try anything at the moment.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Razzle@Owlunar@Sophia1@utopia@Appleblossom and others 

I’ve had a few panic attacks while driving. I would get in such a state that I would ring 000 snd police would come. It only happened three times while driving on a midnight road. One time I got out of the car and was walking towards this bush. Until the police cane found me snd got me to a safe spot. 

It was horrible really traumatic and triggering. 

[Sophia1]

Oh @Razzle

Words cannot come anywhere near the response that I would like to give you..

I am so saddened by your horrific childhood experiences..

I read between the lines that you are incredibly strong....this might sound like a hollow response...

You have found inner strength to take you to a counselor and open up your wounds gradually...

Your counselor is honoured to have gained your trust and is treating you in a gentle ...compassionate manner...ensuring that you are aware that you are safe...

The fact that you go into a crowded...noisy supermarket in the first place is an example of bravery to me...

I have experienced dreadful...indifferent attitudes from checkout people at my local supermarket and this has affected me greatly...

normally this would not affect me...

I am wondering if your panic attack in the supermarket is more about what is going on within you...as your anxiety levels have risen of late...Not being able to make a quick exit would exacerbate this..

Is there a smaller superrmarket that you could go to on the days that you are aware your anxiety is higher?

Also Lifeline ...some of the people have good suggestions as many of them have lived experience...

I  am glad that you found this place @Razzle and that you feel safe enough to write about your story..

You are safe here and amongst friends...You have found some excellent people on this thread...

@BlueBay You have also been through so much...I have not been able to follow your story due to my own circumstances...however I think of you fondly...meeting you when I first joined about 2 years ago now...

thank you again @Owlunar for starting this thread and  giving it direction....a purpose...opportunity for discussion around vital subjects that are so very sensitive...

[Razzle]

@Sophia1  Thanks for your reply.  I used to be the strong one, holding everyone/everything together, but lately I’m just the shell of who I thought I once was.

I live in a small rural community so the supermarket generally isn’t a busy place.  It’s definitely more to do with what’s going on internally.  The more I practice my grounding techniques the better I’ll get at it I’m sure, but it’s such a horrible feeling when it hits out of the blue and there is no quick escape.  

I must appear like a complete fool looking so engrossed in a can of soup, I’m not even looking at it, I’m just focusing on a spot while telling

myself there’s nothing to be afraid of - my biggest fear is bursting into tears in front of everyone.  What do I tell them?  I’m crying over nothing?  Because that’s the answer, but it doesn’t make sense. 

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Sophia1 ❤️

[Sophia1]

Snap @Razzle

I too live in a small rural town...it does have a Woolworths though...

fortunately there is a good fishmonger...good greengrocers...good market shop...other interesting shops...

If I saw you staring at a can of soup I would think oh so I am not the only one...

I used to spend ages staring at cat food...

It actually does take me a lot longer to shop now...as my head is so confused all of the time and that is the anxiety..

I actually went into the greengrocers and then Woolworths when we came back from our trip out...

It felt surreal...I said to my husband that I think it is about 18 months since I have been in there..

I can reassure you that you would not look like a fool in the least...

in fact bursting into tears is something that noone would like to happen...

you probably would find people coming to your aid....asking if you are ok ...perhaps even helping you to a seat...

Most people would not ask why...if someone did ask if something had happened...you could just reply that you are having an emotional day...

Crying over nothing reminds me of depression which I have had on and off for most of my life...

In fact wanting to cry desperately and not being able to is definitely depression...

You are doing well even though for you it does not feel like it...

You are expressing yourself well....

venturing out and facing people...

following through with therapy...

keep on writing on here...

Sophia 

[Sophia1]

Hello @BlueBay@Owlunar@utopia@Appleblossom

I am quite hyped I think after a big trip out...meeting a wonderful family who are my husband's overseas relatives...

back to different shops...

my goodness ....what a busy day....

how has your day been?

[BlueBay]

Hi @Sophia1

sounds like you had a busy day but a nice day. 

I went to Bunnings snd bought some herbs and a plant. 

Stsrted off the day in a terrible way but distracted myself st Bunnings!!! Lol 😂 

[Appleblossom]

Bunnings can be great that way @BlueBay

Though I cant justify any more Bunnings trips.  I have planted out every bit of dirt around me that I can find, and it is all very productive.

Today, council finally trimmed a wattle.  It was looking very messy in my court ... humpfh  Just so long as they stop poisoning stuff.The verdict is out.

@Sophia1 @Razzle

Re supermarkets.  I would bet quite a few people would be sympathetic tho a few might not.  It does not change the intensity of the feeling and the sense of powerlessness ..

I am unpredictable these days.  I can be organised and together and then, all of a sudden realise I am terribly vulnerable but still out and about.

Running the concerts had a long term positive impact on my general social anxiety. Previously I had always been on the edges, maybe only knowing one person, but being the generator of 100 plus events had me too busy to worry about myself. Now when I look back on it, it also gives me a sense of perspective on my own paranoia and fear.  I also got tired of a lot of social climbing, oneupmanship and social pretention. Teaching gave me a lot of insight into many families including extended families of local psychiatrists.  When asked to be special for a child cos the parent was a psychiatrist, can you just imagine my inner eye rolls. I was at the stage where no amount of money or earning would fix or change my family, so I did not feel obliged to earn more money or reduce my profession to ego massaging and soopa development for an elite.

Recently music education lost a hero. Maybe nobody on SF knows of him but

Vale  Richard Gill

sad for the loss

Happy for his vision and work